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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My lovely colleague is making me so frustrated

80 replies

thenarnianna · 24/04/2025 22:07

To the point that I am googling stuff about anger problems and wondering if I have them.

I am a teacher and she is one of my TAs since last September. It feels like she thinks she is the second teacher.

She interrupts me when I'm teaching to make comments about things or children's behaviour.
She interrupts me when I'm managing behaviour eg. I'm purposely waiting for quiet and she starts announcing it to everyone that I'm waiting for quiet and poor me having to wait.
She wants to be in a constant dialogue with me throughout the day. As in, she makes comments about random stuff (like, a child's hair is messy, or it's started raining, or she wants to make a joke about something) constantly and if I don't reply (because I'm focusing on my lesson) she will repeat it until I acknowledge her.
She asks questions all the time about random non-related stuff during lessons ("should we tie so and so's hair up? Should we get the children to wash their hands before this? Do you think so and so will retire soon? Do you think so and so will go to a special school?)
She likes to tell/suggest me things all the time eg. " I really think we should do this'" "I really think you should move that" "I really think so and so should have more interventions".
She disappears sometimes during lessons - then I'll find out she had to go and do "an important job" for someone else...
She goes to the headteacher all the time, often during lessons, about stuff she wants to check (usually things I've said or done, eg. Putting a plaster on someone's knee, she say she must go and check with the headteacher that we don't need to do anything else - rubbish example but basically acts like she has no confidence in anything I do and wants to check everything! I worry the headteacher thinks I'm sending her myself and that I don't know how to do anything!)
She has gone to my line manager about stuff I do that she personally disagrees with (eg having a certain child in a different group, or a certain task I want a group to do) that I have already told her how I want doing.
A few times when I have instructed her to do something in front of the class, she goes "oh but..." and says she wants to do something different or in a different way. Then I repeat the instruction because I actually really need her to do it, and she repeats "oh but..."

I could go on and on. She is honestly a lovely lady and has never said anything mean or bad, but it's like having two teachers in the classroom and I am so done. I come home every day frustrated. I have worked with many TAs and none of them have been like this! They have never questioned me or go against what I say. They don't need constant reassurance or be in dialogue with me throughout lessons.

I feel I can't say anything to her because she's struggling at home at the moment and I think it would tip her over the edge.

Please tell me all this would annoy you too and I'm not being unfair...?

OP posts:
OneMintWasp · 24/04/2025 23:20

Some people are very good at being lovely to your face , do not be fooled!

BlackCatsForever · 24/04/2025 23:48

Nothing you’ve described here sounds lovely!

AnneShirley18 · 24/04/2025 23:54

Oh I've been here. I was new to a school amd so desperate to have a friend or ally that I prioritised this over establishing a professional working relationship. I learnt the hard way that a good TA-teacher relationship begins with boundaries. You set out what you want clearly and professionally from the start. If approproate, it can blossom to a friendship but the boundaries must remain. You will always be the leader and everyone needs to be comfortable with that dynamic. I often found that tricky as TAs were invariably older or had been there longer at the start of my career.I Ithink it is too late to hit the reset button this academic year. I would go to SLT With next year in mind. Show you're a reflective practitioner and take responsibility but all the while get across what her flaws/idiosyncrasies have been so they're on record.

JustSawJohnny · 24/04/2025 23:56

Some people just don't work well together and that's OK.

I agree that you should speak to someone in SLT and request that she not be placed in your room next year. Be clear that your working relationship is having a negative affect on you and actively causing you stress and anxiety.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare. I only ever had one TA I didn't like working with but luckily I taught in secondary so I could manage a couple of hours a week. I often wonder how primary staff manage the same class of kids every day, week in week out, never mind support staff!

AnneShirley18 · 24/04/2025 23:56

With a view to having a new TA next year.

DazedAndConfused321 · 25/04/2025 00:01

If there's only 10 weeks left of her then you have nothing to lose.
When she suggests you do something differently say "I'm very confident in my decision" "This is my final decision" "I'm happy with X as it is, I don't think we need to adjust anything"

When she interrupts you waiting for silence, or teaching, an exasperated "Yes, thank you Mrs XYZ. Anyway back to what I was saying" every time might just force her to get the hint.

Or just bring it back to the children- remind her you're trained to deal with children with additional needs, different behavioural problems and general student management and it's in the childrens best interests that you enforce behaviour expectations, not her.

When she says she's off to check something with the head, tell her there's no need, you know what you're doing.

It sounds like she's doing too much and trying to become you. Maybe if she's worked in a nursery setting she's used to multiple equal staff dealing with the children, and hasn't quite worked out how different school is.

Cut your losses and save your sanity, be firm and remind her she's there to do her role, not yours.

And definitely mention to her line manager that she's not working as effectively as you need her to- they might observe you both and have some helpful advice for her. And speak to the head about the constant visits from her, make it clear you're not needing that assistance and that she's leaving the room constantly when you need her to do her job.

OneFineDay13 · 25/04/2025 00:06

She sounds like an utter pain in the arse and I would have said something long before now. Find your voice OP so she doesn't do it to the person after you

Fraaances · 25/04/2025 00:08

This woman wouldn’t hesitate to cut your legs out from under you. She’s not lovely. She’s passive aggressive af!

ForFunGoose · 25/04/2025 00:09

I am a TA and work with a TA who is exactly like this! She drives me cracked, I take my breaks in my car to avoid her.
I have tried strategies to communicate she is too ‘main character’ in the classroom but it’s not working .

You have my sympathies.

healthybychristmas · 25/04/2025 00:11

I would be absolutely livid about her running off to the headteacher, both If I were you and the headteacher. She's absolutely wasting everyone's time and showing she doesn't trust you at all. I think that is up to the headteacher to pull her up on this.

I am really shocked that she's talking about children going to special school when she is in the class with those children. That's a huge infringement on that child's privacy.

OriginalUsername2 · 25/04/2025 00:13

She goes to your headteacher and line manager about you all the time. Do the same, just once, in a professional manner and outline these problems. It doesn’t matter what she’s got going on at home, work is work.

Anjcat7 · 25/04/2025 00:21

You’re far too nice! Even reading what she does irritated me so I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to face this every working day. You deserve a medal! I would literally dread going to work if I had to put up with that kind of behaviour- you need to address it now as others have said what if things change and you end up having to work with her next term?

Graphite6 · 25/04/2025 00:28

She doesn’t sound lovely. She sounds like a massive pain in the arse. She also went behind your back and complained to your line manager - ugh!!!

surreygirl1987 · 25/04/2025 00:33

thestudio · 24/04/2025 23:01

Just to point out, OP, that going to the head teacher over your head is NOT 'being a lovely lady', at all. I think you need to look at your boundaries.

She's undermining you in every possible way she could. Just because she seems to care about the kids and does all this in a nice sing-song voice does not mean she doesn't have negative intent towards you.

At best it's hugely unprofessional and shows an inability to accept the chain of command and she needs that pointing out before next year.

Edited

Absolutely! She doesn't sound lovely at all! I'm a teacher too and this sounds hellish!

nocoolnamesleft · 25/04/2025 00:39

It is not lovely to so persistently and incessantly undermine you.

anotherside · 25/04/2025 01:27

Why don’t you just talk to her? “You’re input is great and I really value your work but I’d rather if you didn’t ….” That’ll either knock it on the head, or it won’t in which case you go to the head and make it clear that you cannot work together again in future. Her job is to support your lessons, not to be a pain in the ass.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/04/2025 01:53

She would drive me nuts too.
Can you send her to another class.
You'll have to talk to her as awkward as it is, she needs to understand her role.
I doubt it'll be the first time she heard it.

Tiredofallthis101 · 25/04/2025 02:53

I think YABU, not for being annoyed but for not addressing it. I can understand you don't want to undermine her in turn in the moment, but speak to her at the end of the day and set out clear expectations.

user1492757084 · 25/04/2025 03:09

You are right to ask not to be allocated this TA again; you are not compatible.

Talk to the headteacher. Ask whether this woman could be sponsered to work part time and train for a qualification by distance education at the same time. She could easily able upgrade her role and work on her own with small groups for literacy for example.. She might be perfect in a library assisting children who are all working on their own research and projects.

Talk to the TA about how YOU FEEL when she does certain specific things and ask that she stays silent and watches and trys your ideas for a few days before offering any opinions - which are always welcome at the end of the day. Set up a comments box for her to write down any issues and post into a box. Look through them together at the end of the day. Just having her writing constructive comments rather than interupting you would be an improvement.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/04/2025 03:11

Teacher of 40 years and even one if those things would drive me mad. She has some cheek going to the head about your decisions. That alone would make me want to leave in case l ever had to work with her again. I couldn't even be around her not to talk of being in a classroom with her. Is the Head listening and encouraging her..l hope now.
Definitely ask her not to interrupt your lesson as its not fair to the children..surely she can see that or else she is clueless . We expect the children not to interrupt so expecting her not to interrupt is fairly basic stuff. I have a friend who was accused of bullying when she tried to put some pretty normal procedures in place so l recognise its not easy but this has to stop. She needs training or this will continue.
The constant speaking out randomly in the middle of a class makes me wonder about ADHD as even a teenager coming into your class for one day would have more cop than that.

Emonade · 25/04/2025 03:18

thenarnianna · 24/04/2025 22:07

To the point that I am googling stuff about anger problems and wondering if I have them.

I am a teacher and she is one of my TAs since last September. It feels like she thinks she is the second teacher.

She interrupts me when I'm teaching to make comments about things or children's behaviour.
She interrupts me when I'm managing behaviour eg. I'm purposely waiting for quiet and she starts announcing it to everyone that I'm waiting for quiet and poor me having to wait.
She wants to be in a constant dialogue with me throughout the day. As in, she makes comments about random stuff (like, a child's hair is messy, or it's started raining, or she wants to make a joke about something) constantly and if I don't reply (because I'm focusing on my lesson) she will repeat it until I acknowledge her.
She asks questions all the time about random non-related stuff during lessons ("should we tie so and so's hair up? Should we get the children to wash their hands before this? Do you think so and so will retire soon? Do you think so and so will go to a special school?)
She likes to tell/suggest me things all the time eg. " I really think we should do this'" "I really think you should move that" "I really think so and so should have more interventions".
She disappears sometimes during lessons - then I'll find out she had to go and do "an important job" for someone else...
She goes to the headteacher all the time, often during lessons, about stuff she wants to check (usually things I've said or done, eg. Putting a plaster on someone's knee, she say she must go and check with the headteacher that we don't need to do anything else - rubbish example but basically acts like she has no confidence in anything I do and wants to check everything! I worry the headteacher thinks I'm sending her myself and that I don't know how to do anything!)
She has gone to my line manager about stuff I do that she personally disagrees with (eg having a certain child in a different group, or a certain task I want a group to do) that I have already told her how I want doing.
A few times when I have instructed her to do something in front of the class, she goes "oh but..." and says she wants to do something different or in a different way. Then I repeat the instruction because I actually really need her to do it, and she repeats "oh but..."

I could go on and on. She is honestly a lovely lady and has never said anything mean or bad, but it's like having two teachers in the classroom and I am so done. I come home every day frustrated. I have worked with many TAs and none of them have been like this! They have never questioned me or go against what I say. They don't need constant reassurance or be in dialogue with me throughout lessons.

I feel I can't say anything to her because she's struggling at home at the moment and I think it would tip her over the edge.

Please tell me all this would annoy you too and I'm not being unfair...?

It would drive me mad and make me hate my job. Ive had a TA similar to this and it made me miserable. Speak to your head of year/head teacher about it. Also have you put up with this since September????!!!!

Redfloralduvet · 25/04/2025 03:23

She's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Absolutely nothing lovely about her.

She's one of those nasty self-important types who thinks that so long as they ask for something politely, whoever they ask is duty-bound to go along with it. The type who thinks that if she has an issue, "raising it" over and over and over again endlessly, always using polite tone/words, until the other person caves in and agrees and changes things, is acceptable behaviour. Effectively bullying the other person into doing what she wants.

Sly narcissistic people who subtly rule your life in a way you can't quite put your finger on, whilst ensuring everyone loves them because they're oh-so-lovely-at-all-times. Watch out for the rumours she'll start to spread when you complain about her and attempt to hold her to account for her behaviour, OP. This type loves to play the victim.

I'd start looking for a new job TBH, unless there's some way you can move her on from your classroom. You'll not be able to work with her, nobody will, unless they're happy to be a subservient puppet for her.

SharpOpalNewt · 25/04/2025 03:30

Have you tried telling her this, OP?

I'd be first having a meeting with her to discuss exactly what I do or don't want her to do in the classroom and about the way she speaks to me. Tell her she's on amber and any more of this shit will get her on red 🙂

And stop sayjng she's lovely. She sounds like a fucking nightmare.

anon12345anon · 25/04/2025 03:38

She doesn't sound lovely - she sounds like an absolute pain in the ass ....

user1492757084 · 25/04/2025 03:42

You are right to ask not to be allocated this TA again; you are not compatible.

Talk to the headteacher. Ask whether this woman could be sponsered to work part time and train for a qualification by distance education at the same time. She could easily upgrade her role and work on her own with small groups for literacy for example.. She might be perfect in a library assisting children who are all working on their own research and projects.

Talk to the TA about how YOU FEEL when she does certain specific things and ask that she stays silent and watches and trys your ideas for a few days before offering any opinions - which are always welcome at the end of the day. Set up a comments box for her to write down any issues and post into a box. Look through them together at the end of the day. Just having her writing constructive comments rather than interupting you would be an improvement.

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