Husband stopping drinking out the blue - selfish to be annoyed?

[PollyPocketer]

DH isn’t a big drinker these days, maybe one or two pints each weekend and every couple of months a bigger session.

He has told me today he intends to stop drinking indefinitely, as he needs to ‘knuckle down’ with work (unhappy and so far unsuccessfully job hunting) and is fed up after his bigger sessions (which in reality are about 5/6 pints with mates) of feeling crap for days after.

I know this probably sounds bad for me to say, but we are both early 30’s and I really enjoy having a drink with him on the weekend. We also go on holiday quite regularly and have cocktails etc, going to different bars is part of the fun). I’ll feel a bit silly drinking by myself.

Can anyone see where I am coming from? I’m not sure how stopping having one or two drinks every weekend will help him in his job hunt!

I do feel very sorry for all these people who were apparently married for years before realising that their other half was a grumpy boring sod unless he'd been dosed-up with a weak solution of ethanol. Thoughts and prayers.

This.

I was told off last week on here for writing that I find some teetotalers to be boring and preachy about anyone else drinking alcohol (this has been my experience multiple times). I don't actually care about their drinking preferences, frankly, and I'd prefer not to have to justify my enjoyment of wine to them either.

Yes, it will feel weird to you if you're sipping on your cocktails and your husband's only sipping on a cola, but my advice is to just plough on. It's his choice, at the end of the day, and it's your choice to continue to enjoy what you like doing. (Though I think it's a bit odd he's indirectly blaming his lack of progress on the job hunting front on his inability to drink only a few pints here and there.)

You'll have to wait and see how he is. Hopefully he'll not care about you enjoying a few glasses and not start with the comments.

I think you need to ask DH to discuss this decision since it affects you as well as him. He doesn't have to stop enjoying a drink with you - he needs to stop going out with his mates and getting drunk, after all

Wtaf. You think someone else should have a say on what drugs you take? Your do know alcohol is a (legal) drug, a toxin that causes organ damage? You think a wife should have a say in whether their partner stops taking drugs? Mental.

I know this isn't the point of the thread, but my DH stopped drinking beer as it made him feel really unwell and he thought it was just him getting old. We later discovered he was coeliac - the beer was making him ill, but not because of the alcohol.

I would suggest switching to alcohol free beer and seeing if that makes any difference. And checking the list of coeliac symptoms.

Marriage is both a contract and a relationship based on trust. A major decision such as changing the whole family's diet and which affects the provider of that diet, is something to discuss. Unilateral decisions are unlovely. He had neither dietry, religious nor ethical reasons for becoming a vegetarian. I insisted he become a pescatorian instead because I did most of the shopping and cooking and I had to bear in mind my DC's health. He didn't ask me, he told me. Not right in a marriage and the decision changed our diet completely. I am as entitled as him to follow the traditions of my culture if that is my wish, after all, and am equally entitled to decide what I eat and drink. He unilaterally decided that for me and my children - because stopping the eating of meat (and he only ate fish because I insisted) meant changing all our diets, unless I wanted to cook two different meals every day. Women are taught to be accommodating of men - that I was not accommodating and insisted on the rest of us eating meat when we chose surprised him, I think.
NB I am an adept vegetarian cook, using mostly the traditions of India. The problem was that I had had no input into the decision on how we lived.

You insisted he ate fish even though he wanted to be vegetarian? If you didn’t want to put a few extra things in your shopping trolley (99% of what most people eat is vegetarian) or cook for him, you could have asked him to cook and shop for the separate bits he wanted surely? Did he insist on you becoming vegetarian? Or did you just decide that it was impossible for you to eat slightly different meals?

Marriage is supposed to a relationship of mutual commitment and support. It is not one where one partner has to seek the permission of the other for things that are important to them. It is not a situation where one partner is insisting the other eats a certain food. I’m sure he was surprised by your response, but probably for different reasons.

It doesn’t matter why he wanted to be vegetarian- he did, you should, as a partner, support him in that. Why were you doing all the shopping and cooking anyway? Were you both working the same hours?

BTW being vegetarian would have no negative impact on your child’s health. What are you going to do if your child decides to be vegetarian or, vegan? Also you keep saying “my children” were they not his?

I know, I’m reading some of these responses and thinking WTAF??

People who think being in a relationship gives them some kind of right to control others seeking out healthier choices for their bodies? Whatever happened to bodily autonomy? What comes next? Oh don’t wear that shirt or, don’t grow your hair? I think the level of control some posters are advocating for on here is basically abuse! It’s bit like Kanye whatever his partner is called today parading them out naked (I’m not talking about the OP who just seems a bit disappointed).

Im vegan and a non- drinker - my meat eating, bottle of beer in front of the TV DH is supportive of that, if be books restaurant will always make sure there’s an option or two for me (that I like), I’m always happy to drive home from the pub. The level of control people seem to think they should be able to exert over partners is mind boggling!

He entirely changed our diet because he wanted to. The logistics of a family with children and two full-time outside home working parents does not allow for 'a few extra bits in the shopping bag'. Nor does it work to cook two different meals, nor ask one person to cook their own. Everyone must eat the same meal and I went in for elaborate cookery from various cuisines (French, Italian, Spanish, Gujurati etc) so 'a few extra bits' does not cover someone being vegetarian, it's a whole other meal. My suggestion (I did not in fact insist) he continued to eat fish was for health reasons, since I am well-aware that a completely vegetarian diet can lead to health problems in a culture that is not steeped in vegetarian cooking. His DM had Type 2 diabetes, which is common in ex's culture because of the diet, so I wanted to avoid this for him and also avoid heart problems (his DM again) so I suggested oily fish (occasionally). He continued to eat cheese, and not the vegan or vegetarian sort, and that was his choice, so he was only vegetarian when it did not impinge on something he enjoyed eating - he would have cheese flans, too, and eat eggs. Thus I don't think the rare piece fish was much of an exception (he continues to eat fish and likes fish and chips, and is no longer married to me, so that is his choice).
I also wanted to make sure our DC were not in difficulties among friends and my family by becoming totally vegetarian, which is why I continued to serve meat on occasions (very limited occasions, in fact: Christmas and Easter), other than that we were all vegetarians in practice but not in philosophy and neither of our DC are vegetarians now. And yes, when our DS was a child I did veto him being a vegetarian (altho in practice we were 98%) because he would not eat vegetables at all in any recognisable form (our cooking tended to caseroles, curries, dahl, flans, pasta dishes etc), so he could no longer have had school dinners - he was offered the option of making his own packed lunches, but decided against it. We compromised, which worked.

I do get what you mean as there is a lot of bonding and fun to be had in those relaxed drunken conversations and nights in the garden/ pub etc.

but things move on and you sort of have to accept that you had enough of that in the past and nothing lasts forever.

fwiw I also went sober for job related reasons and it was the best thing.
It’s easy to blame everything that goes on in your brain on booze and when you take booze out of the equation you are 100% responsible for your thoughts feelings and reactions. It’s really interesting for people of our generation who maybe spent a lot of their formative years drunk

Did you resolve whatever was the issue with your job, and did no alcohol help do you think? I just can’t work out how it would make a difference for him!

There wasn’t an issue as such, I didn’t think I was performing as well as I could. I had a reallly challenging new contract and wanted to be fully present. I think it did help

Much as I love a nice G&T or a couple of glasses of wine I have more or less stopped drinking because I know alcohol really isn't good for anyone. I've seen what it does to people's health - both full on alcoholics and those who enjoy "just a few drinks" at weekends. I say leave your husband to decide for himself whether or not he wants to drink alcohol.

If you can’t enjoy things without alcohol then it’s obviously an issue and you should maybe take notes from him

I've all but stopped drinking now because of how it was making me feel. I recommend non-alcohol drinks, they've come on in leaps and bounds taste and availability wise recently. I don't expect my DH to stop at all.

I'll probably have a few on holiday but no where near as much as I used to.

DH loves it as I always offer to drive now if we go out and it saves on taxis.

Curious to hear about what a few drinks on the weekend does . Not binge drinking but a couple glasses wine / cocktails for example

Is it really hard to understand that a CNS depressant such as alcohol can cause impaired memory or poor concentration or confusion?

He's aging. His body isn't processing alcohol like it used to and the cognitive aftereffects are bothering him enough that he doesn't want to drink alcohol anymore.

Then YABU.

Is it really going to put you out that he’s not drinking alcohol with you? Should he really continue drinking for your benefit when he will likely be better for refraining from it?

Does your feeling of silliness really trump his health and well-being? Why feel silly? Does it make you question your own drinking habits?

Are you one of those who can’t relax around someone who doesn’t drink?

Alcohol is a poison so I don't know why it's a surprise to anyone that it's not a healthy thing to drink. If it wasn't I would happily have several drinks every evening. Let's face it, if alcohol was invented tomorrow no-one would think we should open lots of businesses to sell vast quantities of the stuff to anyone over 18.

Well, there is a small health risk because there's no safe level of drinking, but it's a low risk if those few drinks measure as only a few units. People are so different it's hard to quantify the effect on absolutely everyone, as your overall health is based on numerous factors. There is no safe level of drinking, but if you stay under 14 units a week, making sure not to have them all in one go (and people are also very, very bad at measuring units) there is a lower risk than people who are going over those limits (roughly 6 pints of beers over separate days) According to the NHS the risks include: cancer, liver disease, stroke, heart disease, liver disease, brain damage, damage to the nervous system and there's evidence, regular drinking at high-risk levels can make your mental health worse.

I think this is very variable when you're talking about individuals though. Personally, there is no way I could drink as much 14 units a week without feeling absolutely horrible all the time! I could drink whatever I wanted up until the age of 25 with only the odd hangover, and then after that I had to knock it on the head after two drinks unless I wanted a couple of days of misery, and I even started feeling ill the same evening. I got away with a few drinks here and there for another ten years but now I really can't drink at all. I feel poisoned and it would certainly affect my ability to do my job, but of course not everyone has this reaction to alcohol.

Why would you feel silly drinking by yourself?

Have a glass of wine at home if you feel like it.

Go out to a pub or a bar and order what you like, who cares if he is drinking lime and soda or coke or a mocktail? Or Lucky Saint?

SO many bars and pubs now have half-decent alcohol free beer, no alcohol gin etc.

Exactly the same here. It's perfectly fine. He's happy to go to a bar if we go out, and have a non alcoholic option.