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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To forgive my husband

56 replies

Lollipop20 · 26/04/2025 06:34

Try to keep it as short as possible. Been with DH 7 years, married for 2 and have a 3 year old. Few years back found out my husband had a loan initially of around £6k, looking through the statements it was before we got together, he said he was paying it off and before me so didnt want to burden me with it- last year found out he had another one for £12k as a letter came through the door from a bank and i know we don’t have an account with them so asked him to open it and that was revealed- husband gets paid well (we both do) so after the revelation he paid it off quickly so then I thought we were back on track and starting fresh. This week we were discussed opening a joint account for every day living stuff eg petrol/food etc but I asked to do his credit check first before we open one, his score came back good however I asked if I could read through, it was then I realised he had 5.5k on a credit card.

Husband has said this has all been from before we met where tbh we were young and I didn’t even think to ask. However everytime I’ve found out about debt etc he’s reassured me that’s it all gone for me to then find something else out again.

ive never had to bail him out as he’s paid it off himself, mortgage is in my name, no joint accounts as of yet and we earn well but this constant fear of finding things is just getting ridiculous- the £12k one I was absolutely heartbroken but when I found out about this £5.5k I was almost numb like I’ve got used to it?! Might be worth noting we lost his mum a few months back after a 4 year battle with cancer which tbh was just brutal and very traumatic near the end ( we both helped with the pallitve care) so don’t know if I’m on auto pilot

For people who have gone through this what are your experiences/thoughts?

OP posts:

thinktwice36 · 26/04/2025 06:36

What’s he doing with the cash? I wouldn’t be taking out any joint debt with him. Bad enough you will be responsible for the stuff he incurs without you knowing about it.

Neveranynamesleft · 26/04/2025 06:37

I haven't gone through that but my thoughts are he cannot be trusted. Things like this start small, goodness knows what you could uncover next.

Agix · 26/04/2025 06:41

As long as he's paying it off now and not racking up more, I'd not worry too much about it. I'd forgive him.

Surely a full credit check would bring up all thr debt he has if your concern is not to wanting any more surprises? Get it all up, make sure it's all paid off.

Theunamedcat · 26/04/2025 06:41

Personal debt should not be paid from the joint account but I would be wary of him

merrymelody · 26/04/2025 06:50

What on earth is he spending all this money on? 🤨

Loopytiles · 26/04/2025 06:55

You’re married so his debts affect you. Once and dishonesty over it was bad enough but several times suggests he’s not trustworthy, honest and / or has something else to hide.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/04/2025 06:58

@Lollipop20 dont get a joint mortgage with this man!! dont ever ever open a joint account. he has no control over his finances!

FOJN · 26/04/2025 06:58

He's got over 5k of credit card debt from before you got together which was 7 years ago?

Have you asked to see his payslips, bank and credit card statements?

Either he doesn't earn as much as you think or he is spending money on things he doesn't want you to know about. I wouldn't open a bank account with him without full financial transparency.

Houseplantsaresoothing · 26/04/2025 06:59

I think you would be wise to not open a joint account.

His secrecy about his credit card debts is quite worrying. As is his attitude to money. That is a large amount of personal debt to have for quite a long period if he is to be believed that it's from before you knew him.
What does he say he spent the money on? Knowing that might be very revealing. Tbh I would be surprised if he was honest about that.

You need to stress the importance of financial transparency going forward. I would be in the alert for further problems.

Moonnstars · 26/04/2025 07:01

I would be cautious, is it not the case that if you are married all debts belong to you both rather than just him?
Likewise just because his name isn't on the mortgage doesn't mean he couldn't claim against you if you divorced (I am sure that's what people normally say to women when it's the other way round and tell them it doesn't matter if they are married if their name isn't on the mortgage).

Nina1013 · 26/04/2025 07:03

If he’s able to pay it off though, is this actually a problem? You say he earns well and every time you find out, he pays is. Could it not just be different attitudes to spending? Which can be resolved.

We have 10k on a credit card at the moment, due to the way the months cut off - so £6k which will be due end of April and then the rest will go onto the bill that will be paid end of May.

BlueMum16 · 26/04/2025 07:05

Do you jointly own your home?

I'm guessing he's just run up a credit card with every day spending and paying the minimum amount. It's easy to do without realizing it.

I would ask to see his payslips to confirm his wages and that there are no attachments of earrings.

I would explain why this upsets.you - why does it?

I personally wouldn't get any joint financial products with this man. No bank account, no utilities, no loans and keep the mortgage assuming you can pay it without him. At the moment he is responsible for his debt and it's separate.

My only worry would be if he legally owned your home with you if one of his creditors could try and put a charge on your property if he defaulted. At the moment with a good credit score and him paying his bills you don't appear to need to worry.

Is he responsible for paying any bills directly such as utilities/car loans? Have you evidence he is doing so?

battairzeedurgzome · 26/04/2025 07:22

I'd always be wondering what else he hadn't told me about.

MoreChocPls · 26/04/2025 07:29

I think you’re being somewhat naive as you’ve married him and so his debt could be yours . Also, your property which is in your name could still be his as well. I seriously think about getting onto this marriage as he clearly can’t be trusted. Where is all this money going? Is it contributing towards the house? Did he inherit any money from his mum?

babyproblems · 26/04/2025 07:32

What’s your monthly expenditure look like - what’s he spending this money on?? How shared are your finances? Don’t accept anything less that absolute transparency. I wouldn’t trust him tbh. I wondered straight away if it was gambling or coke..

Evaka · 26/04/2025 07:37

If he's a gold earner, how does he explain the 12k loan in particular. It's not the ability to pay off that matters in this case, it's the mystery spending. I wouldn't be happy with any of this.

Richiewoo · 26/04/2025 07:41

He can't be trusted. If he earns well why is he so in debt. You're married his debts become yours if he defaults.

ZippyPeer · 26/04/2025 08:01

Seems like he has a very disfunctional relationship with money. He's spending it on something (what though?) and then being very secretive (why?)

I've read somewhere that differing attitudes to finances is a very common reason for breakups.

I'd be having lots of serious conversations and possibly going to joint counselling to get to the bottom of this...

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/04/2025 08:15

He has a credit card with 5k which he’s had since before you met. Does he mean he has a balance of at least this amount before you met? How much interest will he have been paying in the last 8 years? I’d be asking to see the statement for this account.

He is clearly not being honest with you about his finances. Were there any other cards on his credit file?

He could have fessed up to you about this card when you discovered the loan - why didn’t he? I suspect the card is newer than that.

I would not enter into any joint accounts with him, and when you say the mortgage is in your name… why? Presumably it was your house before you met?

You are married, he could have a claim on your house.

A serious sit down with full disclosure is required.

Energe · 26/04/2025 08:17

What’s he spending it on? If gambling, leave him

myrtle70 · 26/04/2025 08:20

Was going to say the same thing don’t underestimate how different attitudes to money and responsibility affect a marriage. I met my exH young and he was irresponsible and drifted from job to job but seemed like he had sorted himself out. He’d just established himself in a great career when we married. I assumed he’d grown up. He said he wanted a family etc Then he quit work as he didn’t like his boss and for the rest of the marriage he went back to being under employed and constantly quitting jobs and expecting me to pay for everything. It’s something you need to talk about properly and have some ground rules. And don’t financially rely on him always have your own money / pension etc. I’d want to know what the money was for and why if he could afford it he didn’t pay it off and has unnecessarily paid interest for years. Not everyone is good with money but then he should let you handle the money and be open about it. I’d be worried about gambling.

parietal · 26/04/2025 08:29

Gambling is the big worry here. It is addictive and secretive and easy to rank up huge debts.

you need to know exactly what he is spending the money on.

what does he contribute to household finances and how is that split between you?

kierenthecommunity · 26/04/2025 08:41

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/04/2025 06:58

@Lollipop20 dont get a joint mortgage with this man!! dont ever ever open a joint account. he has no control over his finances!

Two loans (one of which has been paid off) and five grand on a credit card doesn’t necessarily equal a financial disaster. I used to sell loans and people used to rack up way more debt than that.

OP I’d be interested to know what the money was for. £12K to buy a car or a new kitchen wouldn’t be a concern for me. £5K on a credit card that had been used to pay for holidays or other large purchases again wouldn’t set alarm bells ringing.

But if it’s all to consolidate debt, and that debt is for random spending/gambling I’d be a bit more concerned.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/04/2025 08:44

There are 2 facts here that you have 1) he can afford to pay his debts and 2) he’s happy to lie to you.

So it’s clear from that that these are more than likely new debts, because why would he have 8 year old debts of so much money accruing interest when he can afford to pay them off? Why does he lie and always say there’s no more when he can afford to pay them? It’s because 1) they are new or 2) he enjoys lying to you, your happiness and peace is not important to him.

So why doesn’t he value your happiness or trust? And what is he spending the money on? Gambling? Another woman? Drugs?

If you want to ‘forgive’ him then that’s fine, but it’s foolish to just turn a blind eye and be a mug. Even if you forgive him, what next? Forgive every time? If you give licence to lie about money what will his next lie be?

RainbowsMoonbeams · 26/04/2025 08:48

Absolutely depends what the money was spent on?

Gambling/prostitutes/addiction - no, I couldn’t forgive.

Keeping your head above water/essential repairs on house etc are a world of difference to the above scenarios - more forgivable

Either way, it is financial betrayal. But did he do it for his own selfish reasons or for the family?

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