To forgive my husband

[Lollipop20]

Try to keep it as short as possible. Been with DH 7 years, married for 2 and have a 3 year old. Few years back found out my husband had a loan initially of around £6k, looking through the statements it was before we got together, he said he was paying it off and before me so didnt want to burden me with it- last year found out he had another one for £12k as a letter came through the door from a bank and i know we don’t have an account with them so asked him to open it and that was revealed- husband gets paid well (we both do) so after the revelation he paid it off quickly so then I thought we were back on track and starting fresh. This week we were discussed opening a joint account for every day living stuff eg petrol/food etc but I asked to do his credit check first before we open one, his score came back good however I asked if I could read through, it was then I realised he had 5.5k on a credit card.

Husband has said this has all been from before we met where tbh we were young and I didn’t even think to ask. However everytime I’ve found out about debt etc he’s reassured me that’s it all gone for me to then find something else out again.

ive never had to bail him out as he’s paid it off himself, mortgage is in my name, no joint accounts as of yet and we earn well but this constant fear of finding things is just getting ridiculous- the £12k one I was absolutely heartbroken but when I found out about this £5.5k I was almost numb like I’ve got used to it?! Might be worth noting we lost his mum a few months back after a 4 year battle with cancer which tbh was just brutal and very traumatic near the end ( we both helped with the pallitve care) so don’t know if I’m on auto pilot

For people who have gone through this what are your experiences/thoughts?

Why would he keep lying if it’s not a big deal though?

23.5k is a lot of debt to casually not mention.
If it were car loans, a holiday that was put on the credit card etc then it would be no big deal, but it’s a lot for no particular reason. Especially if he earns well. Especially as debt isn’t as cheap as it was.

If he is well paid, why does he need to take out loans? What is he spending the money on?

The lack of honesty and transparency would really bother me tbh.

Well some of this borrowing was when it was cheap! It’s historic.

I think you need to know what savings and liabilities you both have. Start some better financial planning as a family.

Whether you pay the mortgage or not is irrelevant. You are married! It’s 50:50 of everything as a starting point. This is why you need a joint approach to finance and honesty. These are not huge sums and I assume some have been paid down. Keeping money totally separate means he feels he can do what he wants. He doesn’t feel joint liability. This needs to change so I’d have a “cards on the table” chat because his debts matter to you. This should include what the money is spent on, how it’s to be paid off and a plan for joint expenditure in the future.

I would ask him to see the credit card statements. They will all be online (even if he asked paper copies that he “lost”). The online account will tell you when the card was opened, when spending occurred, and what he has spent money on. It will also set out the payments he has been making.

If claims he doesn’t have an online account I would be highly suspicious and say he needs either needs to set up online access now or ring them and ask for all paper statements to be resent. Until I had this clear information I would t be able to trust anything he says. Sorry 😔

My ex did this, over and over. I discovered too late that's why his two previous relationships ended. He siphoned money away whilst accusing me of being a spendaholic for buying a Cosmopolitan magazine. He was also a cheater and an abuser.

I’d want to know what he’s spent this money on!

So long as your husband pays whatever he is responsible for paying each month, I really don’t think what he owes on a credit card or loan is any of your business. I can’t imagine ever wanting to do a credit check on my husband - it’s beyond intrusive and unreasonable!

However everytime I’ve found out about debt etc he’s reassured me that’s it all gone for me to then find something else out again.

What was his explanation of the £12k and £5.5k debts when they were revealed, since he said that everything was clean once the original £6k was paid off? Did he forget about the other ones, mistakenly think they'd been paid, or is he saying it's a mistake, or fraud, or ...? I'd not be impressed that he'd failed to tell me about ANY substantial debt before we were married, but I'd be even more concerned that he apparently directly lied about the issue (not "just" a lie of omission) and hid the extent of it even after knowing how it negatively impacted you.

Not sure you’ve fully understood how marriage works

He may have a bit of a spending addiction. He's not entirely secretive about it though he doesn't volunteer the information, so perhaps he would agree to talk to a counsellor in that area, maybe with you there? You could tell him that debts worry you and you want to understand what is going on.

I don't think 'forgiving' is the issue.

I think he needs to understand that keeping financial information from you is a major issue and will affect your decisions about how to manage your own money. A marriage is a joint enterprise. You would expect his support and for him to adjust his spending/financial choices if you get made redundant or had a catastophic health event, and the same the other way round. You would expect to agree together how to plan for those things, what savings to build up, what insurance to buy if any. You'd expect to know if he was going to mortgage the house to start a business etc. You need to be able to trust that he is sharing important information like taking on debt with you. See how he reacts to all that.

Frankly I'd wait a couple of years before taking on any joint financial commitments.

Of course it's his wife's business!

That's nearly £24K. That's a lot of money.
I was previously married to an addict (poly addiction - substances and gambling) and a lot of what you describe sounds like my situation.
I can't tell you that's what's going on in your marriage but there are 2 questions that you need answered:

1. What did he spend the money on?

and, more importantly:

2. Why isn't he being open about his loans? Why the secrecy?

If either of those answers don't satisfy you or feel wrong or off in anyway you need to take urgent steps to insulate your finances from him as far as possible.
Even if you are happy with the answers, do not get into any joint finances with him, even a little current account to manage household spending. Something is off with his financial management. The only thing that saved me from complete disaster when exH did finally implode was we had no joint finances.

It points towards gambling so I would end it immediately.

I disagree. My husband and I used to have a joint account for paying bills before we had children, but provided our standing orders went into the account every month, what either of us spent was nothing to do with the other. Once my husband started his own business, I never knew how much he earned or spent and he never knew how much I earned until I became self employed and he started doing my accounts for me. I’ve never looked at one of his personal account bank statements in the 50 years we’ve been together and he’s never looked at mine either. It might be different if one of us didn’t meet our monthly commitments, but there’s never been a time when that’s happened.

Does he have a gambling problem?

What has worked for you in your marriage does not work in everybody's.

OP's H has proven himself not to be financially responsible and OP could potentially find herself being jointly liable for large amounts of debt he has incurred. She has to look after her own interests.

I would definitely keep my finances completely separate.
The continual lying/lying by ommission would be a huge concern.

Thank you, but I think I understand very well, having been very happily married for 45 years, and living with my husband for 4 years before we got married.

It may sound extreme but I’d divorce him, even if we continued to live together.

he has lied numerous times and borrowed money without telling you. Where has that gone £23k is a large amount.

your names on the mortgage but he owns half and can take on debt secured on it. You owe half that money as your married.

divorce now and if you want to stay together keep totally seperated finances and keep him off the mortgage. You can’t trust him an inch

Should correct that then really, haven’t understood how divorce works. Or debts after death, or being married to someone who is an arsehole. Other peoples marriages basically. What works for you won’t work for everyone, and it doesn’t change the legalities of finance in marriage

People can get into debt for all sorts of reasons, and carrying debt can cause shame. However, married or not, when you are with someone and living together, and essentially have decided you want to spend rest of your days with someone - you need to trust each other. We here don’t know the rest of your relationship - which would also put this into context. I’ve had debts in past and in a past relationship I didn’t disclose this to my ex and cleared it myself. It wasn’t the right thing to do but then I was scared of telling him for fear of him judging me. I also had in my 20s an ex who had loads of debts which I helped clear - wouldn’t do that again now. I feel money and how we manage it together in a relationship is important. Money is currency for how we can live our lives. More importantly, now I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’d feel I can’t share the highs and lows - trust & being vulnerable is what builds the deepest intimacy. He has lied to you a few times now. I’d sit down and tell him how you feel. That lying is an issue and for you you want to be an open book with him about money. How you feel is important and should be for him too. He does need to assure you, share with you and talk openly and honestly with you too. Good luck.

The debts can impact the marriage finances though and how you plan things together. Can he afford the holiday? Is he helping to pay for childcare? Can you get the mortgage you want? Or the finance for a car? All well and good if all finance is healthy but debt and loans are another matter in a marriage. As they are in a divorce.

Thank you everyone, we’ve had some discussions and he’s given me access to everything and there was nothing sinister with the spending it seems like old debt before we got together that’s accumulated and he’s been paying the bare minimum off on top of having a child, wedding, holidays, stay over near his parents hospital over the last 3 years and the expenses that come with that, it seems he was trying to hide his previous money situation through embarrassment and it escalated so could only pay the bare minimum so I wouldn’t notice (and in that time we’ve paid for a wedding, holidays, new baby etc). His credit rating is still good, I’ve got access to that now and gone through it all so can see when the loans originated etc anything else like CCJS (which there aren’t) and makes sense to what he’s saying and also I’ll be able to see any new ones etc if there are moving forward, he’s said he’s open to do whatever I feel is best money wise moving forward as a couple to build trust etc. he even mentioned getting his salary paid into my account monthly but I didn’t feel comfortable with that and again like with the last one he will now just pay it off over the next few months. (Bonuses quarterly so the next one will pay it off and will leave us with some disposable still) His credit rating is still good, the fact we actually aren’t effected negatively (we have similar good credit scores ironically the only way mine could get better is getting a credit card as I’ve never had one!) and that he can pay it off and not in secret now so it’s a clean pay off is a positive although I do know this is a lucky situation to be in.

The thing I really need to think about is if I can trust him moving forward as he knows how hurt I was when I found out last time and the fact I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me anything else and he still didn’t tell me then is what hurts the most, it wasn’t great timing as we were in the thick of the final few months of his mum dying whilst we cared for her but now this has come out a few months after she has died so having this on top has just been horrible. Feel like with all of this I’ve been hit by a lorry tbh lol part of me knows people make mistakes but then I don’t want to look back and think why did I ignore the warning signs- apart from this which in a way was ‘pre me’ and I know how he got to that point which tbh could happen to anyone (moved back to his home town for a job opportunity which is an expensive area but then started it and realised it wasn’t what he was told and it closed down within 2 months of him joining but he still had an expensive apartment and outgoings etc and had to start again on lower salary etc etc) he is an amazing husband, son and incredibly devoted father so it does make it difficult.