To not want to spend my free time being a carer and taxi?

[Foodmammahelp]

Does anyone else have family members that think you having free time means you are available for whatever they need? I am a lone parent so don’t get much free time at all.

Ive spent most of the day being a carer and taxi for a family member who doesn’t drive.

The caring responsibilities are daily, being a taxi usually just a few times a week.

They’re the type of person that is very hard to say no to. They’re very good at emotional blackmail if you even try to explain why it’s not convenient or you just need a break!

I’ve read posts on here before where people always say things like “it would be an honor to care for my mum/dad/aunt etc in their later years.” Is there anyone in here who really doesn’t feel that way or am I just a complete bitch?

Caring responsibilities including getting them dressed, sorting their meds, helping them with the toilet, cleaning the commode etc so it isn’t just a quick here’s your sandwich and off you go.

They won’t accept help from outside carers either. We are in the process of applying for attendance allowance and a blue badge as this is long term now.

There are things they can do themself but would take much longer e.g. I can get them dressed and help them go to toilet in 15 minutes, but it would take them around an hour to do the same things on their own.

This isn’t sustainable for the next 15/20 years, but whilst they refuse outside help, how do I get in a better head space about doing this everyday without feeling resentful? 😭

You stop, you drop the rope and let them get to the point of crisis or the point they accept the need for out sourced care.

Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

The first post nails it. Drop the rope before you become too enmeshed in the situation. Be unavailable. Stop sharing plans - that way no one will know when you have free time. Very, very firm boundaries are required.

Well they can't refuse outside help if you are no longer available to do it. You need to stop being pressured by them and stand firm on it. You have your own life, you are not a carer by profession I assume and even if you were this is not your responsibility.

My Mum had to help her MIL near the end of her life whilst she sorted out paid care. She told all us never to do this for her, she didn't expect it, want it and none of us are in caring job roles. I told Dh he is the only person I would wipe an arse for. As much as I love my Mum and my sons, there is no way I could do that for them.

Set a timeframe for yourself, tell them from X date you will not be available for whatever duties you want to cut out even if that is all of it. They aren't magic, they cannot magically make you do something you don't want to do. You are not alone in this, there is an elderly parents board full of people going through similar. Say no and mean it.

All the time you are doing the caring, they don't 'need' outside help!

There are things they can do themself but would take much longer e.g. I can get them dressed and help them go to toilet in 15 minutes, but it would take them around an hour to do the same things on their own.

In the same way that houses with stairs keep older people fit and healthy longer, so does doing their own care if they can. If it takes an hour, it takes an hour. That's an hour of independence, movement and thought. That's healthy.

Dropping the rope is good for you. It's also good for them.

And the emotional blackmail part. Stop trying to explain why. Draw a boundary and keep saying no. No matter what they say.

When the 'medical crisis' emotional blackmail happens, as it will. You can force the issue about long term care

FPNI

Say you're ill and don't go. Don't be well enough for ages (forever).

It may also save you from making yourself ill. Double win.

Totally agree

Let them get themselves ready (tricky with an early hospital appointment but that's the way the cookie crumbles)

Book a taxi for hospital appointments - would the relative be eligible for mobility allowance ? It does seem that some older people only see taxis as something you use for weddings not for day to day travel.

I'm a firm believer that one of the major issues for the frail, older person is the lack of social contact - they can be so lonely. So family members can be the only people they see other than HCP. So to that end - make contact with local Aged UK / similar groups. They will have activities for your relative to join in. For example singing groups. My Dad goes to a monthly breakfast group run by the British Legion for former service personnel which he loves. Warning - you may have to take them for the first few sessions until they feel comfortable, but then it's taxis all the way. In fact take them in a taxi to set the scene. I think if more social contact was in place there would be less pressure between the generations. maybe a simplistic outlook, but my lived experience.

You will have to be firm, really firm.

You have child / children to take care of and your prime focus has to be them. You may have work which is important as well. Take with a pinch of salt all those who post just to say they would love to be caring for their aged Mum but she died. That's their lived experience, but this is yours and it's totally valid to feel the growing resentment and to do something about it without feeling guilty.

Be firm, drop the rope, don't feel guilty

Read this again and again. Post it on your fridge if you have to.

You're a single parent. Your time is more limited than others due to that. With that very limited amount of time you have free, are you really going to burn yourself out caring for a manipulative family member who does have other options and take away a healthy, happy mom from your own kid?

Your kid doesn't have anyone else if you are the sole parent. You had better think what happens if you keep on stressing yourself until you make yourself sick. What if you had to be hospitalized? You need to put on your own oxygen mask here because you have a minor who is truly dependent on you. Plus, you're showing your child to cave to emotional blackmail even when it's harming you.

You don't explain. You say No, I can't do that today. End the call, block their texts for a while. Being the family member's carer and chauffeur is keeping the family member from professional resources and it is detrimental to you and your child.

This is a no brainer, @Foodmammahelp

Just stop.

What's the problem with it taking an hour for them to get ready and dressed? Why is your time less valuable than theirs? And it's probably taking more than 15 minutes of YOUR time to get them dressed, what about the time taken to travel to theirs?

if it takes them an hour, it takes them an hour, that's what their time is for. It will keep them fitter for longer.

Of course they will refuse outside help as long as you keep doing it. What's their incentive for things to change?

First post nailed it

I hope you are claiming carers allowance!

I don’t qualify due to my job.

If the relative doesn't believe they need outside care they don't need you. Get adult social services involved for assessment and step back. It is on them if they accept care or not, you are not available you have a child. The trouble with helping out is it escalates and becomes expected. When it is uncomfortable enough they will accept outside care. It doesn't sound like they appreciate you sacrificing your time, your time is not theirs to dictate. Of course they would rather you do the drudge work than do it themselves or pay for care.

If they are over state pension age, apply for attendance allowance

It is not means tested

They can spend it on making their life easier

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Pop in to the long running cockroach cafe threads in elderly parents…lots of wise words from the trenches of elderly care.
and mos5 important- don’t set yourself in fire to keep others warm.

Big mistake doing things for people which they can do themselves. Not long before they won't be able to do it!

Would it be so terrible if it did take them an hour to do the same thing if they are capable of doing it?

Why are they using a commode?

You have to be very clear with them that you will not be their carer. Of course they don't want outsiders in their home and dealing with personal care.
So sorry that you are going through this. There will probably be tears and emotional blackmail but please get carers in.

I feel like this for my own husband, who can no longer drive due to illnesses and it is making me resent him so much. in fact resent is not a strong enough word for how much this has pushed me away from him! caring for him and my son is making me miserable so I totally understand how you feel....

I work for a charity supporting unpaid carers. I agree with (almost) everything other posters have said. Sounds to me like you are being bullied into being thi persons carer. The cared for can become incredibly selfish and single visioned, it becomes me me me and only me, until you realise that your child has stopped being your priority. You must stop doing for them what they can do for themselves.

Please contact a carers support group where you live, they can give practical and emotional support with no judgment.

Are you sure about that OP? I know people who work full time but still get carers allowance