Friendship fall out, racism and discrimination

[HappysoSaddy]

For the last few years I’ve had 2 close friends, our children are all close in age. In August another mum joined the group, kids similar age and same
school.

We are all Christian and met through church, we live in a small town snd view our friendships as important.

The newest friend has a complicated back story. She is from around here but moved to the middle
east for marriage, her husband passed away last year and she returned to the uk with her 3 small children. Her children were originally raised interfaith, she was in Lebanon and still attended church, her husband went to mosque and the children engaged a little with both.
When she returned to the uk and around when we met her she immediately had her children baptised and her eldest is in a catholic school.

Anyway at the end of last month she invited us all to celebrate Eid with her and her children, I said yes , another friend said yes. One friend then said absolutely not as it’s a Muslim holiday she isn’t muslim or even atheist and it goes against her beliefs. It was a secular celebration more or less, enjoying Lebanese food, exchanging gifts and the children reading some Arabic stories.

Anyway since then, the friend who said no has made comments which make me increasingly uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to handle it. Notably we live in a largish town but it really lacks diversity, last census said 97% white. In our children’s school there is our friends child who is half Middle Eastern and looks quite Middle Eastern and 2 other families who aren’t white. This friend has made several comments now that “if they aren’t really catholic and are “half Muslim” they shouldn’t be at a catholic school, she has also made comments like “you’d never know they had a white mum would you” and her son (who’s six) said these children “have skin the colour of dirt” and his mum didn’t say anything, I did say that was mean and they have beautiful skin but his mum didn’t back me up at all.
These comments are making me uncomfortable and question the friendship, more so I know she’s still being all friendly with the mum in question.
I am going to pull away from the friendship but I’m question is - do I tell the other mum what is being said, or do I just focus on myself?

AIBU for wanting to end this friendship and wanting to tell the other mum what she’s really like!

End the friendship for sure but I probably wouldn't tell the other woman why, if asked I would say that I didn't like some of her opinions

I would withdraw and not participate in gossip even under the guise of warning the other mother. She will find out, or maybe she might change the mind of her.

If asked I would be tactile "I don't like some of her brows" is good but if asked again or outright I would say what they are.

Definitely end your friendship with Racist Mum. If other mum asks, I think you should say she's said racist things but not tell her they were about her children.

End the friendship with all of them, it sounds like everyone is partly to blame.

Racist mum sounds nasty. She's going to get a right shock when she leaves her little bubble. New mum sounds like she's trying really hard to make friends.

I don't see how anyone other than the racist are to blame for ending this friendship.

End the friendship, if you need too, tell the woman you no longer want to associate with her because you find her views and comments offensive but don't feel you need to justify yourself or listen to any back peddling or explanation.

Don't repeat what's been said, but tell mum that you're no longer associated with her due what you find offensive comments, again no detail needed.

Can you explain how anyone, apart from the woman who has made racist and discriminatory comments about other people's children, is 'to blame' for any of this?

Just keep your distance. In a subtle way. calling her out for racism won't work at all as she'll just deny it. Even rampant reform supporters who like Stephen Yaxley Lennon claim they're not remotely racist.

Distance yourself from the racist mum (unless you feel like challenging her for not being a good Christian) but don't say anything to the Lebanese lady. If RM's children are saying such nasty things to the Lebanese children then their mum will realise soon enough who the bad apple is.

Definitely don’t say anything to the friend who celebrates Eid.

I wouldn’t cut racist friend off, as she’ll learn nothing.
I’d point out what a good mum she is keeping her late husband’s culture alive for the children.
That it’s respectful and healthy for the children to have some knowledge of their dad’s world.

I’d find a few bible verses to use about acceptance, hospitality, diversity, judgement and so on.

Push back, resolutely demonstrate love.

Personally I would not go to an Eid event it is nothing to do with me and i have no interest

I would end the friendship with the racist mum and tell her why.

I would not say anything to the other mum. If any questions are asked, I would simply say that I had ended the friendship because I was uncomfortable with views that the ex-friend had expressed.

how is everyone to blame?

I can't get my head around this either!

I also grew up in a place where there were only three families who weren't white and I'm not a racist, so please don't give this woman even a sniff of an excuse for her comments.

I would cut her (and any racist/sexist/homophobic person) off without a backward glance.

I don't think you can be half of a religion, can you?

Anyway, Racist Mum is also Ignorant Mum!

YAANBUA for wanting to end this friendship.

I would do so too. And if she asked I would tell her why. Life is too short to befriend racists. Just keep it civil and leave it at that.

Her not wanting to attend the Eid event makes no sense to me (I am non religious and have been to Christmas and Eid events) but is not a problem in and of itself. The rest of her comments are really problematic.

I should not be surprised when I hear of devout Christians who are also bigots. But I always am.

For your second question it’s challenging as I would want to know if somebody was being a bigot behind my back but nice to my face - but it may create a really difficult situation for you. If the other mother asks just say you realised that you and Racist Mom have some conflicting values and your prefer to keep your distance.

Many Catholic Schools have Muslim pupils. I’m a Governor at a Catholic School, and we have a number of Muslim students (as well as other faiths). It’s really quite common.

The Eid thing .. it was a party, it wasn’t a forced conversion. The Pope himself broke bread with many other religions and religious leaders .. it was good enough for him, should be good enough for anyone.

This boils down to your friend being a racist bigot, and trying to find excuses for her behaviour.

That’s terrible. Obviously end the friendship (and I’d have no issue telling her why - I’ve cut out family members for similar) but personally I wouldn’t say anything to the other mother.

However - I would be super inclined to talk to the school so they can watch for this sort of thing between the kids. If children hear this garbage at home they repeat it - often without understanding what they’re saying.

My children at the only Jewish children at their schools and we have had to deal with 3 horrible incidents and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. If the school is aware they can both do some education in the class as well.

as an aside we have hosted non Jewish friends for a variety of Jewish celebrations - and we celebrate Christmas at home as my husband isn’t Jewish. So going to an Eid party doesn’t sound odd to me at all. I’d love to see what it’s about!

Don’t worry; I doubt anyone would want to invite you.

Were you invited?

Being blatantly Muslim????
🙄

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I can't even... 🤦🏾‍♀️