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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive my husband

56 replies

Lollipop20 · 26/04/2025 06:34

Try to keep it as short as possible. Been with DH 7 years, married for 2 and have a 3 year old. Few years back found out my husband had a loan initially of around £6k, looking through the statements it was before we got together, he said he was paying it off and before me so didnt want to burden me with it- last year found out he had another one for £12k as a letter came through the door from a bank and i know we don’t have an account with them so asked him to open it and that was revealed- husband gets paid well (we both do) so after the revelation he paid it off quickly so then I thought we were back on track and starting fresh. This week we were discussed opening a joint account for every day living stuff eg petrol/food etc but I asked to do his credit check first before we open one, his score came back good however I asked if I could read through, it was then I realised he had 5.5k on a credit card.

Husband has said this has all been from before we met where tbh we were young and I didn’t even think to ask. However everytime I’ve found out about debt etc he’s reassured me that’s it all gone for me to then find something else out again.

ive never had to bail him out as he’s paid it off himself, mortgage is in my name, no joint accounts as of yet and we earn well but this constant fear of finding things is just getting ridiculous- the £12k one I was absolutely heartbroken but when I found out about this £5.5k I was almost numb like I’ve got used to it?! Might be worth noting we lost his mum a few months back after a 4 year battle with cancer which tbh was just brutal and very traumatic near the end ( we both helped with the pallitve care) so don’t know if I’m on auto pilot

For people who have gone through this what are your experiences/thoughts?

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 27/04/2025 09:12

My ex was like this. Not debt from before we were married though. Stuff he took out while we were married. My way of dealing with it was to never have any joint debt/credit with him, although did have to have a mortgage with him, which due to his non-payment when we were divorcing wrecked my credit for 7 years.

Don't ever take out any joint debt with him. OR take out any debt in your name, that he is supposedly going to pay half of. He clearly 1) Can't be trusted and 2) Doesn't know how to deal with money. Protect yourself FFS if you're not going to leave him.

TizerorFizz · 27/04/2025 14:35

@TheAmusedQuail In a marriage debt is debt. It’s a marital debt regardless of who took it out. Liabilities and assets are all on the table in a divorce. You don’t get to ring fence debts or assets very often! Pre nup can give a steer of course.

The OP should work with DH and hopefully clear the debt as suggested and ensure no more loans are taken out without both parties agreeing and understanding what the implications are. Bad luck does happen but sweeping the finances under the carpet never does. He’s paid for things like a wedding and holidays instead of paying his debts. So he’s not that sensible and he needs to prove he can be.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/04/2025 17:47

I am not sure you’re ever protected from your spouse’s debt.

TheAmusedQuail · 27/04/2025 19:56

TizerorFizz · 27/04/2025 14:35

@TheAmusedQuail In a marriage debt is debt. It’s a marital debt regardless of who took it out. Liabilities and assets are all on the table in a divorce. You don’t get to ring fence debts or assets very often! Pre nup can give a steer of course.

The OP should work with DH and hopefully clear the debt as suggested and ensure no more loans are taken out without both parties agreeing and understanding what the implications are. Bad luck does happen but sweeping the finances under the carpet never does. He’s paid for things like a wedding and holidays instead of paying his debts. So he’s not that sensible and he needs to prove he can be.

Nope. You're wrong. If the debt is solely in one partner's name, it is not the responsibility of the spouse. I've been through this.

Am I Liable For My Partners Debt? | Experian
Am I responsible for my partner’s debt?
Generally speaking, a person is only responsible for their own debt. If your name isn’t on the credit agreement and you didn’t sign the contract, or act as a guarantor, then in most circumstances you can’t be chased for payment.
However, if you jointly applied for credit with your partner, or signed the paperwork, then a lender could pursue both of you.

Am I Liable For My Partners Debt? | Experian

Finding out you're liable for your partner’s debt can be a worrying prospect. Learn more about whether you can be liable for your partner’s debt with Experian.

https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/partners-debt.html

TizerorFizz · 27/04/2025 20:05

I was talking about in a divorce! Not Experian. A gambling debt might be attributed to the gambler but general debt is considered matrimonial debt unless there are compelling reasons otherwise. The OP knew about them and therefore they are not wholly individual. She hasn’t directly benefitted and could argue this but it’s hard if he’s borrowed more and they had a wedding and holidays whilst having debt.

Anjcat7 · 27/04/2025 20:12

Just keep finances separate. As long as you are both contributing to the household. I wouldn’t worry too much.

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