To not let DC go with grandparents alone?

[letsnotIRL]

My DS is 2YO and my baby is 5 weeks old. My mam and dad ask for them quite often, for meals, to take them out or for sleepovers. Mine have never slept out. They have all of their other DGC quite often! I am so hesitant to let my DC go alone because of the way they behave but other family members and friends say I'm being ridiculous.
My mam smokes and I don't want that around the LOs. My dad is a daily drinker with a temper and he often shouts and swears, I remember being terrified growing up.
I'm the only family member to have boys and my dad is so toxic with them, says boys can't cry, my DS can't play with girl toys or watch frozen for example, and when my DS had a small tantrum at their house (I was present), my dad said he would give him a good hiding if he continued and tapped his hand ! I was furious and said something immediately. He's never done it again but recently my DS is going through a biting phase and my dad said "bite me mate and I'll just bite yah back". So now I'm too scared to let them have my DC alone at all, even for an hour. This means I have zero childcare options but I would rather struggle. AIBU? My DB and SIL let them have the kids all the time.

Yanbu. I think given what you have said wanting to be present and able to control situations is wise. At least until they are old enough to discuss things with you after a visit

@Sirzythis was my thoughts too. I want my DC to be able to fully communicate before they're left with anyone. He should be able to tell me if he felt unsafe or scared. I feel so sorry for my oldest niece. She is used to the behaviour now and sees it as "normal".

Definitely not unreasonable! Honestly I’d be limiting contact full stop they sound toxic.

Not at all unreasonable. Your father sounds very like my own. Don't let your children be alone with him.

Smoking and drinking has no place around children imo. I stopped reading there.

They wouldn't be having my kids. YANBU

YANBU. In fact if would be wrong of you to let them babysit at all.

What in the Shameless…?!

This can’t be real.

Dont be swayed you are being smart. And as the Mother your say is final. I wouldn't put my kids in that situqtion ever even when older. Chain smoker and daily drinker...... Uh no. Maybe a couple hours a week and thats about it.
5 week old.... Your having a laugh! No way!

Yes, I had parents like yours. Do not let your children go there.

As a parent, your main priority is to keep your children safe and well. You wouldn't be doing that if you left them with people who smoke and/or have a volatile temper. Stick to your guns and protect your children from these toxic people. I'm a granny and there's no way I'd be allowed to have my grandchildren if I smoked in the house or was quick tempered with them.

I had a dad a bit like yours. For various reasons he never met my children in the five years they were both alive, and in many ways I feel really grateful not to have had to cross this line. You’re making the right choice

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, to not let your Dc be alone with your parents.
You know what they’re like Op so stick to your guns whatever they say.

Very real and normal in my family unfortunately. They haven't let go of the "old ways" of doing things, which to them is the only right way 🙄

There’s no way they’d have my dc. Is your sil aware of how they are? I mean, surely, rather obviously, the smoking/drinking is in her face?

Glad to see everyone has similar views to mine. Because it is just accepted in my family, I am then seen as being an overprotective, over controlling freak. I'm trying really hard to not let history repeat itself and parent my DCs totally different to how I was raised. My SIL let her 6 week old baby sleep over at my parents house every fortnight and that's still going at 4YO! I don't want my kids thinking any of their behaviour is normal or acceptable.

They parent/live similar to my parents so it's not abnormal to them unfortunately 😒

Trust your instincts- you are completely right not to let your DC go to stay with abusers

My family member gets her 12 year old to pop to my mum’s en route home from school once a week. It’s lovely of her, but she lives in a tiny house and smokes lots. I absolutely cannot understand why she allows/encourages it. There’s never a door/window left open.

I’d be limiting contact with them and I’d never let them have my kids alone. Sorry, but they sound toxic and awful.

You are absolutely in the right. I wouldn't let anyone be around my children smoking or drinking.

YANBU. I've got 2 boys with a 2 year age gap and no support close by. It's definitely tough when they are little and you don't have childcare options, but it's totally doable.

You are doing the right thing.

They sound like really unsuitable grandparents due to the smoking, drinking, inappropriate behaviour and sexist attitudes that were out of date decades ago.

I certainly wouldn't let them have sleepovers or leave them in their care, but I wouldn't want to visit myself either. They don't sound pleasant company in any way.

I wouldn’t be letting them see them alone ever , even when they can talk and understand more and like a pp I’d be limiting contact massively .

Just to give a live update on the real life toxicity I'm experiencing. Currently sitting in A&E with my 5 week old baby, just been diagnosed chest infection and given antibiotics. My DP is looking after our toddler. My mam rang me and said to let her know when I needed picking up and she would come straight away, great. In the meantime though, my dad has turned up at our house and said he would take our DS out and look after him for us, my DP said no and kept DS at home. I just rang my mam saying I was ready with the baby, and she is refusing to come. Saying their feelings matter and they are furious. So I'm stuck at hospital because I don't have the pram. I have organised a lift but I just can't believe they would leave me stranded.