Private school fomo

[Europeanmum]

Hello,
I was born and educated (state education was great) in Europe, came to London as an adult. Mum of a 3 years old, I am now starting to feel the pressure of the decision around primary schools. My values make me think that state school is the best option but all the comments around private school as the safe bet for performance are difficult to ignore. more than half of the kids at nursery have already accepted offers from private. We can afford private (fees would be 10% of our net take home pay and mortgage was paid off already) but it will mean half a million not invested and once you start there is no way back. Our standards for education are high because we did well in school and would not want our child to be uninspired or not challenged but it is impossible to understand if they will be academic at this age and we are not really interested in putting pressure just to satisfy our ambitions. And also we would hate if they became an adult raised in a bubble of privilege with limited empathy for different backgrounds.

is it just fomo or are we missing the trick?

Its as simple as Private or State being better, its looking at individual schools. You are in the fortunate position of having the choice. So look at the schools and chose the best one for your child.

However if you are wary of it being a privileged bubble... looking at the social economy background of your closest state school. If you are raising them in an an expensive neighbourhood, its likely the school won't be that mixed and still part of that bubble.

Not all private schools are that great, just FYI.

For heaven’s sake, OP, as a fellow non-Brit who had a child who went to primary in the UK, don’t take on the frankly mad cultural anxiety about schools that is so pervasive.

Sounds like you can easily afford it so if you want it, just pay for it!

No private school education will benefit your child as much as a half a million deposit for their first home will.

' but it will mean half a million not invested '

do you not see it as your child being ' invested ' in

10% for a 3 yo will multiply rapidly as they progress through a school. You don’t have to commit long term.

Strange attitude to say that you value eduction but it would be ‘half a million not invested’- if you value education it is the best investment. It is not simply a case of academic results but the childhood experience and even people who are not ‘academic’ can still be curious and love learning. And there is a lot more learning in indie schools (I have taught in many of both). The money spent on my children’s education was easily the best ROI of any investment I’ve made. You only have one childhood, make it as fun and enriching as possible.

Have you visited any schools? If not, go visit them and see if they are worth it to you. Academics are part of it, but so are extracurricular activities. Generally it is easier to move from state to private, so you could start in state schools and move later if you wanted.

Out kids are at state school and we supplement with clubs/music lessons and spend time supporting their academics at home. This works well for us. For some people, the advantage of private school is more being offered on site, needing less feeying around to clubs etc.

Your income allows you to make choices without much sacrifice. Whilst that makes the choice harder in some ways, it does give you lots of choices others don't have. To me, 10% is a relatively small proportion of income to spend, although I appreciate it is still a lot of money.

Not all private schools are worth it. You should look into the schools and see which best suits your child. I went to state primary and private secondary and it was a good balance.

Though this was in the early 90s and competition for secondary places was lower such that I got offers from 5 schools. My DD is at private primary - something my DH wanted more than I did as I would have preferred the mixed approach I had. What persuaded me was that the school is an all through school and means she won’t have to do the stressful 11plus exams and there is no risk of losing out and going up one of the really rubbish secondaries near us.

I’m very happy with the school and we can just about afford it, but I definitely do worry about her not mixing with everyone sometimes, and growing up in a bubble of privilege. We try to ensure she understands that she is very lucky.

I guess what I am saying is you have to weigh up lots of factors, visit all the schools and decide what’s best for your child/children.

ETA: I see the expenditure as an investment in my DD’s education and life. Nothing is more important than that for me.

This is true but if the fees are just 10% of their net income and they don’t have a mortgage then they can probably spare a few quid for a deposit too!

A child knowing there is a half a million invested for their first home is a child who will never bother doing anything.

Given the OPs income, it is probably not 'either/or'.

It sounds like you have a mortgage paid off, large earnings and disposable income. Presuming you're not retiring or scaling back soon, you can likely afford to pay for private school and arrange a nice nest egg to launch your child/children when the time comes.
Sounds like a no brainer.

Unless you live in a very mixed area, your State school is unlikely to be truly diverse, so again, you may as well send them private.

I would look at both because state school now doesn’t mean you are committed long term in fact state ‘til 8 is commonly used as an expression and many more switch at 11

You could do state until 8 then private after? Before Y3 I don’t think there’s a huge advantage to private school. Or you could do prep then choose between grammar or carrying on with private later? My kids are currently in state schools and have just done taster days at a couple of prep schools…the difference is huge. The prep schools are truly lovely, so much going on. But yeah the cost is huge over the years. Do look into the senior school fees, and extrapolate given the yearly fee increases.

not the point if your thread but how did you get so rich ? And I’ve always wanted to ask rich people this question so please indulge me ….do you feel grateful and lucky a lot or do you hang out with a lot of other rich people so don’t think it’s a big deal ? I’m so curious and can’t ask people in real life

I think your attitude suggests that you should
opt for private.

‘bubble of privilege with limited empathy for different backgrounds’. Sorry but this is a ridiculous statement as this is your responsibility to ensure your child develops empathy and understands individual circumstances etc. If this is how you think I think you have bigger issues than state or primary.

I think you need to take your time and find a school you like for your child instead of fixating on state vs private. If you are that wealthy your child is likely to be in a bit of a bubble regardless. We chose state primary for our two and it gave them great friends, education and grounding with a real mix of children. But we chose private for secondary because of the quality of the state secondaries and where we thought our children would be happiest and do best.

Wait and see. London has some great schools and as you say you have no idea if your child will be academic. Go and look at state schools, do some research on your local options. Private is not always better.
FWIW ds went state all through although we did flirt with the idea of private school for secondary as it was clear he was very academic. He didn't like it, we chose state and he ended up with 4 X A* at A level and a place at Oxbridge. He was also very happy at school. We invested the private school fees in an ISA for him and so he now has a nice deposit for a flat (which he probably won't need as he's earning very well!)

If you can genuinely easily afford it then I would. And they are not "bubbles of privilege with no empathy" any more so than state schools are hotbeds of violence and low achievement. Different schools suit different kids. Not all privates are fiercely academic and don't have to be pressured, not all state schools will be great for an academically bright child. If you have the means to cast your net wide, do so, visit lots, make your own judgement.

Agreed. Only a small percentage of UK children are in private schools. Most of the rest manage just fine.

As pp have already said: It's not about private versus state. It's about the right school for your child.
Your child is very young. At this stage it's hard to know what their needs are going to be as they progress through school.
I don't know about London, but in Scotland (where I am) private schools are not required to provide additional support for learning for kids with special needs.
I've seen a few people come a cropper with this- when turns out a few years down the line that their kids have some condition that wasn't obvious at reception.
Not saying it will happen to you, but something to be aware of.
IME middle class people can work each other up, competing for the same few schools they've heard about from each other. It's easy to get sucked in but try not to be.
Visit all the schools with an open mind and think about where your child will be happiest.

Housing cost is pricing people out of having children in London so there are fewer children and both private and state schools are closing so instability in both sectors.

Private schools can have very small infant class sizes and parental cliques which can make it difficult for a child to make friends - particularly if there is a gender imbalance.

State schools intake is likely to be more local which makes playdates easier and you can find helpful things about the local area.