My lovely colleague is making me so frustrated

[thenarnianna]

To the point that I am googling stuff about anger problems and wondering if I have them.

I am a teacher and she is one of my TAs since last September. It feels like she thinks she is the second teacher.

She interrupts me when I'm teaching to make comments about things or children's behaviour.
She interrupts me when I'm managing behaviour eg. I'm purposely waiting for quiet and she starts announcing it to everyone that I'm waiting for quiet and poor me having to wait.
She wants to be in a constant dialogue with me throughout the day. As in, she makes comments about random stuff (like, a child's hair is messy, or it's started raining, or she wants to make a joke about something) constantly and if I don't reply (because I'm focusing on my lesson) she will repeat it until I acknowledge her.
She asks questions all the time about random non-related stuff during lessons ("should we tie so and so's hair up? Should we get the children to wash their hands before this? Do you think so and so will retire soon? Do you think so and so will go to a special school?)
She likes to tell/suggest me things all the time eg. " I really think we should do this'" "I really think you should move that" "I really think so and so should have more interventions".
She disappears sometimes during lessons - then I'll find out she had to go and do "an important job" for someone else...
She goes to the headteacher all the time, often during lessons, about stuff she wants to check (usually things I've said or done, eg. Putting a plaster on someone's knee, she say she must go and check with the headteacher that we don't need to do anything else - rubbish example but basically acts like she has no confidence in anything I do and wants to check everything! I worry the headteacher thinks I'm sending her myself and that I don't know how to do anything!)
She has gone to my line manager about stuff I do that she personally disagrees with (eg having a certain child in a different group, or a certain task I want a group to do) that I have already told her how I want doing.
A few times when I have instructed her to do something in front of the class, she goes "oh but..." and says she wants to do something different or in a different way. Then I repeat the instruction because I actually really need her to do it, and she repeats "oh but..."

I could go on and on. She is honestly a lovely lady and has never said anything mean or bad, but it's like having two teachers in the classroom and I am so done. I come home every day frustrated. I have worked with many TAs and none of them have been like this! They have never questioned me or go against what I say. They don't need constant reassurance or be in dialogue with me throughout lessons.

I feel I can't say anything to her because she's struggling at home at the moment and I think it would tip her over the edge.

Please tell me all this would annoy you too and I'm not being unfair...?

I’d speak to your head about her undermining you and how frustrating you find it , perhaps say you have a personality clash and aren’t working well together .

You need to perfect a death stare.

Is this a mum and this is her first job after having kids? Is she over excited about being around some adults?

Speak to her line manager. She is totally undermining you.

I had a TA like this, it was awful. Mind you, she was not lovely as mitigation! I definitely don't think you're being unfair; I know what it feels like. Actually, I don't think she is lovely. I think she's undermining you and hindering you from doing your job properly. Can you speak privately to the head and ask that you don't work together next year? You don't have to complain, just say something fuzzy about working styles and how you think she'd be happier with someone else.
I really do sympathise. It sounds so familiar, and in my case turned into quite bad bullying. Thankfully she's left now!

Think you are being far, far too nice and accommodating to this woman. She may be doing it in a nice way but undermining you in front of the children isn’t on and gossiping about staff and children is downright unprofessional.

I’d suggest your interactions with her become as curt and polite as possible, shut down any chit chat and reiterate your instructions almost like you would with the children. Ultimately though your line manager needs to step up. Speak to them with the facts and keep personal feelings out of it.

You are definitely not being unfair!

You need to have a conversation with this person

If course you need to speak to the head otherwise nothing will change. It sounds like rather than being an assistant she's a hindrance.

Ok, replies so far are VERY reassuring. Thank you!!! There are only about 10 weeks left until the end of term and i won't be working with her next year thank God, so it doesn't seem worth saying anything now. But I will ask to not work with her again.

Sorry to drip feed but she used to be in a position of authority in another childcare workplace.... Sorry that's vague but I don't want to out myself! However she has no teaching qualifications and this is her second year of being a TA. And she's 10 years older than me.

YANBU. I think you've let it go on for too long. Time to reclaim your classroom. She is meant to be a professional so should be able to handle truthful feedback. Do it via the head teacher or her supervisor so nothing gets lost in translation.

If you’re willing to put up with her then maybe use the time to come up with expectations for the next TA you work with? Not sure how the system works, but I’m hoping you get some say with your classroom expectations. It may be best to get them out early from now on.

otherwise no you aren’t being unreasonable.

It's so hard because I do genuinely believe she is a nice person, but she cannot stop chatting and being involved in everything.

I keep my interactions as short as possible, but then I worry that she'll be telling people I'm rude or unfriendly.

I just wish she would understand that the classroom is a workplace and we have a job to do.

You say you won't be working with her next year, but that might not happen. Things change.

Do something about it now.

Speak to her first so she has time to change, then go to her LM/the head if she doesn't.

Ten weeks is a long time to feel like this. Honestly speak to the head about it. I don’t think she’s lovely either and I’d probably call her out if she didn’t do what I asked of her and she started with yes but. All you need to do is raise your voice slightly and speak over her with I’ve asked you to do xyz, we can discuss why later. She’s undermining you at work, that’s not a lovely person trait.

I had a TA like this and you deserve a medal for your patience.

my solution was a week of hard work and extra time but it did work.

I wrote really detailed lesson plans and put in her role (in red ink), detailing exactly what I wanted her to do. I spent 20 minutes going through it all with her, before the lesson and asking if she understood. I also did a session with her at the end of the day to go over how the day went.

She completely ignored everything first time and did her own thing so during feedback, I explained the consequences of her not doing what I wanted. Student disruption, less learning, time wasting etc.

I wasn’t unkind, stating everything from the student perspective, stressing that as a team, that they would benefit. Being a TA isn’t easy and sometimes if they are older or more used to being in charge, they can overstep, not intentionally but you are the teacher.

it took a couple of weeks and a couple of moments of defiance from her but she began to get my thinking and could see, giving me examples in the feedback, of when the lesson was smoother.

The class was much better and when she went to another class, she was complimented on how helpful she was.

it might not work out, but it’s worth a try. If not, talk to the head, explaining how you have tried to support her and suggest she needs proper training as a HLTA. Good luck.

death stares and curt replies during the lesson might just make her work harder to engage with you.

I think you need to have a separate conversation with her, not in a lesson. you can say something like

• this might not be easy, but I need to give you some feedback to make the classroom run smoothly.
• you might not realise, but when you interrupt me during the class, I think it makes it harder for the children to settle and listen. Can you remain quiet during ... activities ...
• I appreciate your enthusiasm but I'm trying to keep a calm classroom for the kids with just one thing for them to focus on and fewer distractions.

something like that might help her realise what is wrong.

Speak to the Head...you could end up with her next year. Or someone else could and they'll be in exactly the same position.
TAs are underpaid and invaluable but that doesn't stop the odd one being an absolute hindrance...been there and it's so annoying.

OP it's a really hard conversation to have! I think many of us as teachers have been there.

Have you actually addressed her behaviour with her? Have you said "back then, you interrupted me which disrupted the lesson. Please don't do that again; you can raise issues with me after class if you need to because it disrupts the lesson." For the questions, give her a five minute debrief slot at the end of the day and start saying "we don't need to discuss that" if she raises inappropriate issues. And "when I give you an instruction, I need you to follow it or the lesson is derailed."

If you've done this and she's not improving, go up your line management.

It would drive me round the bend. If you don’t feel you can discuss it with her, could you just say "No" very shortly every time she asks you something or suggests something?

Ideally you need your or her team leader/manager to come to observe a lesson and see her at it. Does she have an annual appraisal? If so her manager should be asking you for feedback on her performance.

You need to have this dealt with now. Can you arrange a meeting with her line manager, you and her to go through what you’ve said? It is unworkable for you and she is not doing her job properly.
Does she have performance management reviews? She should be and these issues should be tackled as targets.

I had an older male TA who would do this with me. I was a secondary HoD...

I dealt with it by saying "Thank you Mr X..." and then redirecting - but he was a complete pain in the arse.

Just to point out, OP, that going to the head teacher over your head is NOT 'being a lovely lady', at all. I think you need to look at your boundaries.

She's undermining you in every possible way she could. Just because she seems to care about the kids and does all this in a nice sing-song voice does not mean she doesn't have negative intent towards you.

At best it's hugely unprofessional and shows an inability to accept the chain of command and she needs that pointing out before next year.

Have you addressed this with her, her line manager or the head? What happened when she went to her line manager about you? Her undermining you in the classroom diminishes your position and authority with the children so this needs to be addressed even if you don't work together next year

Please tell me all this would annoy you too and I'm not being unfair...?

I have no words of advice for you but to answer this question, hell yes. I had a TA like this a few years ago and she drove me insane. I would sometimes cry with frustration. She would always be in my classroom from 8am as well and I’d be trying to work/get bits done and she would chat chat chat. Oh god I feel shivers just thinking about how awful those couple of years were, so I feel your pain hugely. Similarly she would often undermine me, pipe up in class, once she refused to do a display because she didn’t like the content (even though it was our current history topic and needed bloody doing). I remember once being particularly riled on a school trip when I asked the children to start gathering around and she suggested to me that we do a head count…as if I wouldn’t have thought of that! Just here really to say I am with you, it is tough!