To not want to spend my free time being a carer and taxi?

[Foodmammahelp]

Does anyone else have family members that think you having free time means you are available for whatever they need? I am a lone parent so don’t get much free time at all.

Ive spent most of the day being a carer and taxi for a family member who doesn’t drive.

The caring responsibilities are daily, being a taxi usually just a few times a week.

They’re the type of person that is very hard to say no to. They’re very good at emotional blackmail if you even try to explain why it’s not convenient or you just need a break!

I’ve read posts on here before where people always say things like “it would be an honor to care for my mum/dad/aunt etc in their later years.” Is there anyone in here who really doesn’t feel that way or am I just a complete bitch?

Caring responsibilities including getting them dressed, sorting their meds, helping them with the toilet, cleaning the commode etc so it isn’t just a quick here’s your sandwich and off you go.

They won’t accept help from outside carers either. We are in the process of applying for attendance allowance and a blue badge as this is long term now.

There are things they can do themself but would take much longer e.g. I can get them dressed and help them go to toilet in 15 minutes, but it would take them around an hour to do the same things on their own.

This isn’t sustainable for the next 15/20 years, but whilst they refuse outside help, how do I get in a better head space about doing this everyday without feeling resentful? 😭

Just looked it up. You are right. It depends on how much you earn

My mum would take an hour to get dressed and go to the bathroom and took great pride in the fact she could do it herself. She didn't find it easy and would need a good rest afterwards.This person can do it but chooses not to do it unless you are helping them. That's actually making them more dependent. I'm assuming this is your mum?

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apologies for the duplicate posts, not sure what happened.

You are a single parent with a job and, as you have said, you hardly have any time to yourself. You will burn out soon if you don't pull back.

You haven't said what relation they are to you, but even if they are one of your parents, you aren't in a position to provide that level of care. No-one is obliged to care for their aging parents. You are correct when you say that some people on here will says things like “it would be an honor to care for my mum/dad/aunt etc in their later years.” They may have a very different relationship with their relatives or maybe they aren't single parents with a job.

If you look on the Elderly Parents board, you will see many people (pretty much always women), running themselves ragged to help ungrateful parents who don't appreciate it and who often didn't give their children a great childhood.

Your child comes first and exhausting yourself running round after this relative who could employ carers will have a detrimental impact on your child.

The original post states in the process of applying for AA...and a blue badge.

You're getting boiled frogged inti being a full time carer.

Contact your local council, arrange a carer's assessment for yourself & a needs assessment for your relative.

Let them help.

We're only just getting support now, as relatives "managed" but it's been so helpful.

Good luck, boundary setting is hard, rinse & repeat until it sinks in.

Thanks all. I’ve had this comment this morning said to my 3 year old “mummy isn’t really being unkind. She’s just pretending”. This was after I said the caring was a lot (apparently I should be doing it with good grace.) 🤨

Selfishly this means that my and my dd’s day is completely ruled by my mum as she has a hosipital appointment today. We’ve been here over an hour this morning after the school run getting her ready. Then we have to drive to the hospital, drop her and a family member off (they don’t drive either so can’t take her) and then wait around in this town all day for her with my dd (it’s too far to come home again) before dropping her back and doing the school run again.

I would be asking them to take a taxi back. You cannot carry on like this. why are you putting such little value on your own time?

Also leave longer to respond to messages.

You need to stop ‘explaining’ to them. It implies that if they could just understand what you are going through and your pov, they would eventually respond with ‘of course, you’re right, I’m being completely unreasonable, I’m so sorry for putting so many expectations in you!’ This is never going to happen.

so instead of explaining, you state clearly what you are willing to do. That’s boundaries, you decide them, you enforce them.

Well you could fetch them both from the hospital.

But I’ve had this comment this morning said to my 3 year old “mummy isn’t really being unkind. She’s just pretending” fuck that shit. Tell them you’re busy. If you’re feeling guilty for not giving them a lift, Google a taxi number for them. If not, don’t.

This!

So what if it takes an hour. If someone can do something for themselves they need to get on and do it. Does it matter that it takes an hour? What else were they going to do with that time... Nothing I'm sure.

You only have one life, don't let this be yours

Just stop. Tell them you can’t do it anymore and they need to get outside help.

Take it from someone who had to care for their dying MIL as her children couldn’t be arsed to step up till she was on her death bed. I spent years looking after her. I’d never do it again for anyone but my own children, and my own children know if I ever get like that to stick me in a home.

With that comment they would be finding their own way home

How dare she bring a 3yr old into it
Trying to start manipulating young

You have to say no, for you and your 3yr old

You have to drop the rope. My DGM tried it on with me and I did help a lot but she would expect me to go to multiple grocery stores to save her money when I too was a single parent, working full time. My cousin's however, with wives at home and more money we're not expected to because they had to go home ...

Your relative needs outside help. Before you know it your life and your DCs lives will not be yours and their own.

With the hospital trips, call the ambulance transport people (most hosptals have this) and get her booked in

With the rest, step right back, ignore the emotional blackmail and insist she'll have to have outside carers, or if she refuses wait for the inevitable crisis and then talk about residential care

As PPs have said she'll refuse "outsiders" just so long as you're prepared to do it, so the only answer is to stop, knowing that you're certainly not dumping her because perfectly good alternatives are available

I’ve had this comment this morning said to my 3 year old “mummy isn’t really being unkind. She’s just pretending”

Edited to add that I posted before seeing this, and it would be the final straw for me
Basically the situation will continue as long as you allow it to, so it needs to end

I agree that comment should be the last straw. You need to say no. Guilt trip and emotional blackmail? Hang up.
If they can’t do things themselves then they need a care assessment to decide what help they need.

This 👍
Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Reward that bollocks with complete NO for the next 4 weeks. Also give them a heads up that you are not doing it during the school summer holiday, your poor daughter. They don't give a shit how their selfish, entitled behaviour affects you or your daughter.

You do not need to take your mother to hospital. There is hospital transport available for people who don’t have another way to get there.
OP, please take care and look after yourself. Your well being is important to your children and you should put them first. As long as you continue to be pressured into doing things, nobody is going to make alternative arrangements. For many reasons, my sister and I are LC with my mother. At least my mother has got carers in because she knows we will not do anything.
If necessary, lie and say you are busy/working.
What sort of a parent wants their adult child to look after them?
I always say this on this site, but hell would freeze over before I would let my now adult children look after me or run round after me. We have had the discussion. They told me they would arrange care if I needed it but not do it themselves.

She's being manipulative and extremely selfish. Let her and the other family member get a taxi home. How dare she say such things to your three year old. I would be absolutely furious and much less inclined to provide any help at all, never mind the massive amount that you are doing at the moment.

She is the selfish one, not you. You are sacrificing your DD's wellbeing by putting your mum first instead of your daughter. Instead of doing something nice with your DD, you are hanging around in town all day, waiting to take your mum home.

Put your foot down with your mum. Why can't this other family member do some more caring? Even if they can't drive, they could book taxis.

I agree. As long as you keep doing it the person will be happy with the status quo. A lot of elderly people are selfish and will use emotional blackmail. You need to think of your own life and well being.

You are definitely not a complete bitch, but you need to get better at saying no, if you don't want this to be your life until your relative dies.

"Selfishly this means that my and my dd’s day is completely ruled by my mum"

As a PP has said, you are not the selfish one here. What you are doing is not sustainable.

Have a think about what level of help you'd be willing to provide. ( It could be none!). Then do only that.

I agree that the Cockroach Cafe thread might be helpful.