Friendship fall out, racism and discrimination

[HappysoSaddy]

For the last few years I’ve had 2 close friends, our children are all close in age. In August another mum joined the group, kids similar age and same
school.

We are all Christian and met through church, we live in a small town snd view our friendships as important.

The newest friend has a complicated back story. She is from around here but moved to the middle
east for marriage, her husband passed away last year and she returned to the uk with her 3 small children. Her children were originally raised interfaith, she was in Lebanon and still attended church, her husband went to mosque and the children engaged a little with both.
When she returned to the uk and around when we met her she immediately had her children baptised and her eldest is in a catholic school.

Anyway at the end of last month she invited us all to celebrate Eid with her and her children, I said yes , another friend said yes. One friend then said absolutely not as it’s a Muslim holiday she isn’t muslim or even atheist and it goes against her beliefs. It was a secular celebration more or less, enjoying Lebanese food, exchanging gifts and the children reading some Arabic stories.

Anyway since then, the friend who said no has made comments which make me increasingly uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to handle it. Notably we live in a largish town but it really lacks diversity, last census said 97% white. In our children’s school there is our friends child who is half Middle Eastern and looks quite Middle Eastern and 2 other families who aren’t white. This friend has made several comments now that “if they aren’t really catholic and are “half Muslim” they shouldn’t be at a catholic school, she has also made comments like “you’d never know they had a white mum would you” and her son (who’s six) said these children “have skin the colour of dirt” and his mum didn’t say anything, I did say that was mean and they have beautiful skin but his mum didn’t back me up at all.
These comments are making me uncomfortable and question the friendship, more so I know she’s still being all friendly with the mum in question.
I am going to pull away from the friendship but I’m question is - do I tell the other mum what is being said, or do I just focus on myself?

AIBU for wanting to end this friendship and wanting to tell the other mum what she’s really like!

I was in a similar situation OP. A new woman started spending time in my extended friendship group. I challenged her twice when she made racist comments. No-one else said anything to her and she denies being a racist. I distanced myself from her and since then, everyone else has also noticed that she’s a racist and distanced themselves too - so I very rarely see her now.

I'd ask for a meeting with the Head to discuss this. It sounds like she is indoctrinating / radicalising her own child into her vile worldview. If my kid was at that school I'd want this to be addressed urgently. Every school should have a zero tolerance policy on racism of any kind.

This is true - most faith schools have pupils who are from no faith or other faiths. I've been a school data manager for many years. However School Admission policies for faith schools can be strict. I think it's likely your "racist" friend probably believes with good cause that your new friend lied on admission about their faith stance. It happens a lot. To get 3 children intra-year into the same school takes a lot of doing, so no wonder she has doubts. We do however find, as i make the changes, that 6 months after admission approx, many families request to remove the religious attribution they gave on their-own completed application form. Effectively they have cheated the system: if 50 religious vs 50 not, with different catchment areas. ( Apologies I'm on a phone I cannot see the original post or the one I am quoting in). But the other racist comments are not acceptable.

How on earth is the mum that’s just moved back from the ME to blame? She is raising her kids catholic so no issue with them being in a catholic school but she is also recognising and celebrating that they are from mixed heritage and no doubt trying to keep the memory and culture of their dad alive.

Bin it off.
She sounds completely vile. And I absolutely would not have my DC’s around someone who not only thinks those things but also thinks it’s ok to say them out loud 🤨🤨🤨🤨

Would that mean you leave the friendship group?

I would arm myself with a selection of phrases ready for use. “Not sure I share that opinion” “ I really respect xx and if she chooses to keep her children in touch with their fathers faith and culture that’s not something I wouldn’t judge. “ “I don’t see the harm” “LOL have you beeen reading the Daily Express” etc

Basically, use your words and be a friend to new woman, don’t abandon her or allow her to be treated like this. No need to tell her, she’s probably worked it out anyway.

Also by simply saying you don’t agree you may be giving courage to others who feel the same.

People are allowed to have different views. You are allowed to speak up for yours.

You don’t have to remain close friends with her, she’s probably worked sounds a bit thick, but I wouldn’t just walk away and let her get on with it.

I'm becoming increasingly concerned by these anti-Muslim views and I'd distance myself from this friend. One of my friends has recently started parroting Tommy Robinson and I just can't like her the same way. It's sad as we've been friends for over 20 years but I don't like how her mind works anymore.
There are several people on this thread saying "I wouldn't go to a Muslim celebration". I do find this attitude odd. If a Muslim neighbour or colleague invited you to a Eid celebration you'd say no because it's a Muslim celebration? Why not go along and have fun? No one will try and convert you. Muslims are always accused of not integrating but why they try and reach out people react in this way.
I work in a very multucutural/multifaith organisation and every year we gave celebrations for Easter, Christmas, Diwali and Eid. Everyone attends all celebrations. The Muslims enjoy the Diwali, Christmas and Easter celebrations and we all enjoy the Eid celebration which is a feast of delicious food. I dont understand the attitude of choosing not to go. Why not enjoy other cultures and foods once a year?

I was one who said I wouldn’t go. I have been invited to a Muslim wedding which I was considering going to until I was advised of the dress code. I then chose not to go. I was invited to an Eid celebration too by the same friend but I respectfully declined - same way as she respectfully declined my invitation to a Christmas event.
We are free to choose what we do, where we go and what we celebrate in this country and I’m happy to live in a country where this is the case.

just to add - I did go to a family get together at her house - not religious based and I was happy to attend - the food was out of this world. She did attempt to teach me how to cook this specific curry I was obsessed with but mine tasted nothing like hers. She packaged some up for me to take home to my husband so I don’t think she had much faith in my ability either 😂

That's absolutely fine and your choice. I'm not talking about you specifically, but in general, I feel people would enjoy and benefit experiencing another culture for a couple of hours. There's so much hate at the moment that I feel bringing people together would increase understanding.

That's lovely!

Really - how did you reach that conclusion?

I wouldn’t tell her, but I would (and have) say very clearly to xenophobic former friend ‘that comment makes you sound racist. Are you?’.

The standard you walk past etc.

I ended a friendship with someone who made similar comments (albeit about Muslims in general, not anyone specific). Called her out on it whenever she did it. Eventually just blocked her. It helped that she'd moved away so I didn't have to see her.

In your case @HappysoSaddy I'd tell her you're not interested in continuing the friendship due to her racist comments. Make it very clear this is why.

I don't think I'd give specifics to your new friend. She likely has a hard enough time having lost her husband.

Be prepared for racist mum to try and turn the 4th member of your group against you though.

Good for you for being willing to cut ties with racist mum and stand with your new friend ❤️

Huh?