Hand flapping

[Donttellanyone1]

Is this a worry? DD is 7 and has started flapping her hands when she’s excited. She often combines this with running and jumping, sometimes makes a bit of noise too although this has been going on for longer, at least the last two or three years. She also seems to do it when she comes out of school, as if to burn off the excess energy that she’s been holding on to at school. No other signs of ASD that I’m aware of and school haven’t mentioned anything. Should I be worried?

Great post. And your son sounds so impressive with his swimming. I wish him all the best.

Hi OP,

I’ve had a tic disorder since I was a baby, diagnosed by CAMHS and I still have it now in my 20s — it’s likely something I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I understand that you didn’t express your thoughts directly to your daughter, and so don’t think people should be harsh with you when we all have thoughts we're ashamed of and need support. But I do want to share how it feels from my perspective.

Hearing that you find the tics “abnormal” really stings. That kind of judgment — even when unintentional — is something I’ve carried for years. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling embarrassed about something I can’t control. If I had known my mum felt that way too, it would have crushed me.

Your daughter needs to know that you’re on her side, unconditionally. Let her know that her tics or stims aren’t something to be ashamed of. And — to be honest — it’s really important that you work through your own embarrassment, because she’ll pick up on it, even if you don’t say it out loud.

Also, just to add — I don’t have autism, so tics and stims don’t always go hand-in-hand with that. I do have OCD, though, and it's worth keeping an eye on things like that, but not overthinking it either. There are so many neurodiverse kids who grow up happy and confident. It’s not a taboo.
Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk more

Can I be honest ? You come across as someone who would deal with a diagnosis so badly I doubt you would I even admit the possibility of autism or other issue ? Flapping ( stimming ) at that age is not happening without a issue . Whatever the issue is you should never be embarrassed by your child behaviour when it’s something that is not controlled or hurting anyway .

Thanks so much for your message and understanding, it’s appreciated. I genuinely didn’t mean to offend anyone, I was being brutally honest on an anonymous forum as I feel ashamed to admit my feelings to anyone I know in real life. I would never ever say this to my child, and I hope I would never make her feel ashamed of who she is. The thought of that horrifies me. But I can’t help but feel a sense of embarrassment when I see other parents looking. It then feeds into my anxiety about what this could mean for my child. As people have pointed out, I know now this does not necessarily mean my daughter is autistic, but I just wanted somewhere to share my worries. It was never my intention to offend or hurt anyone, so I’m very sorry if my ignorance around acceptable language has caused any offense or distress. Can I ask what kind of tics you experience? I understand if you’d rather not share. Curious as I wonder if it could be something like that with my daughter and other diagnostic features of asd seem to be absent. All I want is for my daughter to live a happy, fulfilling life and before anyone jumps on me, I know that this is possible for some ND people. But in the same way, for some it is not and that’s what scares me

If I saw someone doing this I would look. fleetingly but would not be judgmental. I doubt most people would be to be honest.

I don't think I'm being too harsh at all.
As someone in her 40s who was first diagnosed in my teens, I've had decades of exposure to people using crass language about Autistics and I've heard the entire litany of 'weird', 'strange', 'odd', 's*z and, with 2 Autistic DC, I've been through the entire shitshow of barriers and prejudice on behalf of my daughters (who, at 7, aren't old enough to advocate on behalf of theirselves).

Maybe you need to expand your perspective around what a happy and fulfilling life looks like beyond the myopia of through a neuronormative filter.

My tics are quite hard to describe. My shoulders tense up and I sort of clasp and twist my hands while going cross eyed. In my pre teens they were briefly vocal and I found that incredibly difficult but it reduced once I'd gone through puberty.

I really don't think you deserve these monster comments. If supportive forums start name calling everyone who lacks understanding then people will stop using them and getting the help they need.

That being said - this "I can’t help but feel a sense of embarrassment when I see other parents looking" needs to go away. The only way to deal with this is to not give a fuck and teach your daughter to not give a fuck. Its a skill necessary to every ND woman. Anyone who judges is a shit and isn't worth your time.

If it makes you feel better as well despite my tics being quite severe at times, I'm a student at a top RG uni, have a boyfriend, a great group of friends. I'm a lot of peoples idea of successful and most importantly I'm resilient because I didn't always have it easy and I know to not let other people bring me down.

Ok ok, I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m not trying to offend anyone. Please feel free to scroll on

I'm glad you posted this, I was worried about my daughter a while ago and started a thread but no one responded. My daughter's stims are slightly different, in that she flaps objects in front of her face and jumps up and down at the same time. She is four now and has been doing this since around age two and a half. She appears to be neurotypical otherwise. I was concerned that this was a stress behaviour but it just seems that she does it when she is excited or playing imaginatively. It's quirky but everyone is used to it now and it's just a part of her! As she's got older she is more self aware and doesn't do it at school.

Of course it’s not awful. No one “wants” their child to be autistic. We all want our children to have easy, carefree lives and autism makes that harder.

If she has it you’ll find a way to deal with it. 😊

Agree.

People should always challenge but it’s how it’s done. I don’t think from what I’ve read your way of explaining was rude.

some posters however have ignored the OPs genuine concerns and gone straight for the jugular.

it solves nothing and helps no one.

Haven’t read the whole thread @Donttellanyone1 , but wanted to reply. My younger sibling was a big ‘hand flapper’, used to be a bit of a family joke when she got excited (it was a long time ago!). She doesn’t consider herself ND. I am though, I know I showed far ‘stranger’ behaviour as a child and was usually just told off about it. I’m a parent of ND children myself, with various needs. Sometimes I find it hard to let them self regulate as they need (so much spinning!), but we have to understand how they let out feelings. So hand flapping by itself isn’t a sign of being autistic, but as long as it’s not harmful to themselves or others it’s best to let them do what makes them feel comfortable.

They’re not though. They’ve just touched a nerve with you because you have an autistic child. Maybe you feel people look at you and your child and worry what they think? You might worry for your child’s future. These thoughts are upsetting to you because they are all things you yourself have thought and are defensive about it.

Sorry but that's along the lines of "I'm not racist but...." "I'm not homophobic but...." Just because you're apparently not trying to offend doesn't mean you're not and you seem to have no problem repeating the same things people have pointed out as offensive.

What have I said that is so offensive now?

I hate being referred to as ‘an autistic’ or ‘the autistics’. Please just say autistic people or people with autism.

I've been brutally honest about my feelings, yes I should have been more tactful and sensitive about how I worded it, but nothing I’ve said has come from a place of malice. Perhaps a lack of education or understanding on the issue yes, but I’m certainly not trying to offend anyone. For some reason, people seem to be think I’m militantly anti-autistic which is frankly a ridiculous conclusion to draw from my posts. I’m a mother concerned for her children. Nothing more nothing less.

I haven't said either "an Autistic' or 'the Autistics', though have I? Personally, I ordinarily say "Autistic people" and would never say "People with Autism". 🤷🏼‍♀️

Haha so I have a few more years of this happy flapping ahead of me then? Thanks for sharing your experience with me. Did you ever have your son assessed or was it clear as he grew older that his ‘stims’ were not a product of ND?

The things which OP said and the ways in which she expressed herself belied some pretty deep prejudices against nd people. They are based in ignorance, lack of curiosity and perhaps lack of critical thinking, I don’t know. But I do need to challenge those sorts of prejudices when I see them because those are the things which will make it difficult for my daughter to live in this society as she grows up.

So in that sense, yes, you are absolutely correct that they touched a nerve. But I am not embarrassed or ashamed of my daughter. I have absolutely no need to be.

She is a wonderful, bright, empathetic, kind and sociable child, and I am very lucky to be her mother. ☺️

Definitely, that's just the way he is! 😊
There were no other behaviours indicating autism, so we never sought an assessment x

Bless him, he sounds like a real character. I also don’t want to put my daughter through an assessment if it’s not necessary, which is one of the reasons why I asked the question in the first place. I genuinely can’t think of any of her other behaviours that concern me, or raise questions, but I guess as time goes on, any issues will make themselves known. I just hate the wondering ‘what if’. I totally understand it’s not the end of the world, but I would rather know so I can understand her better and make sure she has the support she needs.

Tons of threads argue hugely about this. I use the term someone with autism, Im told that actually that is offensive and that the term is 'an autistic'.

So who's right, you or the people saying the opposite

I think people are just trying to bash the OP who is incredibly brave and needs to express what she feels. Thats ok.

I used to do this when I got excited. I grew out of it!