To not want to spend my free time being a carer and taxi?

[Foodmammahelp]

Does anyone else have family members that think you having free time means you are available for whatever they need? I am a lone parent so don’t get much free time at all.

Ive spent most of the day being a carer and taxi for a family member who doesn’t drive.

The caring responsibilities are daily, being a taxi usually just a few times a week.

They’re the type of person that is very hard to say no to. They’re very good at emotional blackmail if you even try to explain why it’s not convenient or you just need a break!

I’ve read posts on here before where people always say things like “it would be an honor to care for my mum/dad/aunt etc in their later years.” Is there anyone in here who really doesn’t feel that way or am I just a complete bitch?

Caring responsibilities including getting them dressed, sorting their meds, helping them with the toilet, cleaning the commode etc so it isn’t just a quick here’s your sandwich and off you go.

They won’t accept help from outside carers either. We are in the process of applying for attendance allowance and a blue badge as this is long term now.

There are things they can do themself but would take much longer e.g. I can get them dressed and help them go to toilet in 15 minutes, but it would take them around an hour to do the same things on their own.

This isn’t sustainable for the next 15/20 years, but whilst they refuse outside help, how do I get in a better head space about doing this everyday without feeling resentful? 😭

You are absolutely not being selfish at all.

Each time you help your elderly relative, you put her needs and wants above your DD and yourself.

Your DDs and yourself take priority. Always.

You are not alone - there are plenty of elderly parents/relatives who fail to understand that our children take priority. Help is a favour rather than an obligation - especially if that help can be performed by other means or services (eg taxis, patient transport, carers etc).

Start being comfortable with saying - sorry I can't do that.

Are there other family members who could help but won’t? When you are asked to help, say no and mention the other family members who could be asked instead. If that isn’t suitable, or there aren’t any, say no, you’ll need to organise carers to come in. Don’t make it an ask, make it a tell. My mum turned herself inside out for her mum who refused carers. In the end we just organised them and they turned up to help. It is incredibly selfish of people to refuse that sort of help and expect family to do it.

That comment is beyond the pale. Protect your dd from such manipulative behaviour. Yes it's difficult to say no, but your dd deserves better. So do you.

You do not need to take your mother to hospital. There is hospital transport available for people who don’t have another way to get there

Exactly - though OP may well have a tantrum on her hands when it's suggested

It happened with my late, exMIL, who worked herself into such a state of spite and hysteria over being taken by someone other than exH that the staff genuinely thought there was something medical going on when she arrived

Untill she saw someone she knew, that is, when all instantly became laughter and happy chat

I honestly don’t understand how people get themselves roped into these situations. Just say no.

Saying no is in your control it is your choice not to say no and blame them for it

Just say no

Speaking as an ex carer and as a retired NHS professional I will tell you what I told my patients' relatives. You need to decide what you can comfortably do....not the absolute max but what you can commit to doing long term....and that may be very little. And then you need to tell them. This will manage their expectations, hopefully preserve your sanity, and allow a little leeway for genuine emergencies....and then you need to kindly stick to it. Its not uncommon for people who need care to be unrealistic about what they can expect from their family. This is not being ageist, I have seen it in younger adults with disabilities too, by which I mean 30's onward. By no means everybody but certainly some.

I’ll sound harsh here, but it’s true:

You’re letting your daughter down when you prioritise your mum to such an extreme degree: today should have been eg the morning stuff, drop her off, she gets a taxi home.

My friend is currently not working and lives near her mother who is now in her 80's.

A few months ago her mother had some health issues and needed a lot of care for a few weeks. She would have spent weeks in a nursing home except for my friend help. My friend moved into her mother's home then to help her out.

She had to deal with her mother complaining about pain, how she was feeling and deal with her frustrations in not being able to do things. Her siblings did a certain amount but could have done more to help her out then.

Her mother has some cognitive decline. At times it like any filter she has is no longer working so she has made cutting comments and has said things my friend wanted kept private. My friend said that her mother has the expectation that she will be able to stay at home long term with my friends help.

My friend recently has a last straw moment. She has begun to work on a plan.
She said I have to think what suits me, what will make my life better and what will benefit me long term.

I think that you need to have boundaries otherwise you will be left physically and mentally exhausted dealing with them. What she said to your daughter was uncalled for. You need to tell her that she needs x, y, as your in work and can't bring her or do certain things for her.
You have to keep well for yourself and your daughter also.

This is why I went back to work or the elderly would have errands for you daily.. I dont know op I havent energy I used to have. My friend is v good to her parents but says she can give time to it as not working.

Do you live with her?

You asked does anyone else feel like it's an honour caring for parents, or something like that. I don't. Firstly my parents were terrible parents that literally did the bare minimum (if even that) and secondly I know no matter what care I could provide it would not equal professional care.
Having been through a situation where my mother had an injury she absolutely sat back and seemed to almost revel in being much more incapable than she actually was. That's not a good situation for family or the older person as they need to keep being as independent as they can. Not saying that's the case for you but my mother seemed to think I would do everything and she had lost any capacity to call taxis, get shopping delivered etc. or just do many things that she was perfectly capable of previously.
I felt like I was almost enabling this.
Firstly if it takes them an hour to get ready that's what it takes them. If they need transport they need to sort it themselves.
If you're not available to do it -and you're not- then they need to make other arrangements.
Finally your child is your priority. Her needs come first. She deserves to have a childhood with you as her mum.
You too need to be a priority. How can you care for your small child if you're run ragged?
Just say no. No.

I’ve said you are being unreasonable only because you do not have to sleepwalk into being a career like this. They don’t want carers - fine that is their choice if they have the capacity to make that decision. But it is equally valid for you to say I do not wish to become a carer for you.
Decide what you are able to offer in terms of time commitment and stick to it. Will be hard to do I’m sure but the alternative is as you say together more and more sucked in at the expense of your own wellbeing.
Best of luck in some ways it’s like dealing with children your relative must recognise that what they want and need are different things!

Also can I just say that the older person refusing help is being actually quite selfish? They're not thinking of you or your family. There's no way I'd want one of my children "forced" into caring for me, no way, I'd hate it. But this person prefers that you run ragged after them to your detriment and your child.

I think rather than think what your limits are, going cold turkey might be better for you to manage

“sorry but I won’t be able to help for the forseee future as I need to prioritise my own health. I ask that you respect that “

then cut the phone call and block the number and email addresses

They’re very good at emotional blackmail if you even try to explain why it’s not convenient or you just need a break!

You have a choice

• give in to the emotional blackmail and spend the next 15 years running yourself ragged for someone who doesn't care about the impact on your child or on you
• stop doing so much. Of course there will be a storm, but you know it will come so you can sit it out and it will pass. "Tomorrow morning you'll have to manage for yourself" no excuses from you, no explanations, no appeals to their better feelings just repeat repeat repeat. (I know this is very easy for us all to say and much harder to do, but believe me it will be worth the emotional investment).

Become unreliable.

OP, drop the rope as someone upthread said.

You are a single working parent while taking care of an elderly person.

It's just not sustainable. I was one too. (2 parents actually...).

Something will have to give. Your first responsibility is to yourself - physical and mental health - your child, and your job or your whole situation will collapse due to keeping too many irons in the fire which will lead to ill health. And then the whole house of cards will collapse. Then your child will suffer the fall-out too.

You need your job to live and provide a roof over you and your child's head, have a job to be able to pay the bills.

Older family members can get very selfish in demanding constant care and attention. tell me about it!

You owe it to yourself and your child. You don't want to end up with a child saying they had a shit growing up cos you were never there for them.

Sending you strength.

No, we live 5 minutes away and see her daily.

You are CHOOSING THIS. You need to have that front of your mind. No one has a gun to your head. You are choosing to be treated this way and worse, you are choosing to allow your DD to be triangulated and manipulated.

You are in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that has you believing there is no choice. Of course there is a choice. And the sooner you exercise that choice the better for you, DD and actually DM.