Private school fomo

[Europeanmum]

Hello,
I was born and educated (state education was great) in Europe, came to London as an adult. Mum of a 3 years old, I am now starting to feel the pressure of the decision around primary schools. My values make me think that state school is the best option but all the comments around private school as the safe bet for performance are difficult to ignore. more than half of the kids at nursery have already accepted offers from private. We can afford private (fees would be 10% of our net take home pay and mortgage was paid off already) but it will mean half a million not invested and once you start there is no way back. Our standards for education are high because we did well in school and would not want our child to be uninspired or not challenged but it is impossible to understand if they will be academic at this age and we are not really interested in putting pressure just to satisfy our ambitions. And also we would hate if they became an adult raised in a bubble of privilege with limited empathy for different backgrounds.

is it just fomo or are we missing the trick?

It all depends on where you live

where we live we have excellent state schools and private

plenty of wealthy people send their DC to state schools here with the option of private if they don’t get the place they’re after

if I lived in a different area I’d consider private for sure if the state schools were dire

unless it’s a selective private school for secondary then don’t be under any illusion that that your DC will fare better academically but a non academic pupil will scrape a 4 though for GCSE that would fail in a state school

‘Fees would be 10% of our net take home pay and mortgage paid off already’

Your wealth means you have lots of great choices about schools.

Your "investment" is in your child. Are they bright, confident, outgoing?
In that case they will probably do well anywhere.
Would they benefit from being in an environment that mirrors your values and aspirations?
In that case private (or as it used to be called, fee-paying) could benefit them more.

If private school parents are honest, they will admit their child would not have got the grades they did at the local comp/secondary modern.
It’s up to you how important grades are for your child’s future.

Don't want that privilege bubble.......but want all the advantages that come with that privilege.
Just own it

Try a state primary school first. As you say, once you start with private there’s no going back.

If on the journey you lose confidence in the primary school, or perhaps the secondary options don’t look great when the time comes, switch to independent schooling at that point.

Private hands down.

Educating two DC is bang-on 10% of our monthly take home pay (£2,965) also between me and OH.

Buts that tuition only. Factor in uniforms, long school holidays, paid after school clubs, tutoring etc.

Factor in additional children - do you want more?

Factor in secondary education/boarding school. Fees rise big time.

We looked at a small selection in person, with our eyes open on the difference in marketing efforts. Our local state (in our road) has an ethos we really share, average results and respectable leavers destinations. The private we like most has impressive students, with half of them going to top sw London schools at y3. If we chose this route, we would likely end up aiming for a single sex at at 8+ and we are not fans.

Maybe you can help me understand why it is an investment. The child and family are the same, school and environment different

So it’s only fomo?

@NeringaCS well, what if they go on to earn seven digits salaries they would have not earned otherwise and get a lower deposit from us? I am an outsider trying to understand the unspoken truths…

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon help me clarify my understanding please. If I invest in a good primary, the chances of getting to a secondary and uni that are a true return on investment are higher. And they will be surrounded by ambitious peers. Or is it still mainly their personality/ talent and family the key factor so the half a million is just for marginal gain? Genuinely curious

@minnienono how do you compete for 8 entry with children who have been prepped by the school and have an accelerated curriculum though? You need to be exceptionally better?

Private school can’t get something out of a child that isn’t in them already. The sort of people with the intellect, charisma and drive to be capable of attracting seven figure salaries will do well anywhere.

I would go for the local State, it sounds fine. If you think it's lacking in some areas eg maths, music, you can do extra maths workbooks with your son, or get him a tutor when he's a but older. For music he can learn an instrument outside of school. You don't know what your son will be like academically, and whether he will need the extra attention in a private primary.

My DD had state primary, private secondary. I know families who chose private primary, but I don't think it was really worth it, no difference to eventual uni.

Also bear in mind that your DS may want to be an archeologist, reseaech scientists or a drummer, and not make 6 or 7 figuers. You need to make sure he doesn't feel like he has to be successful and a return on investment.

I think it completely depends what you value. I personally chose to go down the private route from primary and I feel it’s been worth every penny.

My DCs have had access to small class sizes with extra support if needed, great facilities both academic, musical and sporting. Fantastic wrap around and holiday clubs, wide and extensive range of extra curricular activity on site. They have been nurtured with their individual interests encouraged and any difficulties supported. DCs have grown up with far more confidence and with a love for learning I admire. Most of all they are happy and that’s priceless.

It may be they would have got some of this at the local state but definitely not all of it.

Have a look at all local schools.

you can always start state Primary with a view to 7 or 11 entry if you feel that would be a good move at the
time.

because you can afford to dip in Whenever it suits you have the advantage of starting off state and moving anytime you feel it’s right or if it’s right.

And also we would hate if they became an adult raised in a bubble of privilege with limited empathy for different backgrounds

as an independent school teacher, this is one of the biggest load of bollox that is spouted about children who attend private. And school is not a child’s only way of learning. You shouldn’t be expecting school to teach morals, common decency, and an understanding of what it means to be privileged. You can teach how to listen, empathise, thinking about what it’s like to walk a mile in other people’s shoes. You can give to charity, take part in charitable events and get children to research and understand what their donations might be used for. You can encourage kindness and developing friendships with children at activities who are struggling to get along with others. I know of more than one parent who demands their children do voluntary work as a punishment - they are given a number of hours to work depending on what they did and ‘pay back’ by working broadly in support of their local community. They can join Guides/Scouts/Cadets or do Duke of Edinburgh which has a volunteering element.

Your children will take their cues from you. If you want empathy for different backgrounds, you need to demonstrate it. And I can assure you that an independent school will not be telling your children they are somehow better than everyone else. But they will work to develop confidence, they will creatively deliver their curriculum and provide multiple opportunities for excellence in music, drama, sport, maths, science, languages etc. etc. Alongside smaller class sizes, it is those opportunities you are paying for.

but it will mean half a million not invested

But presumably a bigger amount will be invested? 😃

I went to state as did my husband -we have multiple homes now so see both sides and could afford private but our children went to state schools. Admittedly in a posh area…

The Rich people with contacts will do what they do no matter if you go to private or state schools - they are on a different planet

You can’t complete so we saved the money and are giving it to them as a house deposits (my eldest is currently at one of the top universities world wide)

The top state schools send a third of kids to Oxbridge - there was actually one near me like that, and spaces were more coveted than at the local private school.

All that is to say that it's not as simple as state = bad, private = better. You really need to do research into local schools. If you're in the catchment for an excellent state school you should go to that.

My mum went to an expensive private school, hated it, and dropped out before sixth form despite being v clever. Me and my siblings went to a state school we loved and got into Oxbridge. It's really more about the learning environment and ethos of the school in my opinion

Tuition

@Pickledpoppetpickle i am surprised you interpreted this way, I could have been more explicit. There is a huge difference in having normal or underprivileged peers in school as friends, competing directly for the same opportunities and outperforming you. If the vast majority of peers comes from privileged groups who live a segregated life (exclusive sports in exclusive clubs their family have been members for generations and holidays abroad who feel uncomfortable around underprivileged people), the social skills developed may be more likely to limited…

@ClaudiusTheGod rubbish. I was given a private education and a flat in London. My parents made sure I knew that if I wasn’t self sufficient as an adult everything else would go to charity. Anyway, it’s not going to charity so something must have gone right. And I am helping mine on the same principle.

@Europeanmum I send mine privately and think it’s the best decision I can make for them. Do it. You can do so why wouldn't you.

How hard is it to be self sufficient when you don't have to worry about affording either rent or a mortgage though?