Husband stopping drinking out the blue - selfish to be annoyed?

[PollyPocketer]

DH isn’t a big drinker these days, maybe one or two pints each weekend and every couple of months a bigger session.

He has told me today he intends to stop drinking indefinitely, as he needs to ‘knuckle down’ with work (unhappy and so far unsuccessfully job hunting) and is fed up after his bigger sessions (which in reality are about 5/6 pints with mates) of feeling crap for days after.

I know this probably sounds bad for me to say, but we are both early 30’s and I really enjoy having a drink with him on the weekend. We also go on holiday quite regularly and have cocktails etc, going to different bars is part of the fun). I’ll feel a bit silly drinking by myself.

Can anyone see where I am coming from? I’m not sure how stopping having one or two drinks every weekend will help him in his job hunt!

How will anyone know he isn’t drinking? His glass of coke could have a spirit mixed in it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I didn’t at least 7 years of my early twenties getting on it several times a week. I’m lucky that I don’t get hangovers and seem to be able to hold my drink well. We’d early drink as my husband gets killer hangovers and I get terrible acid reflux from it so we tend to not drink and we don’t notice any disadvantages.

I can see where you’re coming from, but still think you’re being unreasonable.

I used to enjoy drinking and when I met my OH I’d always imagined we’d have a few drinks together, but they’re not a big drinker and it did make me a bit sad that having a few drinks on a weekend wouldn’t be part of our relationship. I was in my 20s at the time.

But you should support your DH to stop drinking as he’s obviously identified it as an issue. Eventually you won’t miss it. I’m 37 now and don’t miss drinking at all. I occasionally have a drink but don’t enjoy getting drunk at all now. We enjoy doing other activities and it’s no longer something I miss

I wish I was in your position, with a husband who wants to completely stop.

Reality is all the research coming out of showing that no alcohol at all is the best amount. But he doesn’t sound as though he’s doing it in a judgy way so that shit’s on you.

I know exactly how you feel, as I would have felt the same… but I’m 15 years or so older than you and am now having to tackle a drinking problem that crept up in me.

Honestly: a partner not drinking enough is a bloody wonderful problem to have. Many women would love to have that problem.

I stopped drinking about 13 years ago and dh was mega pissed off about it. I used to enjoy a good drink on a weekend and then dwindled down, and to be honest the only reason I dwindled instead of just stopping was because my husband kept making comments about me being no fun and I've had one or two just to stop an atmosphere.

And then I told him I was stopping and he was pissed off. I lied and told him it's because I wanted to focus on work when the truth was I just outgrew drinking and didn't want to. I remember one night at a family thing after he'd had a few drinks he kept trying to get me to drink, his family joined in too and kept telling me one won't hurt, or how boring I'm being and the drunker they got, the more they were at it.

My family were the same too, and it's tedious and annoying to have my night spoiled by several people insisting that the only way I can possibly have fun is by drinking with them and going to lengths such as sneaking a shot in my Coke to try and trick me to drink.

I'm in my mid 40s and still get shit from some people, it's not so bad now as most of the young adults in my family are teetotal so im not the odd one out at family stuff and dh doesn't drink now too.

For months after I stopped, every fucking weekend he'd be huffing about "it's no fun drinking alone", asking me at least ten times if I don't want anything buying to drink and then once he'd had a few, moaning on at me all evening for not drinking and continuously saying I should join him. I snapped one day and told him he's spoiling my weekends by acting all pissed off and banging on trying to get me to drink and if it's a deal breaker for him then it's best we split and I meant it. He stopped banging on every weekend and
now he's almost 50 and his body doesn't like alcohol, he's had a new insight into how tedious and boring it is when people make a big fuss over someone else choosing not to drink and just how much it spoils the none drinker's night.

I kind of get what you mean , because I felt this way in my younger twenties, but as I’ve reached 30 I actually feel happy for him and that he can make such a difficult choice. (He often goes through phases of not drinking but has never been a big drinker at all) It’s not easy to give up drinking with all the social pressure and I would say he is strong willed and wants to better himself and that outweighs wanting to have a few drinks at a bar together so it would be good for your to support him. You will learn to enjoy your experiences in different ways together.

YABVU. I rarely drink and DH drinks a couple of beers a few nights a week, more on a night out. It doesn't bother either of us. I'm still perfectly capable of having a good time without drinking 🤷‍♀️

I barely drink, my DH still drinks. I'm happy to sit and chat.

I can see where you're coming from though, a lot of social life can revolve around drinking and going from bar to bar. I think that can be difficult when you know he doesn't actually WANT another coke whilst you do want to try a new cocktail.

See how it goes. He might relax it on holidays and special occasions anyway.

When someone stops drinking it makes the people around them who do drink consider their own drinking habits and often makes them reflect on their drinking differently or in a way that makes them feel judged.

He wants to quit because it makes him feel bad, it also sounds like he can be a bit arsey with a hang over so I think he is making a wise choice.

Life does change when you stop drinking, a loud night club full of drunk people would be my nightmare now, but I am also in my 30s now with 2 v small children. But I do like to go to the pub and chat/ enjoy myself with friends. Not ones who great really drunk tho, just ones who get a little tipsy. Even other ppl drinking don't like someone drunk.

@BatchCookBabe your DH doesn't sound very nice really! I wouldn't want to go out with him either, and I quit drinking a few years ago.

Yes, YABU. My DH doesn't really drink but happily pours (or buys) me whatever I want. It really isn't any of you business what he chooses to drink as long as you can still drink whatever you want.

And there is an upside - DH always happy to be designated driver and will drop me off and pick me up when I go out with my friends.

As Kevin Bridges said, when you turn 30 the fear of a hangover eclipses the joy of a night out. In your twenties, you see a tray of Jagerbombs, you see a good night ahead. In your thirties, you see a tray of suicidal thoughts. 😂 YABU.

Drink can and does become an addiction with some people with serious or fatal consequences. It has no health benefits except red wine perhaps. It is also expensive and your H seems to be looking for a job so isn't currently earning any money to buy it??

I wouldn’t like it either @PollyPocketer

I do enjoy lovely wine or some cocktails with my DP, and I’d feel a bit robbed, I guess

Unless he has more of a problem with alcohol than you know?

Or does he think you drink too much?

if I’m honest, I wouldn’t start dating someone who never drank alcohol, and I would find it difficult with the change

Have a think about what you want in a partner.

These all sound like green flags to me.

I see where you are coming from, your DH has made a major change in your diet without consultation or consideration. My ex did something similar when he declared he was going to be vegetarian without any discussion or consideration what this would mean for me and DC - I did most of the cooking, for one thing, and it meant a complete change in catering for reasons I did not agree with. He had reverted to the culture he had always rejected and which he continued not to respect in other ways. I was furious but said ok, but you eat fish, which he agreed to (so it wasn't an ethical choice not to eat living creatures). He still eats fish but he made the whole family change their diet for his own whim (he was and is an atheist so there was no religious reason to become vegetarian and it wasn't for health, either).
I think you need to ask DH to discuss this decision since it affects you as well as him. He doesn't have to stop enjoying a drink with you - he needs to stop going out with his mates and getting drunk, after all.

Err...
Not often left speechless but this has done it. Is one person giving up alcohol a major change in a family diet? That's a new one to me.

This is very interesting , DH is a vegetarian and I am menopausal and on the point of giving up drinking ( hadn't had a drink since Jan then had a couple over the bank holiday and have been plagued by hot flushes since). We are going to his family this weekend and I know both choices are likely to cause issues. I respect his choice around meat it has certainly made me re-examine our relationship with it and I think he mostly respects my decision around alcohol. I feel for a PP's DH I often want to leave places between 9 and 9:30 too.

I am finding it alot recently someone decides to do something and the other person has to make it about them

Him giving up drinking does not have to be about you

I’ll be honest with you. It is selfish to be annoyed. However I’m only saying this because I’m in the same boat. And I feel exactly the same as you. I know it’s selfish but I can’t help but kinda grieve the life we had and the lifestyle I prefer. I know grieve is abit dramatic but I miss going for a few drinks on a child free night, or a few beers around the fire pit and being silly. Even little things like the thought of a wedding coming up I miss the thought of us getting drunk and having a dance and being daft. So yes, we are both abit selfish but our thoughts are also validated!

Dh has never really drunk outside of stag dos and weddings, never stopped me having a drink or our nights out

Why on earth should he consult you over what he wants to eat. I’m vegan (was vegetarian) DH and DS eat meat. Your ex doesn’t need a reason it can be as simple as what you want to put in your body. I certainly couldn’t be with anyone who questioned my bodily autonomy. He wasn’t vegetarian he was pescatarian btw - hardly that restrictive! . It’s not hard to come up with meals with slight tweaks that can be eaten by everyone.

I don’t drink either. Luckily I hace a DH who respects I hace a choice over my own body..

Yes, I too was pretty shocked at the situation outlined! If my DH behaved like that over my decision over what I did with my body I would probably be his ex partner too though.

Well, I personally understand why you’d be a bit disappointed. DP and I don’t drink midweek but might have maybe 2 drinks together on Friday night and the same on Saturday, and then we also love trying cocktails on holiday. We’re never hungover but we do like getting tipsy together as a treat on holiday and I think I’d miss that. But I’d also be supportive and positive about it, and I do think 5/6 pints is a lot so I totally get why he wants to stop doing that.

I’m an occasional non drinker but still go out with DH for drinks at the pub or a bar. I just have a non alcoholic drink. Many more options these days.

My DH also stopped drinking about 4 years ago. At first it was a Dry Jan, he carried on, got to 1 year, felt great, it’s now been 4 years. I know he won’t drink again now.

At first I did feel like you, we went on holiday with our kids and would have loved to share a wine on the balcony etc. But I’m so used to it now and it doesn’t bother me. It’s also curbed my own drinking loads - we never have it in the house anymore and I’ve joined him in a love of 0% beers!

He couldn’t hack the hangovers; even 2 drinks made him feel like crap. The closer I got to 40, I found I felt exactly the same. I’ll never go sober and love a few drinks with friends but I’m just so used to DH not drinking these days. And on the plus side there’s always someone free to drive 🤣