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AIBU?

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Original poster

Male School staff inappropriate behaviour towards DD

141 replies

heatherwithapee · 24/04/2025 08:58

DD is 14 (year 10). It has come to light that over the last few weeks a support worker at school (who she has been having one-to-one sessions with) has started behaving ‘weirdly’ towards her (her words).
She’s disclosed that he’s asked for her phone number, suggested they meet outside of school, asked to see photos of her doing her hobby, told her she’s ’his favourite pupil’ etc.

It’s been reported to school but realistically what can I expect to happen next? I understand that it’s her word against his (of course I believe her but appreciate that the school need to look after their staff especially when evidence may be difficult to obtain) but what’s the deal with safeguarding? She’s very worried about seeing him around school now that she’s reported him.

AIBU to think that he should be suspended pending investigation?

OP posts:
somewherebeyond · 29/04/2025 09:04

If it were my child I would also be reporting this to the Police and to the LADO. They will do a thorough investigation. If you only tell the school they could just brush it under the carpet.

JojoM1981 · 29/04/2025 09:10

Even if the teacher was mucking about asking for the phone number in a joky way,that's still an inappropriate thing to say 😞

Viviennemary · 29/04/2025 09:11

heatherwithapee · 29/04/2025 08:51

Thanks all for your advice. I’ve had a meeting at school last week. Unsurprisingly, the school are believing the member of staff. He has said that my daughter took what he said out of context and that apparently when she was with friends talking about what they’d done at the weekend, he joined in with “oh that sounds great fun - perhaps you should give me your number and I’ll come along next time”. DD is adamant that it’s a different story - that separately he asked her for her phone number and on another occasion asked her if she’d like to meet outside of school. On both occasions, she was alone having a one to one session with him, and was not with friends.
I’m not happy. Whilst I believe what DD has told me, I do understand that any pupil making an accusation could be lying and it would be awful for any staff to be wrongly blamed. But still, I don’t understand how the school so quickly and firmly decided that staff member’s story was right and DD was wrong. If DD is right, he’s free to do it again and I’m not convinced he’s safe to be working with children.

Even if it was a joke it was still inappropriate.

Viviennemary · 29/04/2025 09:13

But the story your daughter told was not accurate. You gave the impression he had asked to see her out of school and had asked for her phone number during one of their one to one sessions. What is the truth.

No3392 · 29/04/2025 09:18

Take this further OP.

The LADO as people have suggested.

What he's admitted to saying is still inappropriate. And we all know loads will admit to as much as they think they can get away with!

longapple · 29/04/2025 09:32

@heatherwithapee does the school have a policy on recording devices for recording lessons for later revision?

If she had such a thing I don't know what the rules are if it accidentally triggered in her pocket during their one to one session? I know recording without people knowing is generally a no but surely if she had a legitimate reason for carrying it they'd have to believe her if you literally had a recording of it?

OhHellolittleone · 29/04/2025 09:39

heatherwithapee · 29/04/2025 08:51

Thanks all for your advice. I’ve had a meeting at school last week. Unsurprisingly, the school are believing the member of staff. He has said that my daughter took what he said out of context and that apparently when she was with friends talking about what they’d done at the weekend, he joined in with “oh that sounds great fun - perhaps you should give me your number and I’ll come along next time”. DD is adamant that it’s a different story - that separately he asked her for her phone number and on another occasion asked her if she’d like to meet outside of school. On both occasions, she was alone having a one to one session with him, and was not with friends.
I’m not happy. Whilst I believe what DD has told me, I do understand that any pupil making an accusation could be lying and it would be awful for any staff to be wrongly blamed. But still, I don’t understand how the school so quickly and firmly decided that staff member’s story was right and DD was wrong. If DD is right, he’s free to do it again and I’m not convinced he’s safe to be working with children.

No no no. Don’t even joke about swapping numbers or seeing her out of school. Totally inappropriate. This will probably be in a policy somewhere. No numbers exchanged. So then you can say - so even if it’s a joke is it ok to joke about something that is a safeguarding by risk? No of course not. Because 14 year olds can’t be expected to know the difference between a trusted adult joking or asking for their number! It’s not exactly a ‘funny’ or ‘obvious’ joke. For instance if a kid said I’m going to the Maldives and a teacher said ‘Oo can I come?’ It’s an obvious/classic joke. But not this.

oatmilk4breakfast · 29/04/2025 09:42

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 29/04/2025 09:02

apparently when she was with friends talking about what they’d done at the weekend, he joined in with “oh that sounds great fun - perhaps you should give me your number and I’ll come along next time

Even if that’s true surely that’s STILL inappropriate? I used to work in schools and would never say something like that to a child.

Has he at least been removed from working with your DD?

Absolutely this. If it was me, at the very least I would be asking them to switch support worker. If that is not possible in interim he should not be alone with her in his office. Surely that is stupid bad practice on his part too?

Seventree · 29/04/2025 10:01

heatherwithapee · 29/04/2025 08:51

Thanks all for your advice. I’ve had a meeting at school last week. Unsurprisingly, the school are believing the member of staff. He has said that my daughter took what he said out of context and that apparently when she was with friends talking about what they’d done at the weekend, he joined in with “oh that sounds great fun - perhaps you should give me your number and I’ll come along next time”. DD is adamant that it’s a different story - that separately he asked her for her phone number and on another occasion asked her if she’d like to meet outside of school. On both occasions, she was alone having a one to one session with him, and was not with friends.
I’m not happy. Whilst I believe what DD has told me, I do understand that any pupil making an accusation could be lying and it would be awful for any staff to be wrongly blamed. But still, I don’t understand how the school so quickly and firmly decided that staff member’s story was right and DD was wrong. If DD is right, he’s free to do it again and I’m not convinced he’s safe to be working with children.

So he's admitted to trying to exchange numbers to meet outside school? Even if his version of events is correct, he's behaved inappropriately and has now admitted to doing so. School should be taking this more seriously.

BillyBoe46 · 29/04/2025 10:24

heatherwithapee · 29/04/2025 08:51

Thanks all for your advice. I’ve had a meeting at school last week. Unsurprisingly, the school are believing the member of staff. He has said that my daughter took what he said out of context and that apparently when she was with friends talking about what they’d done at the weekend, he joined in with “oh that sounds great fun - perhaps you should give me your number and I’ll come along next time”. DD is adamant that it’s a different story - that separately he asked her for her phone number and on another occasion asked her if she’d like to meet outside of school. On both occasions, she was alone having a one to one session with him, and was not with friends.
I’m not happy. Whilst I believe what DD has told me, I do understand that any pupil making an accusation could be lying and it would be awful for any staff to be wrongly blamed. But still, I don’t understand how the school so quickly and firmly decided that staff member’s story was right and DD was wrong. If DD is right, he’s free to do it again and I’m not convinced he’s safe to be working with children.

There is no context where that is appropriate.

The school will have a formal complaints procedure. Have you made a formal complaint? If you're not happy,which I absolutely wouldn't be, follow the formal complaint procedure. After that you can escalate to ofsted. I'd take it all the way in the interest of safeguarding and child protection.

1SillySossij · 29/04/2025 11:37

The support workers comment wain ill-advised, although I am imagining it more in the 'will you take me in your suitcase?' comment people say when someone tells them they are going on a nice holiday. It is a foolish thing to say, but a million miles away from the scenario in the op.
I am guessing the dd's story changed which identified her version as lacking credibility?
Also, what is the nature of this man's role? I work in a primary school and the therapist for example insists on confidentiality firthe student and would not work where the conversation can be overheard.

1SillySossij · 29/04/2025 11:37

The support workers comment wain ill-advised, although I am imagining it more in the 'will you take me in your suitcase?' comment people say when someone tells them they are going on a nice holiday. It is a foolish thing to say, but a million miles away from the scenario in the op.
I am guessing the dd's story changed which identified her version as lacking credibility?
Also, what is the nature of this man's role? I work in a primary school and the therapist for example insists on confidentiality firthe student and would not work where the conversation can be overheard.

Original poster
heatherwithapee · 29/04/2025 11:57

Just to clarify. No, my DD’s story has not changed. She is still saying that when they were working one to one, he (on separate occasions) asked first for her phone number and then also asked her if she’d like to meet outside of school.

When he was questioned by the school about this, he admitted to asking for her number and suggesting meeting up but said it was in the context of approaching her and her friends when they were talking about a hobby they’d done at the weekend where he ‘jokingly’ asked for her number so he could come with them next time as it sounded fun. DD is adamant that this did not happen.

OP posts:
LyndzB · 29/04/2025 12:21

Huge well done to your daughter for reporting, not easy to do.

bigboykitty · 29/04/2025 12:24

Octavia64 · 24/04/2025 09:03

They will investigate.

they’ll probably move her to a new support worker immediately.

no they won’t suspend for this.

i understand that your daughter is upset and this behaviour is inappropriate but you might be surprised how many teenagers complain about the behaviour of adults in school - teachers would be being suspended left right and centre if this were the case.

Very gung-ho attitude. If it's as OP's DD describes, he's breached all reasonable Safeguarding boundaries and should be suspended pending investigation. It's potential a disciplinary matter and could be gross misconduct.

GrammarTeacher · 29/04/2025 12:25

heatherwithapee · 29/04/2025 11:57

Just to clarify. No, my DD’s story has not changed. She is still saying that when they were working one to one, he (on separate occasions) asked first for her phone number and then also asked her if she’d like to meet outside of school.

When he was questioned by the school about this, he admitted to asking for her number and suggesting meeting up but said it was in the context of approaching her and her friends when they were talking about a hobby they’d done at the weekend where he ‘jokingly’ asked for her number so he could come with them next time as it sounded fun. DD is adamant that this did not happen.

I’m not going to comment on whether I believe your daughter or not as it’s unnecessary.
He has admitted to something hideously inappropriate whucg he shouldn’t have done. At the very least he shouldnt be working with your daughter and needs retraining.
And that is the least that should happen.
Well done for reporting and supporting.

1SillySossij · 29/04/2025 12:37

I think you have a right to know why they have dismissed her allegations so quickly Did they not say why? I imagine that they have interviewed her and some of the facts around times and dates don't stack up with CCTV evidence etc
I don't think laughingly saying yo a Group of kids talking about a hobby they had done ' oh ill give you my number and you can invite me next time' is 'wildly inappropriate' maybe a little ill-advised, but it is his job to build rapport with the kids.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 29/04/2025 12:47

Even if I believed his account, which I don’t, it’s still massively inappropriate. Please ask the school if they have informed the lado asap.

Fraaances · 29/04/2025 12:50

You should find out from DD and friends if this conversation DID happen. It sounds like a cover story to me. He sounds dodgy.

Whatafustercluck · 29/04/2025 12:50

I have read your latest update op and I wouldn't be at all comfortable with/ confident in the school's response, but don't know enough about the system to advise on whether/ how to escalate.

If your dd is telling the truth, this is classic grooming behaviour. And unfortunately as soon as I read one to one support, I wondered if it was SEN related. Children with SEND have a higher dependency on care givers, which can create opportunities for abuse by individuals providing their care. While I fully respect that teachers and assistants can be subject to malicious allegations, a child with SEN is even more vulnerable. And we know that predators are attracted to roles in which they have access to particularly vulnerable people. I would absolutely be following my gut if this was my dd (who is nd and very naive/ innocent about other people's motives). Your dd has done a very brave thing reporting this, and I hope someone else can advise on whether you have any further course of action available to you. But at the very least, I would be expecting his one to one with you dd to cease indefinitely. I just hope that the school's failure to act doesn't put others at risk.

Daisydiary · 29/04/2025 13:04

Agree that this is classic grooming and the fact that he has effectively got away with this now paves the way for any further bad behavior on his part to be dismissed. He will be seen as honest and she will be seen as a troublemaker. I am gutted for her. You know your DD. I know that if one of mine told me what yours had told you, they would 100% be telling the truth. If this is how you feel then you MUST take this further. The red flags are flying all over. Above all, why is he having 121 sessions with a female pupil alone?!?!

bigboykitty · 29/04/2025 16:36

@heatherwithapee I would contact the LADO directly and check if they are aware of this issue. I would let them know the details and that you feel your DD has been really let down by the outcome. I'd be surprised if they don't intervene.

OpalSpirit · 29/04/2025 16:53

I am so sorry this happened and now your daughter is learning the old shitty lesson that if you speak up you are often dismissed and disbelieved.

I would be extremely clear in a written message that this person is not to interact with my child again. At all.

I would also escalate as has been suggested.
One thing your daughter needs to see here is that you will believe her and fight for her.

Before anyone says we don’t know what happened, his admission is more than bad enough.

whippy1981 · 29/04/2025 20:44

Whatafustercluck · 29/04/2025 12:50

I have read your latest update op and I wouldn't be at all comfortable with/ confident in the school's response, but don't know enough about the system to advise on whether/ how to escalate.

If your dd is telling the truth, this is classic grooming behaviour. And unfortunately as soon as I read one to one support, I wondered if it was SEN related. Children with SEND have a higher dependency on care givers, which can create opportunities for abuse by individuals providing their care. While I fully respect that teachers and assistants can be subject to malicious allegations, a child with SEN is even more vulnerable. And we know that predators are attracted to roles in which they have access to particularly vulnerable people. I would absolutely be following my gut if this was my dd (who is nd and very naive/ innocent about other people's motives). Your dd has done a very brave thing reporting this, and I hope someone else can advise on whether you have any further course of action available to you. But at the very least, I would be expecting his one to one with you dd to cease indefinitely. I just hope that the school's failure to act doesn't put others at risk.

Edited

All children are vulnerable if there is a perpetrator. The thing that makes children vulnerable is their vicinity with a perpetrator not their SEN.

If this person is a perpetrator then ALL children in the school are at risk.

Whatafustercluck · 30/04/2025 07:28

whippy1981 · 29/04/2025 20:44

All children are vulnerable if there is a perpetrator. The thing that makes children vulnerable is their vicinity with a perpetrator not their SEN.

If this person is a perpetrator then ALL children in the school are at risk.

Show quote history

I said SEN kids are more vulnerable, and sadly the cold facts and statistics prove that. They are three times more likely to suffer abuse. I did not say that children in general are not vulnerable. Jesus wept, what an odd thing to find fault with.