Don’t know where to look when they’re talking about the wedding

[Msstayhome]

My partner of 1 year is going to a family wedding in Greece later in the year. I wasn’t invited as I hadn’t met the B&G at the time the invites came out. They live in Greece.

All of his friends and family seem to be going, and all his friends are going with their partners, and they talk about it whenever we meet and I’m finding it borderline embarrassing to sit in silence through these conversations as the only person excluded from the plans.

We’re meeting up with them all again this weekend and I’m dreading the awkwardness. Totally understand I’m the newest to the group and therefore not invited but it’s so uncomfortable sitting there while they discuss who’s staying where, what other plans they have while they’re there and what flights they’re all on.

I don’t think anyone’s being intentionally rude. Perhaps I’m just socially awkward? But I find it really uncomfortable.

Did he not have a plus one invite?

I hear you. And I don’t think you are socially awkward at all. It’s very natural that they will want to talk about it. But it’s actually quite rude of them if it becomes a long conversation (although understandable as they are looking forward to it).

unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do apart from suck it up. Maybe excuse yourself to the kitchen and put the kettle on?

It’s like you’re not really one of them yet so it’s completely understandable you feel left out and maybe a bit embarrasse da, even though you have done nothing wrong and the reason you are being excluded is legitimate. I’d probably show a interest if they are talking about things you can have a opinion on like food etc but also you can walk away/look at your phone if you can’t join in the conversation. Have you mentioned to bf how you feel? He could maybe talk to you if he’s away your feeling left out.

Be pleased you aren't going. The number of threads on the forum on weddings abroad, the cost, and falling out. Keep your annual leave for something for you and your partner and leave the drama (which there will be) to others

Enjoy your new relationship.

Apparently not!

That is sad for you

Would you go if you were invited at the last minute?

If yes it would be helpful if your partner communicated it to a relative of the couple.

I don't know why you'd feel awkward. You weren't snubbed! It's a new relationship so everyone knows why you weren't on the guest list. Just roll with it, be excited and interested in their plans, don't be a moody misery. Or avoid group meet ups now until after the wedding.

I think you're being a bit pathetic tbh.
You are choosing to sit in silence to make a point you're not invited.byou weren't invited because you didn't exist to them at the time the invites went out!
If it were me, I would still talk about it with them all. You are able to hold a conversation about things you're not doing, you know?

Exactly!

I think it’s understandable to respond the way you have, but it’s still not the best way to deal with it.

You’re new to this groups so you have some leg work to do. This has made you feel left out, but it’s also an opportunity. A shared subject they are all going to be talking about that you can structure some questions around to get know them better and get stories of their shared history. take the opportunity to ask them what they think it will be like. Who will flake before the party gets started? What crazy antics are they anticipating? What are their connections to Greece? Have any of them been to visit before? What are they most looking forward to? Probe.
Even if you’re feeling left out or jealous, ask questions. Be interested in this thing that excites and unites them.

They’re also going to come back from the wedding with more stories and shared history that you’ll need to sit through. So much better to do if you can say things along the lines of “So did James run down the street honking like a goose as you predicted?”

I’m not suggesting it doesn’t kind of suck. Just saying you can’t change it, so make the best of it.

I think you're being a bit of a baby here.

There's nothing to feel awkward about at all. As pp says, be interested, ask questions. Just because you aren't going, doesn't mean you have to act like a petulant child 'im not going so I'm not going to engage in conversation about it's

This is a nice suggestion (and the other PPs that said the same!).

I wasn’t being intentionally moody about it. Just self conscious that if I got involved in the conversation it might look a bit odd. Or making them feel awkward given they know I’m not invited.

I also felt rather self conscious that someone may have assumed I WAS invited and I’d have to explain that I wasn’t, and then they’d feel bad.

I think you're probably thinking and worrying about it more than anyone else. I think had you been together a year when he was invited then it would be different. In your shoes I'd just show interest and try to be excited for my partner having a nice time but be planning our own holiday for when they're back.

Maybe skip the next social and meet up with your own friends.

I think you're overthinking this. The wedding will soon be here and in the past. I personally think if the invites had gone out and you hadn't even met them, then it's unreasonable to be worried about how it might look.

At the start of my relationship I went to plenty of weddings I've been invited to where my partner wasn't invited as he didn't know the B&G, or just came to the evening. He didn't mind and neither did I. Similarly friends who are in newer relationships haven't always had their partner invited and that's been fine.

Honestly I don't think you have anything to be self conscious about and if you do have to clarify it, it's just a fact and just shrug it off and hope they have a lovely time?

Exactly. When they talk about it ask what they're are most excited to do.
"Do you guys have plans outside of the wedding? Who likes to go for a swim, do you guys like greek food? What's yours favourite Greek dish? Who is looking forward to the flight, any nervous flyers?"

Be interested and excited for them like you would your own friends going on holiday...not jealous and awkward.

I don’t understand what’s to feel awkward about.

There are lots of plans I’m not invited to or another person isn’t invited to and you sit there and ask questions or give suggestions when appropriate.

If you’re really worried about it just not go to this meet up.

Are you thinking that he's actually taking someone else to the wedding or that there's more to this and he's lying about her not being. Invited?

Can’t you go with him to Greece but not attend the wedding?

I think you go with the polite and accepting it wasn't deliberately to exclude route.

To help, could you plan your own time while they're away? A lovely trip, or even days/meals out? I am often excluded as being the non drinker / non party type who doesn't quite 'fit'. I find having my own plans makes it sting less & I don't feel that empty void of sitting home alone, thinking no one gives a hoot about me if I've got things to do & people to do them with.

It isn’t rude to not invite you. But I agree with you it is rude for everyone to keep going on and on about something where one of the people in the conversation can’t contribute.

Don't go to the meet up. Just tell your bf everyone will be talking about this wedding you're not invited to so it would just feel awkward. Don't make a big deal out of it, just decline, explain why and make other plans.

This all seems so unnecessary - especially if it’s a family wedding and you are now in a pretty established relationship. Can your DP - or someone on his behalf - not ask the family member if you can join in? We met up with some (long standing) friends last weekend and ended up reminiscing about how the first time we met the wife of the couple was at our wedding. And that was a similar scenario to the one you describe; hadn’t realised at the time we invited people that John had a new girlfriend. And then it became clear it was serious and there was a (to be fair, probably slightly awkward conversation for him) chat with his brother along the lines of “you do know about John’s new girlfriend and he’s wondering if he could bring her….?” And I said that was no problem and wrote a little note to John saying we’d be delighted if he could bring Julia and we’d look forward to meeting her. And yes, that meant we had someone “new” at our wedding, but that really cemented our friendship with John. Because the new girlfriend ended up becoming his wife and mother of his children. And, to them, we were the first people who’d welcomed them as a couple. And I’ve noticed that now, 20 years on, they’re always the people who are prepared to drive a long way for our events or put themselves out for us. And I do wonder whether, if we’d said “no, sorry, haven’t met her” whether that might have set a negative tone and the friendship might not have gone on in such a positive way. In the way that, for you, the bride and groom will always be the relatives who made you feel a bit awkward and left out.

You're over thinking but that's understandable when you're quite new and trying to avoid awkwardness and probably make a good impression. But you can join in with some of the chat, I've chatted about weddings I'm not invited to with friends, family etc and just asked about the venue, the dress, honeymoon plans etc etc. That then often leads to a chat about travelling or other things, and if it doesn't then you've still been involved in the conversation.

They should also read the room and not exclusively chat about that when you're round, can you boyfriend not divert the chat a bit?

I would just show an interest, ask polite questions and smile and nod a lot as they share plans. Make small talk the way you would with anyone else talking about their wedding plans. It’s not really something you need to feel awkward over.