Conflicted as to whether good friends new boyfriend can stay over - I have 18 month old

[Clarenewme]

My good friend has been seeing someone for a few months. He lives abroad, so they have been in each other presence a total of a month when she has been visiting him abroad, and the rest of the time it's been long distance. He is coming to visit her soon, and we were discussing meeting up (so me and my husband can meet him). She doesn't live near me at all so I said they could stay over.

She mentioned planning in a date we could meet him (and they stay over) then we have lunch together the next day. Then it dawned on me, this feeling of anxiety about having someone I don't know, that's a man, spending the night next door to my 18 month old baby and I started worrying about it.

I had a call with her today to apologise for not thinking it through when I offered originally and said it's just that I feel uncomfortable having someone I don't know stay with the baby in the house. She said she didnt wnt to make me feel anxious, but she didnt say she understood. She doesn't have a child.

I felt bad after the call, as it could seem like I am assuming her new partner is not a decent person. I asked my OH opinion on it and he said he would understand her being offended and that he would trust her judgement and not have a problem with a new partner staying round.

Please can I get opinions?

Could you move the baby into your room for the night, or leave a baby monitor on.

I doubt v much he is a kidnapper or child abuser. You will be in the house too, along with 2 other trusted adults.

TBH, it's unlikely they ll stay over now. Maybe suggest a cheap, local hotel or B and B.

Move the baby in with you, if it’ll make you feel better. But I think you’re overthinking it, to be honest.

Definitely overthinking
move the baby in with you for a night if you’re that uncomfortable

Well, I think the damage is done now anyway.

have you not had a single male guest overnight since she went into her own room?? For how long do you intend not to have overnight male guests?

An abuser is far more likely statistically to be a known friend or family member.

It would've been far simpler to have just had her in your room overnight if you were really that worried.

I'm not sure how you're gonna mend this with your friend.

Why is this weird?! I don’t think I’ve ever had a male overnight guest around my kids. Not because I feel strongly about it, it’s just not something we do, having people to stay.

But I agree with the rest of your post.

I'm not usually one to let my imagination run wild but I'm with you, you don't know him at all and your friend doesn't know him well.

I think I'd have had the baby in with me but I'd be quite uncomfortable with a strange man in my house anyway.

I would think that the fact that this man will be sharing a bed with your friend and you and DH will be in the third bedroom, would mean it is virtually impossible for this man to cause your daughter any harm even in the unlikely event that he wanted to. I'd be offended in a friend of mine thought I would pose this kind of threat. Would you be able to reissue the invitation if your DD slept in your room for that night?

Meant kindly buy you are overboard here. I assume he will be sharing with her. What do you think will happen he will get up in the middle of the night to assault your child!

if I was your friend I would be very upset with the implication that he is some kind of child molester

I wouldn’t be happy with this even if no baby in the house.

You are allowed to have boundaries. It’s your home, your sanctuary. I wouldn’t permit someone I’ve never even met to stay the night.

This is very silly! Surely you have a monitor in her room anyway? And he’s going to be sharing a bed with your friend - what’s he going to do, sneak into your baby’s room to abuse her without either you or your friend noticing?

There are plenty of rational things to worry about when you have a child so try not to create worries where there are none - you’ll end up driving yourself mad!

You’re being precious.

Not wanting strange men you’ve never met in your home overnight is not ‘irrational’.

Other posters may be correct about the real risks and you are possibly overthinking it but I wouldn't have a man I had never met as an overnight guest in my house either.

If you don't feel comfortable, you don't feel comfortable, I don't think it's fair to expect you to put your discomfort to one side to protect the feelings of a man you have never met. You don't know him at all and your friend barely knows him any better why is it unreasonable to err on the side of caution.

Having a young baby makes you feel vulnerable but it also seems odd / disrespectful to doubt your friend's judgement over this guy. I haven't been in the exact same situation, but I'm not sure it would have crossed my mind if I had. The chances that he'd want to abuse your baby seem remarkably low but of course, no one can say they are zero.

Your house, your rules, I guess. But as your friend I think I'd be mortally offended.

Me either!

I don't understand how so many people are OK with this.

I don't even have children and I wouldn't have a stranger in my house overnight.

Exactly! She’s never even met him. Going from having never met him to him being a overnight guest is too much.

They can still meet up for lunch as planned, it doesn’t need to be preceded by an overnight stay at OP’s!

This is a bit ott IMHO. She's a good friend and I'd trust her judgement. He's in the same room as her and I can't see the issue tbh

I really don't understand how anyone can live with so much anxiety and fear of others...

MN: bangs on about women's safe spaces every 5 minutes.
Also MN: is broadly okay with a random man staying overnight near someone else's baby.

This would have crossed my mind, however there’s no way I’d ever mention this to her as it’s very likely she will feel offended especially as she’s the one making the effort to travel to you.

I’d just pop baby in with you for the night or you or your partner sleep in babies room. It’s only one night and easy enough to keep your little one close by.

I think it’s a bit weird really. There’s no reason he would ever be alone with your child so I don’t personally get the worry.

@NestOfWipers have you not had a single male guest overnight since she went into her own room?? For how long do you intend not to have overnight male guests?

Personally I have never had an overnight guest. I don't imagine this is highly unusual.

Don't change your mind OP, I'm sure they'd much rather enjoy a night in a hotel or B&B and the biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

have you not had a single male guest overnight since she went into her own room?? For how long do you intend not to have overnight male guests?

I really don’t think that’s particularly unusual.

Thank you for your posts, some are a little harsher than I had anticipated to be honest! But thank you everyone for your thoughts, with kindness. Turns out my friend wasn't offended thankfully! She said she looked at it from my POV which was nice and we still have the friendship.

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