Friendship fall out, racism and discrimination

[HappysoSaddy]

For the last few years I’ve had 2 close friends, our children are all close in age. In August another mum joined the group, kids similar age and same
school.

We are all Christian and met through church, we live in a small town snd view our friendships as important.

The newest friend has a complicated back story. She is from around here but moved to the middle
east for marriage, her husband passed away last year and she returned to the uk with her 3 small children. Her children were originally raised interfaith, she was in Lebanon and still attended church, her husband went to mosque and the children engaged a little with both.
When she returned to the uk and around when we met her she immediately had her children baptised and her eldest is in a catholic school.

Anyway at the end of last month she invited us all to celebrate Eid with her and her children, I said yes , another friend said yes. One friend then said absolutely not as it’s a Muslim holiday she isn’t muslim or even atheist and it goes against her beliefs. It was a secular celebration more or less, enjoying Lebanese food, exchanging gifts and the children reading some Arabic stories.

Anyway since then, the friend who said no has made comments which make me increasingly uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to handle it. Notably we live in a largish town but it really lacks diversity, last census said 97% white. In our children’s school there is our friends child who is half Middle Eastern and looks quite Middle Eastern and 2 other families who aren’t white. This friend has made several comments now that “if they aren’t really catholic and are “half Muslim” they shouldn’t be at a catholic school, she has also made comments like “you’d never know they had a white mum would you” and her son (who’s six) said these children “have skin the colour of dirt” and his mum didn’t say anything, I did say that was mean and they have beautiful skin but his mum didn’t back me up at all.
These comments are making me uncomfortable and question the friendship, more so I know she’s still being all friendly with the mum in question.
I am going to pull away from the friendship but I’m question is - do I tell the other mum what is being said, or do I just focus on myself?

AIBU for wanting to end this friendship and wanting to tell the other mum what she’s really like!

I am of mixed but ambiguous looking ethnicity. My children look white (particularly the blonde one).

I have been privy to shit like this my whole life and as a forty-something woman I now don’t take prisoners. Confront and deal with it head on.

good that your friend is supporting her children with a wide variety of historic family culture. The children will have a real sense of their backgrounds.

can you challenge your other friend at the time she says something inappropriate?

I'm atheist but I go to Christmas parties and eat Easter eggs. I've been to a Thanksgiving party and I'm not American.

I've eaten Diwali sweets brought into work.

It's great to be involved in different cultures!

I wish someone would ask me to celebrate Eid with them, or take iftar, that would be lovely. There is often a group iftar in the town near where I live but I've never managed to get along to it.

I eat very well during Ramadan as I manage to get invited to Iftar at least once a week.
I celebrate most things that involve eating 😀

Her comments are awful.

Poor new mum is trying to make sure her kids know about their late fathers religion and background.

Did racist mum tell new mum why she wasn't going to eid celebration?

My kids celebrate all their friends d ifferent religious festivals with them. It's lovely to way to share knowledge and learn

Racism should always be challenged. It’s irrelevant whether a racist accepts she’s racist or not.

Really enjoyed hearing your opinion that's great to know. Very relevant to this thread 🙄

Definitely cut off the racist

As someone raised Catholic, I will never understand people who don't get that their racism is profoundly anti Christian. Jesus would not approve!

So you’ve never celebrated Diwali, or Holi or Thanksgiving or St Patrick’s Day or anything that isn’t ’directly ‘to do with you’?

I think it's valid enough for people not to want to go to celebrations they see as being part of another religion, it's a common enough thing in and of itself. This lady's other comments however are a problem.

I might be inclined to press her about them at some point rather than cut her off (why would you say that, Joyce, what do you mean?), but I am pretty practiced at having those kinds of discussions,I think just becoming more distant is also reasonable.

I don't think I'd tell your other friend though. It won't accomplish anything useful.

Yeah I guess it's not up for debate. It's a fact they're being racist and should be told so. If they say they're not then respond with 'well, what you're saying is.' I just feel some people aren't even worthy of trying to educate.

I can understand not wanting to attend the Eid celebration although personally I think the more parties the better but the racism is unchristian and would tell her so. If you are Catholic there is a good chance that the next Pope will be from Africa.

I would tell racist mum that we're all God's children and that it's very unchristian to put people down because of the colour of their skin.
I'm ateist but I can't stand discrimination, it makes my blood boil and I have to openly take a stand against it or I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

I doubt that you would be invited.

I would let the friendship drift but I wouldn't tell the new friend what has been said. She may find out on her own in time but hopefully by then she will have an established friend group and will be less worried that everyone she meets in her new home town is two faced and racist.

I'm not a Muslim either but I'd be the CF hinting I'd like an invite if I knew there was Lebanese food on offer.

telestrations

If asked I would be tactile "I don't like some of her brows" is good but if asked again or outright I would say what they are.

I think you might have upset the autocorrect gods. 😁

I imagine she would have a heart attack if the Pope was African. She would label him “The Woke Pope”.

I was invited to an Eid celebration and literally the only reason I said “yes” was because of the food on offer 😁

I would watch and send her nova Reid's Ted talk

Also - there was a thread on here a couple of days ago which I think might be form your retuning from the Middle East's step mother

Something like 'aibu to expect my partner to reach out to his daughter' and saying that the daughter had gone to the Middle East with her husband and returned without him and started going to a church. Seems so similar!

DP won’t reach out to his daughter http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5320455-dp-wont-reach-out-to-his-daughter?msgid=-5320455#-5320455

Is this about your friend?!

As a Christian myself, my very blunt observation is that there is nothing 'christian' about this at all, from any party. In the opening post we've been told about hypocrisy, tittle tattle gossip and racism. All participants need to examine their hearts when next 'meeting in church' and especially before attending the Lord's Table.

FWIW, no, say nothing to the new mother about what others may have said. What would that gossip achieve, other than pain and hurt? How you approach things with the other mother is up to you: whether you want to do so according to Biblical principles, or just turn your back.

The only problematic person is the racist. The others have done nothing wrong.

Why are you judging her when you chose to live somewhere 97% one kind and where people haven't seen anyone different to them.
The sanctimonious mumnsnetters are all supportive as just like you they don't practice what they preach. 😂

I wouldn’t go to a Muslim event either but I wouldn't feel the need to be racist

If OP was born there and is happy there why on earth would she move?!

I’d back right off, but leave the other mum to discover the bigotry herself. You won’t be thanked for any intervention, but your distancing will be noticed and (ultimately) appreciated.