My husband frequently irritates the hell out of me and it's affecting our relationship!

[Pippapoppa]

Since having a baby (now 18m) I find myself getting irritated by DH very frequently and it's affecting our relationship!

Today i'm feeling very irritated, angry and upset even... I asked him to hang the bibs up that I had put in the washing machine in the morning. He comes to tell me about our savings and investment projections (but he hasn't hung the bibs up). It's frustrating that I have even had to put the bibs in the wash this morning because I was in London for work yesterday and I always leave DD a clean bib and high chair, especially if I know DH is going to be looking after her the following day (usually I feed DD in the evening).

I also got very frustrated that he was talking about hypothetically being able to save / invest even more when we barely have enough to buy DD some second-hand holiday clothes on Vinted. He very frequently talks about how much we'd have at 60, 70, even 90 (?!) if we saved X amount each month. I was quite frustrated about this recurring 'conversation' and just said why don't we plan to retire early or save for a holiday, like a safari for DD or something specific, otherwise it just feels like saving for the sake of it and I am fed up of him talking about saving for the sake of it. I know we are very fortunate to be able to save anything.

It also feels like he talks AT me because he is the one in control of our savings / investments. I resent this because it's a role he's assumed himself, while it feels like I pick up the slack with housework, planning activities for our family in the short-term and it all feels very backwards to me (I have strong feminist values as you've likely gathered). He hasn't planned anything for us to do this year... I asked him to plan something for Easter weekend and he planned nothing much at all (we just went to his parents for lunch), while I try to plan days out that are in our very strict budget because we both WFH full-time and I like to get out the house.

Anyway, it just seems to be a recurring theme where something small boils up into bigger issues like family roles and I am getting pretty sick of it. I suggested online therapy but he said he'd rather do it in person (even though that would be more expensive) and yet he hasn't done any research to find an in-person therapist... it just feels like the onus for everything is always on me and he only has energy for working on his business and finances. Also, I can't bring any of this up because it always goes back to "I am building this business for all of us". AIBU to feel this way?

Whilst we are paid our salaries seperately, we transfer everything into a join account and then he is the one that takes money out and puts it aside into saving / investments in his name.

There is no justifiable reason for your savings to be in his name.

Do you not think he's gloating when he talks at you about finances?
At the money that you and your DD don't have access to?

So you’re married to Mr Tightwad who’s far too busy sorting finances? Someone who’s so important he doesn’t deal with domestic matters and disregards the practical and emotional needs of his family? Are you and your DD merely members of his regimented team? Does he have a megaphone? Does he use said megaphone while standing on a step? Is there a spot light on him?
Take back your money and tell him what’s what. Otherwise….

You have everything to be worried about if you cannot access it especially when living with a man who thinks it's beneath him to hang some bibs up.

Have you seen the annual statements? Do you know how many accounts there are?

There is a word for someone who takes joint money and puts it into their sole name and under their sole control. I get the feeling he’s going to kick up a storm when you say you want your savings back, they’ll probably be a load of excuses about how it’s locked into something.

In the meantime stop putting all your salary into the joint account. He’s controlling you.

In my house we just have jobs and we all do our share of them because we all fucking live here and I'll be damned if I'm going to be treated like a housemaid doing the drudge work while everyone else picks and chooses what they do.

Firstly, the savings and investments need to be in joint names and with equal access. You want your own copies of statements too and an official say in decisions about the money. Right now, he could do anything at all with that money and you'd have very little comeback about it (he's already withholding it from you...)

Secondly, he needs to pull his finger out with regard to housework instead of relying on you to sort it all. He's leaving it because he knows you'll step in. Sort out reasonable expectations about what jobs need doing and that you're both responsible for them with minimal asking (being the "supervisor" who delegates jobs is just another form of mental fucking load). He's capable of managing a business so is therefore capable of managing some basic level adulting.

Sign up for the online counselling, he's had plenty of time to organise face to face and hasn't so tough shit that he'd prefer to do it in person. If he refuses to attend them attend by yourself use it as an opportunity to evaluate the relationship.

I've known a lot of women who've grown sick of their husbands once they've had a baby. It's almost as if the DH has fulfilled his role and the woman has no real use for him any more, therefore he becomes an irritation (like background noise). I do think there's some truth to this. There's nothing like a having a baby to explode any romantic notions or rose tinted spectacles you ever had about your husband.

My DP has/had the idea of pink and blue jobs, as his ex was a SAHM. I've informed him that given he's not actually living here me cooking and cleaning up after him each time he's over (2 to 4 nights a week) isn't equivalent to him maybe offering to do my lawns once every few months.

Your DH probably thinks his planning investments is equivalent to actually doing something more practical like laundry. Dissuade him of that.

If you suggested therapy and he agreed to do it in person, maybe you should just go ahead and book it? He's agreed, and if he won't choose then you can choose one you like the look of.

He sounds quite passive but you also sound a bit demanding. He wants to talk about investing and saving money. You don't. But you do because you want to save up for a safari? There are clearly things you are not that able to meet in the middle about.

I think therapy might help you see each others point of view a bit clearer.
It's not really a case of either of you being wrong I don't think.

@Pippapoppa Whilst we are paid our salaries seperately, we transfer everything into a join account and then he is the one that takes money out and puts it aside into saving / investments in his name. you just lost me right there!!! why the hell are you allowing him to put all the savings into his name alone???? you should be having half put into your name!! especially at this time when your relationship is not looking too solid!!

OP please take note of @MugsyBalonz post - there’s many a mumsnetter who thinks it’s all fine and dandy and then the shit hits the fan and they realise that H has been busily spending on themselves in let’s say ‘various ways’ - and all is not as they thought

i do get what others are saying about it’s good for some sensible planning - and I don’t disagree- but not in my opinion at the expense of a very tight present with a young child focussed on retirement planning - and in his name too!
you may not be together at retirement for various reasons and with a very young child I think there may be other priorities unless of course you are both on board with this ‘let’s have a very tight 30s, up to 50s ‘ and struggle somewhat with basics. If you are both on board with that then fair enough but doesn’t sound to me as if you are - I would personally find it somewhat depressing at the point you are in peak health and should be at least having some fun times with a young child.

i would personally tell him you aren’t on board with this - ease off somewhat and you want statements and accounts in joint names( or split)

‘Split money that is’ not split marriage - although that’s an option of course if he continues on his course of saving up at your expense

It is a red flag 🚩.
Do you both sit down and go through the portfolio together? Decide what to invest in together? Some people when they invest get addicted to it in a way that isn't healthy. Not saying he is but he sounds obsessed with it.

I had a father like this and as children, we lived in what could be described as 'poverty' today. My mother had no say. Meanwhile he was amassing thousands and thousands like a hoarder but with no end purpose in mind. Decades later a whacking big chunk ended up going in IHT

Maybe this is the real reason you're irritated with him and the getting annoyed about bibs and things is just a distraction (in your brain).

One thing to consider is that should anything happen to your husband that is death you will not have any immediate access to this money. Until Grant of probate or Letters of Administration are granted depending if there is a will or not.

Withhold your salary from the joint account so you can buy things for yourself and your baby now.

Request full transparency and access to what he has been doing with your salary - you not knowing where it is is a terrible oversight that could cost you dearly.

Have you sat him down and told him what you've written in this post?

Misses the point but wipeable bibs are easier and don't need washing.

Just to clarify is he putting too much into savings that’s it’s forcing you to rely on credit cards to buy your necessities?

Wtf?

Not the point though is it. He's just as able as her to plan or hang out fucking bibs without a step by step guide 🙄

I’m sorry but this is certainly an issue. If he dies how easy will it be for you to know where it all is? How to access it?

Secondly, I’ve seen multiple threads where people have said their husband has spent their savings or got out loans to cover costs that they’d been unaware of and the majority of people were telling the OP it’s your own fault for letting him take responsibility for finances. He’s just done what he needed to do to look after family.

Then there’s always the risk of gambling addiction. Or your not getting on and he decides to start hiding assets for when he leaves you. You need to get your name and eyes on all of those savings

You realisei this is how women end up doing everything, right?

Because someone else doesn't see what needs to be done, doesn't consider it his role to do the little details that keep the home ticking over, or they flat out feel entitled to the labour and energy of a woman, or believe women truly enjoy the tasks they feel are beneath them or can't be bothered prioritising.

THIS

@Pippapoppawhat you're experiencing is financial abuse and you stand to be shafted if the relationship goes tits up.

I think immediately stop putting all your salary in a joint account - put in you share of the bills and keep the rest for your own savings. Do this until you have full sight and input into spending/budgets/savings and the existing savings are put into your own name.

This is more worrying than the not washing the bibs.