Does DP have an eating disorder? What do I do?

[Lostcupcakes]

I’ve been with my DP for over 3 years and binge eating has been a problem for as long as I’ve known him but sometimes like this week I’m reminded of just how out of control it is. I feel terribly guilty even posting this but I’m getting more worried how on Earth we manage this. Especially when he doesn’t seem to consider it a problem.

Basically he’ll be offered something by me or by a friend e.g. a chocolate or a cake (ie one!) he’ll eat it and then somehow he’ll secretly sneak off and eat the entire rest of the box of chocolates or batch of cakes (even though they aren’t his!). Example being a few days ago when we were at my parents and my mum had baked some brownies from scratch. She offered us one each (very generous portions!) we ate it and then somehow in 30-60minutes while we were away he found and ate the rest of them. About 8 portions with each being the size of a small plate. She then had guests round and got the tin out and they were empty and I felt so guilty and embarrassed.

Im at a loss of what to do. As far as I’m aware it’s not followed up by throwing up so isn’t bulimia. He’s honestly wonderful in every other way and not selfish / inconsiderate in any other ways. It’s like he loses control but also seems to convince himself this is ok and normal.

I honestly feel like im betraying him by writing this. My mum and two female friends have told me he has an eating disorder. He laughs this off.

In the past the solution we’ve come to is me completely controlling the food that comes into the house and the portion sizes. But that’s exhausting tbh. I have to do all the shopping and all the cooking and treat him like a child and say ‘this is your portion. The rest of this is for other meals. You can’t eat anymore.’ I can’t police everything. Nor do I want to. Especially when we’re guests in other people’s homes.

Definitely sounds like an eating disorder to me. Does he have any other addictive behaviours? He needs to recognise he has an issue and seek help. It’s not an easy fix.

Overeaters Anonymous might be able to help https://oa.org/

Stop trying to pathologize this. He doesn't have a 'disorder' 🤔🙄 he is a greedy fucker who needs to be told he is selfish and he upsets people. This level of gluttony is very unnatractive...not sure why you are so concerned about his feeling when he won't even apologise to you mum for stuffing his greedy face with a whole pan of brownies!! Gross.

I have the exact same issue as your DH. It all goes back to childhood where chocolates, buns and cakes were kept in a locked room and we never had any.

I cannot have any chocolate, biscuits, ice cream etc. in the house. If I do I end up eating them all. Which is tough for my daughter as she can eat in moderation so gets annoyed as there's never any left.

It was the same with alcohol post separation but thankfully I can't drink for health reasons so have got that under control.

The only solution for me is to not have this kind of food in the house.

Is he overweight?

I have some personal experience of this OP, so please take the following points kindly.

Please try to push aside the idea that this is 'greed' or that 'having a strong word' with him is the answer. Yes, of course it could be greed. But if it is an eating disorder then you need lighter steps I'm afraid.

Unfortunately many people simply don't understand eating disorders and become frustrated with why such an 'everyday thing' such as eating can become such an issue for people.

Here are some good reliable links:

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
https://www.oagb.org.uk/
https://www.edsupportforum.com/forums/

The last link is an established forum. Instead of posting about this on MN, I'd suggest you visit this forum and consider starting a thread/having a chat with one of the members on there.

Obviously, like MN 😂not every post will reflect you/your DHs situation, and not every post will contain reliable information. But reading through it will help you form a judgement of your situation.

Do this before speaking with or challenging your DH. There is a an awful lot of shame tied up in eating disorders and so bear this in mind. I'd also strongly suggest keeping his Mum out of this completely.

Obviously GP is the initial route to go down if you suspect an Eating Disorder, but I appreciate that this might be difficult to do right now.

Take care.

If he doesn’t think his behaviour is problematic why does he only behave like this in secret? That would suggest he at least on some levels does recognise he has a problem.

My sister use to do this, if there’s was a pack of nice biscuits or buns she would eat all of them and say she good carried away and replace them. She’s vegan now so it hasn’t happened for a while.

I thought it was like a greediness once she started she couldn’t stop.

I’d call him out on it when it happens but if he’s not willing to admit it or get help you either accept it or leave

What's his weight like?

I am like this and have oscillated between being overweight and obese all my life.

mounjaro has helped me. I haven't lost weight hugely quickly but I think of it as my anti-bingeing medication. My weight is gradually coming down as a result but mentally I feel so much better as I'm not binging.

He’s not overweight but apparently has been in the past before we met.

He can go very long periods not eating sweet stuff and often says no when offered anything so I think that’s how I can almost forget there’s a problem. Then we’ll be on holiday / out with friends and family so he makes an exception and eats something and then it seems the floodgates open.

Can’t stress enough he’s generous, thoughtful and kind in every other area. There’s just something dysfunctional going on when it comes to food.

Sounds like the deprivation/ binge cycle, once he starts he finds it hard or impossible to stop.

This sounds like very disordered eating - restrictive dieting followed by bingeing. You need to have a serious talk with him because this is not normal and you don't want to bring your kids up with this. Don't think it won't affect them because it will.

You need to find a way to get through to him that you're deadly serious he needs help. Offer to go with him to the GP, tell him you need him to do it for you and his children.

Richard Osman has talked about his eating disorder and how it affected him. I think it's shame and embarrassment that stops people seeking help. Let him know that you love him and will support him but that you're really worried and can't carry on like this.

Yes definitely.

In the evening after this brownie incident happened I was having a dessert and offered him some and he said: “no love, that’s yours. I’m trying to leave the sweet stuff”

Its honestly like a switch inside is either on or off.

It’s not your job to apologize. It’s his. This is his issue - although you are also having to deal with it.
I hope you can find a solution.
My initial thought was that it would be decent of him to make some kind of restoration to your Mum - flowers or an apology card. It’s not about there being no brownies for guests more than the lack of respect around boundaries

Sounds a bit like he's a functioning binge-eater! And that most of the time he keeps on top of it.

How did you not say something about the brownies at your mums? Or did I miss that you did?

I think I would've just said - what happened there? That's not ok! I was really embarrassed!

You have to treat this like an addiction, because it is. I’m an alcoholic (I’m sober now), but I could easily nip into the kitchen and drink the best part of a bottle of wine while everyone was slowly sipping a glass at lunch in the other room. It’s no different than an addiction to alcohol or cocaine, except he does have to eat (I no longer have to drink wine to live), so he’s going to have to sort it. Not you.

If you found he’d blown through £200 worth of coke doing lines on your mum’s kitchen counter while you were out, what would you do? He needs to genuinely hear how worried you are, how it makes you feel when he does things like that, how it’s breaking you to think about being responsible for his eating again, how worried you are for what it’s going to do to your children. No one wants the dad who hoovers up the birthday tea at Emma from nursery’s 3rd birthday party in front of all the parents you’ll be knowing for years.

You need to be very direct with him that he needs to seek treatment. You can go with him. You can figure out ways to reduce his workload to seek treatment. You will support him in the sense of not buying or eating certain foods in the house. But he needs to reach out and get help, and he needs to learn to control his own cooking and eating. You doing it will do nothing (as you can see). I just used to go sit in my car and drink single G&Ts in a layby. I’m sure he has eaten a cake or two in the car before as well. He’s got to start to heal the big painful hole he’s currently filling up with brownies before he can get better. You can’t do that for him. But you may need to make him understand what he stands to lose if he doesn’t work to get better.

I was with someone like this and it was most food. Stemmed from childhood, he suffered horrific abuse. I can only describe it as where food was concerned his brain was that of a 5yr old in terms of no control over eating and if it was there he would eat it until it’s gone almost like he was feasting because there was a famine looming. He didn’t think it was a problem either and it wasn’t just the amount of food but the way he ate it too. The other thing that came to mind is if it’s sweet/carb food I wonder if there’s some insulin at play here that makes it really difficult to stop eating once the sugar hits the spot.

It’s binge eating disorder. You basically have no control over your actions. You just eat and eat and eat until it’s gone you know somewhere inside you that you should stop but you can’t. It is a real eating disorder. You should probably do some reading about it.

He needs to acknowledge that he has a problem though. Otherwise he will never change.

You also need to speak to him about the brownies and tell him he needs to apologise to your mum. He must have realised as he ate the last one that he’d eaten them all and he needs to know that isn’t ok and he must never do it again.

Short of hiding food I don’t know what you can do and your children will really resent him if he eats all their sweets/Easter eggs/xmas chocolate so this needs sorting

I think this sounds much more like greed than an eating disorder. Secrecy is a huge problem with eating disorders and he doesn't seem bothered at all that everyone knows how much he eats.

Not rtft but I think this may be a childhood issue, was he under or over fed?
Limited access to food or forbidden foods?
Any neglect or trauma?

To me this is also psychological, like the manipulation and game playing to ‘secretly’ eat more gives him a buzz, maybe more than the food or eating itself.

However if he doesn’t see an issue, you are not going to get anywhere with him so save your energy!

Policing his food is just like being his mum which you don’t need a manchild when you have one and one on the way.

You need to take the blinkers off and look at the impact of this on your kids.

One of the things that’s difficult here too is that everyone is embarrassed/ashamed. A completely normal reaction would have been for you and your parents to say ‘what the hell! The tin is empty and there were 8 here when we went out. Those were for everyone for the day/weekend and you ate them all! What on earth’
instead you are all, understandably, frozen with embarrassment and are inadvertently giving him a place to deny it.
binge eating, like things like alcoholism get wrapped up in so much shame and embarrassment that it gets covered up. We become accidental enablers. I’ve been in this situation and I ended up feeling weirdly guilty and ashamed myself.
it’s incredibly difficult if he won’t accept he’s got an issue.

Complex childhood trauma for me was part of it. We weren't poor but I did suffer hunger and abuse. i didn't enjoy deceiving people and stealing food or lying about it, it made me feel worse about myself. That said, some people with EDs can get a buzz from the secrecy part of it. Now that I think about it, eating in secret was a time when I was alone and therefore safe from the abuse.