To not let DC go with grandparents alone?

[letsnotIRL]

My DS is 2YO and my baby is 5 weeks old. My mam and dad ask for them quite often, for meals, to take them out or for sleepovers. Mine have never slept out. They have all of their other DGC quite often! I am so hesitant to let my DC go alone because of the way they behave but other family members and friends say I'm being ridiculous.
My mam smokes and I don't want that around the LOs. My dad is a daily drinker with a temper and he often shouts and swears, I remember being terrified growing up.
I'm the only family member to have boys and my dad is so toxic with them, says boys can't cry, my DS can't play with girl toys or watch frozen for example, and when my DS had a small tantrum at their house (I was present), my dad said he would give him a good hiding if he continued and tapped his hand ! I was furious and said something immediately. He's never done it again but recently my DS is going through a biting phase and my dad said "bite me mate and I'll just bite yah back". So now I'm too scared to let them have my DC alone at all, even for an hour. This means I have zero childcare options but I would rather struggle. AIBU? My DB and SIL let them have the kids all the time.

Good on you for doing things differently. Protect your children.

I think you are being very sensible. I wouldn't let my children sit in a smoky environment at all. Added to which your father's attitude may in time traumatised then. YANBU

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry and hope you’re ok. Please remember this in future if you waver in your thinking about decisions to do with them. It’s abusive and manipulative behaviour and no parent in their right mind would normally think or act like this. putting their feelings before the health of grandchild beggars belief…

Hope all ok with your baby health wise too x

Don’t let them go. Trust your instincts they sound horrible. Don’t put your children in that position.
I wouldn’t be spending much time with them.

Frankly after your last update I’d be going very low contact from now on , hope you feel better soon .

You sound fantastic. Your parents, unfortunately sound like a bit of a nightmare. Stick to your guns.

I wouldn’t leave your kid(s) with your parents either. I would minimise contact with them too as they sound toxic and self-centred.

That last update is mega toxic. If I were you I'd be blocking their numbers for a good while.

And the other stuff you are 100% right, theres nothing about your parents which sounds healthy or a good influence for children. I specifically hate that culture of toxic masculinity being pushed on young boys

No way!
Your SIL is clearly not worried but probably sees the free childcare as a bonus!

You are doing the right thing. I wouldn’t let them be alone with my kids ever!

You’re doing the right thing.

Yanbu. Not a chance.

Thank you to everyone wishing me and the baby well. His chest sounds awful but thankfully he's had a good sleep I'm hoping the antibiotics start helping straight away 😥

I've already limited contact and time spent with them but I was really hesitant to go completely none contact. Most likely because I know I'll not see my nieces and nephews if that happens and I love having family time with all the DC. My DS loves his cousins. Unfortunately we might have to pull back for a while at least. They have always behaved this way, and tbh the stuff I wrote in the original post is mild behavior from them 😬 I've been trying to keep the family together but I am so upset and hurt at the moment I have to think about my LOs. Thank you everyone who posted. I knew it wasn't acceptable but everyone calls me weird and they accept it so I wondered if I was being over the top with it all. I'm sticking to my guns on this, I don't want my DC to grow up surrounded by this. Thank you all again x

This keeps playing around in my head and I can't believe I have been doubting myself. I am already upset because of SIL, her and my brother are getting married in a few weeks, (just easier to call her sil), and she recently messaged me asking if I could bottle feed my baby instead of breast at the wedding because it makes everyone feel uncomfortable me, to quote "just getting my t#ts out". So I said absolutely not he will be 8 weeks old and is ebf, you can't tell someone how to feed their infant, I'm not "getting my t#ts out", I'm feeding my baby. She honestly replied saying I was just trying to make the day all about me and steal the attention. My parents are wholly on her side and think I'm trying to be deliberately difficult! I am the first and only in my family to breastfeed and it has been a huge issue from the get go, despite baby absolutely thriving and me always using a muslin for privacy. I've had to deal with comments such as - he's not getting enough, you're over feeding him, it's not necessary cause you can buy formula, it's gross and you shouldn't let boys breastfeed, and, well don't do that near me.
I just feel so alone and I'm completely ranting now. I don't know why I've bothered staying in contact this long. I feel finished with them all.
Again, at the time of the texts between me and SIL, I started to believe I was the problem !!

Surely you’re not so naive to think people like this (and much worse) don’t exist?

I think you need to distance yourself from your family. They don’t sound very clever and I doubt they’ll ever be on your wavelength.

The way you’ve described your parents, YANBU.
I wouldn’t want her smoking close by or even having lingering smoke on her clothes. And if your dad can’t control his drinking and has toxic outdated boys should be boys opinions I would be reluctant to leave them alone with them at all, or even for them to spend too much time with them at all.

Honestly, your family sound like something out of Shameless. The comments about breastfeeding are so ridiculous and ignorant, I'd just laugh in their faces. Much as you would like your children to have a relationship with their cousins, your family's views and attitudes will influence your nieces and nephews and could affect your children.

They see you as middle class now and it makes them feel defensive but they are dealing with this in a really unpleasant way. Reducing or completely cutting contact is the right thing to do for you and your children.

I think that's exactly what it is, we've just bought a new property and moved to an area with better schools for the DC and my family either make fun or call us ridiculous. We are on totally different pages of totally different books we will never agree on anything I don't think.

Time to go NC , your SIL and brother sound just as bad

Yeah I think this too. You are bettering yourself and making choices to benefit your families future and unfortunately your family arent supportive, in fact they seem to be making your life harder.

The breastfeeding comments are disgusting and a massive step too far, I'd definitely be backing away asap. To refer to breastfeeding as attention seeking and getting your tits out is some of the most scummy backward nonsense I've ever heard.

This is my thought process too. They've always been this way but the issue with breastfeeding I did not forsee and it completely threw me. I feel like I want to do the best I can but, like you say, I need a better support network than this.

My Dad has very little patience with young kids, doesn’t drink heavily or anything but just gets irritated very easily. As a consequence he has never had my son alone (not that’s he’s ever asked!)
now mine is 10 yrs old I would leave him with my dad for an hour or so at my house if I had to pop out or something but that’s it.

in your shoes I would keep a very tight rein on your parents interactions. Definitely no unsupervised visits. I struggle to understand why they keep asking tbh if your Dad has such a shitty attitude 🤷‍♂️

my own grandad was pretty scary back in the 80s. I was petrified of him.

My DS slept over at both grandparents a few times before he was a year old and I went back to work when he was 7 months so I'm relaxed about these things.

In your situation I wouldn't allow it...yanbu.

Oh I’ve just read your other posts about the hospital and BF. They sound like nasty scumbags (sorry) and really controlling. Everything has to be on their terms doesn’t it?

it also sounds like you have evolved and left your family for dust in terms of being a good egg! Your
values simply don’t align with theirs (if they even have any). You’ve moved on, bettered yourself and will not be repeating the cycle of shittiness. Good for you and fuck them frankly!