To not let DC go with grandparents alone?

[letsnotIRL]

My DS is 2YO and my baby is 5 weeks old. My mam and dad ask for them quite often, for meals, to take them out or for sleepovers. Mine have never slept out. They have all of their other DGC quite often! I am so hesitant to let my DC go alone because of the way they behave but other family members and friends say I'm being ridiculous.
My mam smokes and I don't want that around the LOs. My dad is a daily drinker with a temper and he often shouts and swears, I remember being terrified growing up.
I'm the only family member to have boys and my dad is so toxic with them, says boys can't cry, my DS can't play with girl toys or watch frozen for example, and when my DS had a small tantrum at their house (I was present), my dad said he would give him a good hiding if he continued and tapped his hand ! I was furious and said something immediately. He's never done it again but recently my DS is going through a biting phase and my dad said "bite me mate and I'll just bite yah back". So now I'm too scared to let them have my DC alone at all, even for an hour. This means I have zero childcare options but I would rather struggle. AIBU? My DB and SIL let them have the kids all the time.

Thanks, this made me smile ! Fuck them indeed. I'm focusing on my little family, can't let anyone else or their ridiculous opinions deter me from that :)

No, No, No! Absolutely no way should your DC be in contact alone with them. In fact I wouldn't even visit them at home because of the smoke. They sound appalling and very unsafe around children. You have no obligation whatsoever to expose DC to them. Be strong, OP. don't doubt yourself, YANBU.

I cannot believe that someone who isn't even in your family yet can be dictating to her fiance's sister like this, and being nasty with it. Your family sound an absolute nightmare, OP. I'd be withdrawing from them into my own peace. Good luck to you, your values are much better than theirs.

No. Supervised access only. When asked why, say 'I like to have my babies with me.'

You poor thing you sound lovely although frankly no support network is better than a pretend one which just brings you down or makes you question yourself

With normal living grandparents I would say you’re being precious but they sound awful!

Yanbu. In fact, I wouldn’t even be visiting them all if mum smokes and dad drinks in the house, especially if he’s drunk.

I would try to start building yourself a village. We lived a long way from our families and they were too old to help with childcare. I went to parent and child groups, made friends, they looked after the children in emergencies. I did childcare swaps with other parents when they were little and then when a bit older we found older teens, generally the older siblings of children we knew the parents of. You need to enforce boundaries.

I imagine your mother is keen for you to bottle feed so you have less of a reason not to let her have him. I would try to feed him before the ceremony and then just absent yourself when he needs feeding, not because you should need to hide away but it sounds like SIL will turn it into a drama.

That's what I've been doing since first DS was born, we have a regular routine with regards to weekly groups, mam meet ups and spending time with cousins, other cousins! I don't feel lonely or anything. I think this situation with my family has left me feeling a bit anxious in regards to childcare, I don't let anyone have my DCs, I clearly have trust issues but I don't want it affecting them. Need to try and find people I am comfortable with, even just as back ups for emergency.

He goes about 2-3 hours between feeds during the day, especially in his pram, I don't think I will need to feed him in front of anyone at all. I was going to do pre feed before the ceremony, then home with both my DC to feed my toddler and feed baby, then the evening do for a couple of hours and then home. It shouldn't be an issue at all.

You will be fine. I would start to consider finding one or two people who you do trust. Not for now, but there will be times when you might need support. Knowing there are people who you do trust will help you to resist the pressure. Also make sure you have nominated guardians in your Wills, with reasons why they have been appointed.

My little boy is 16 months, both sets of grandparents are lovely and I still don’t send him to theirs alone or over for sleepovers - so please don’t feel bad about not sending yours. I actually find it quite strange when grandparents keep asking to have their grandchildren “alone” - we do lots of stuff as a family but they don’t plan things for my son that don’t include me. If I asked them to have him they would of course.

This.

YADNBU at all! I'm sorry to say this, but your family sound vile and toxic. My parents were strict with me/my siblings, but they were wonderful with my DC and fully supportive of anyone BFing. I went to two weddings in the first 3 weeks of DC2 being born. Not one person said a negative thing about me BFing DC2. People offered to bring me drinks/snacks etc and made sure I was in a comfortable seat. If my parents/family were like yours, there's no way I would have let them have my kids, so stand your ground and stick to your boundaries (and what works for you and your DC!).

Horrible sounding people.

That's a really good point about the wills thank you! I wouldn't want them going to my parents, the thought horrifys me.

I don’t think you have trust issues - I think your instinct and spidery senses are spot on! You sound a brilliant mum and your son will really benefit having you as a parent. A ‘normal’ grandparent would not behave in this way and it’s them that’s acting badly not you. Your sil sounds bonkers too. It’s natural to doubt yourself if you’ve been brought up with people around you acting like this all your life while you’re a sensible, caring, rational individual, so if you doubt yourself in the future pls remember this and be kind to yourself!

Thank you for saying that, I'm all over the place at the moment (5 weeks post c-section) and I'm tired of being made to feel like its all me. So your comment is hugely appreciated 🫶

You are being a good mum and protecting your dc.

Keep them to yourself and don’t let your parents have them alone.

They "ask for them" ... they are small human beings, not pints of beer to be ordered at a bar!

My dad was like this, an abusive alcoholic who would scream, shout and throw things. I spent most of my childhood terrified of him, he was full of demands while I was pregnant, no boundaries, couldn’t and wouldn’t try to understand things from any perspective different from his. I went full no contact almost 5 years ago and as a result lost a few family members which I was fine with. Their views and values in parenting didn’t align with mine and I stopped allowing myself to believe I was the problem. You most definitely are not the problem, for them to not pick your and baby up from hospital because their feelings got hurt is downright toxic, nasty, manipulative and cruel. I really hope you find the strength to go NC and realise how amazing a mother you are for stopping that pattern of behaviour and giving your children the best start in life. Give your children a childhood they don’t have to heal from

Smoking and a volatile person who drinks alcohol every day threatening physical punishment would make that a hell to the no for me. I would cut off an active alcoholic completely.

Just because other people in your family think they're ok to watch tiny kids means it is ok. They were raised to think this kind of dysfunction and harm is normal.

You are right and the rest of your family are crazy.

Keep your kids away from the crazy.

You would be very unreasonable not to protect your children by stepping right away from your entire extended family.

I would also suggest getting some better friends. You said in your first post that your friends think you're being unreasonable here. That's definitely not the sort of people you should be surrounding yourself with. Time to move on and create an.entire new network.

Under those circumstances I wouldn’t leave my children there either. As a fellow Yorkshire person (I presume you are from the language you use) I’m so over the toxic male language used to stop boys expressing emotion and having feelings. Luckily I think it’s pretty archaic now but your fathers approach is worrying