My husband frequently irritates the hell out of me and it's affecting our relationship!

[Pippapoppa]

Since having a baby (now 18m) I find myself getting irritated by DH very frequently and it's affecting our relationship!

Today i'm feeling very irritated, angry and upset even... I asked him to hang the bibs up that I had put in the washing machine in the morning. He comes to tell me about our savings and investment projections (but he hasn't hung the bibs up). It's frustrating that I have even had to put the bibs in the wash this morning because I was in London for work yesterday and I always leave DD a clean bib and high chair, especially if I know DH is going to be looking after her the following day (usually I feed DD in the evening).

I also got very frustrated that he was talking about hypothetically being able to save / invest even more when we barely have enough to buy DD some second-hand holiday clothes on Vinted. He very frequently talks about how much we'd have at 60, 70, even 90 (?!) if we saved X amount each month. I was quite frustrated about this recurring 'conversation' and just said why don't we plan to retire early or save for a holiday, like a safari for DD or something specific, otherwise it just feels like saving for the sake of it and I am fed up of him talking about saving for the sake of it. I know we are very fortunate to be able to save anything.

It also feels like he talks AT me because he is the one in control of our savings / investments. I resent this because it's a role he's assumed himself, while it feels like I pick up the slack with housework, planning activities for our family in the short-term and it all feels very backwards to me (I have strong feminist values as you've likely gathered). He hasn't planned anything for us to do this year... I asked him to plan something for Easter weekend and he planned nothing much at all (we just went to his parents for lunch), while I try to plan days out that are in our very strict budget because we both WFH full-time and I like to get out the house.

Anyway, it just seems to be a recurring theme where something small boils up into bigger issues like family roles and I am getting pretty sick of it. I suggested online therapy but he said he'd rather do it in person (even though that would be more expensive) and yet he hasn't done any research to find an in-person therapist... it just feels like the onus for everything is always on me and he only has energy for working on his business and finances. Also, I can't bring any of this up because it always goes back to "I am building this business for all of us". AIBU to feel this way?

If I was him, I wouldn't do what you told me to either.

I asked him

Same, same

The trick is to have assigned jobs: you put the wash on so you’re responsible for hanging it up. Or he puts the wash on and hangs up and puts away. Sit down with him, make a list of all the household tasks together – laundry is one but so is retirement planning! – agree on the standards for each (washing always gets hung up not left in the machine to rot; X% of salaries goes to investments and these are looked at every quarter, or whatever), and agree who does what. Voila! You each take care of your tasks and update each other once a week with any major problems or changes. It’s called Fair Play and there’s a book.

What on earth is the problem with her asking him to hang up some bibs?

Thanks! Yea, I definitely think that sitting down and agreeing on tasks would be useful. The bib thing being an example... i.e. if you feed DD, please also clean up after and make sure everything is ready for the next meal so that it's easier for the other person. It's frustrating having to specify such small things, but necessary 😅

Same as the Easter planning. If she's going to get moody with the result, that makes it a demand. Also, it's pretty much as quick to get them out as to tell someone else to do it.

Also, buying this book now! Thanks again

Easter planning was “go to my mums house” That’s a poor show.

It might be just as quick, but when you have 20 other things to do, it doesn’t matter how quick it is.

You might be grateful for crumbs, others expect more of a partnership.

If you are happy in a relationship where your OH doesn't put any effort into making plans outside of work, then fine. Just sounds like being a PA to me and I already have a full-time job 😂

I'm grateful that myself and my partner don't tell each other what to do, with punishment moodiness for transgressions.

When you say that 'we barely have enough to buy DD some second-hand holiday clothes on Vinted' does that mean he is putting so much into savings that you don't have enough available money for your everyday needs? I'd be cross if my baby was going without essential stuff so that my DH could retire early.

How do you manage your finances? Is everything joint or do you have your own accounts? He seems to choose to only take responsibility for tasks that he enjoys, leaving you to pick up the rest.

IMO, we are putting too much into savings if we really have to be careful on what we are spending. E.g. this month we've not been frivilous with our spending and have only bought necessities, yet we're at the end of the month and going away soon and have to "be careful" for the rest of the month, so I choose to ether get her clothes on Vinted of put it on my credit card and pay it off next month. She doesn't go without anything, don't get me wrong, she is a very lucky girl but I just feel we are too careful with money sometimes. Everything is joint. Whilst we are paid our salaries seperately, we transfer everything into a join account and then he is the one that takes money out and puts it aside into saving / investments in his name.

Why are all the savings/investment accounts in his name? Surely they should be joint? Do you have access to them? That rings alarm bells for me.

Well you either have a relationship that is fair and equal or you are happy in an unequal relationship... each to their own but you should understand and respect that the majority of people (these days) value healthy balance in relationships.

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Is he the type to have particular obsessions, OP? Or areas of interest? And his latest one is savings and investments and he gets so tied up in thinking about that that he can't spare the mental space to do ordinary jobs?

Sounds a bit like my ADHD XH, who wouldn't think to put dinner in the oven (even if left ready) or put a load of washing on first so it was ready to hang out later, but could tell you all the ins and outs of the new computer he was buying.

My upbringing has programmed me to see this as a red flag but I don't think it's anything to worry about. I would personally prefer if we each had half the savings / investments each though, so that I could also have visibility on how it's performing at least.

100% agree with you

That does sound awfully familiar... I do get frustrated with him a lot because he doesn't seem to think ahead when it comes to everyday tasks. To me, it seems like he doesn't think of others as much as I do, the bib thing being an example but there are so many things like leaving an empty bag of catfood on the floor, not putting the laundry basket back after loading the washing machine (it just ends up living in the kitchen if I don't put it back), and (worst of all) not cleaning the toilet after himself. I don't know if it's ADHD or just plain laziness / carelessness. Either way it all irritates the crap out of me!

We have blue jobs and pink jobs in this house - it saves an awful lot of strife.

Half of the savings/investments are your money so of course you should either have half of them in your name and half in his, or all of them in joint names.

You might not think this is anything to worry about now, but things could change.

Let me guess, pink jobs are the every day all the fucking time monotonous shit that never ends like shopping, cooking, present buying, washing, dishwasher, admin... and blue jobs are mow the lawn every month and take bins out weekly.

I have a similar husband .. he always looked after money.

Mortgage was paid off when I was 50, he’s slightly older than me and retired in his late 50s (I still work and am quite happy), we are never worried when something needs doing in the house, or we get a suprise bill, as the money is there. I never worry about money, I have complete peace of mind.

I would take a man with good financial acumen over anything.

and just to mention, now he’s retired all the house stuff is down to him.

You should not allow your husband to control your savings. He clearly has different priorities to you and he’s showing signs of financial coercion. You need full financial transparency and to be responsible for your own savings.