To tell parents I’m pregnant at 6 weeks?

[Fem1928374]

I’m 6 weeks pregnant with DC2, I already have a DS who has just turned 18 months and work full time so it’s full on. I’m suffering already with feeling exhausted and constant nausea/sickness.

My ILs are fantastic, they do 2 days childcare and help out whenever we need with DS. I know it would be super helpful if they knew I was pregnant as for example they would take DS to nursery 1 morning so I could sleep a bit longer or collect him from our house on their childcare days so I didn’t have to do the drop off feeling poorly. I would also like to tell my mum to have her support although she doesn’t live close by.

But DH is really reluctant and thinks it’s too soon. Wwyd? AIBU? I feel that if I miscarry I may need the support regardless.

This, maybe they have their own life and don't want to to keep on helping now you will be adding another one you need help with

We told my in laws at about 6 weeks pregnant with DD2 for basically the same reason.

It would have been fairly obvious (or if they didn’t think I was pregnant, they’d have started to worry I was seriously ill) because they also did a couple of days of childcare a week for us, and I was always in bed when they came to pick DD1 up.

I’m fairly ancient and I’ve never heard or thought that a miscarriage is in any way shameful. Of course it’s sad, and may be devastatingly sad,but the only reason I’ve ever known for not telling people too early, is to avoid ‘tempting fate’ and saddening relatives who may well have been happy and excited for you.
Might add that I was pretty devastated for a dd who twice told us very early on, but went on to have 2 fairly early misses, and was utterly distraught both times, before her first successful pregnancy.

You are aptly named.

What the hell? !!! It’s not about shame - it’s about sensibly not wanting to deal with lots of people when you’ve had a mc!!!

In my experience (3) the fewer people who know, the better. But my elder DC was 5/6/7 so I didn’t need help dealing with a toddler. It would make sense to tell DGPs if they’re sensible and reliable and helpful. In our case PIL only knew about the first mc. MIL’s response ensured she would not know about any others. The only person who knew about the third was my HoD.

I didn't keep it a secret for 12 weeks, not because of actively wanting support should the worst happen particularly but just because I saw no reason to actively not tell people. It was what was happening at the time so I told people, same as I would tell people if I had a new job or we were thinking of moving house or booking a holiday. Just general catch-up.

@LuluDelulu - who in earth thinks it’s shameful? Good lord.

I’m ancient and no one thought it was shameful in my lifetime. Sad, sure. Upsetting, sure. Shameful? Never.

I was very glad that I had told nobody when I miscarried at 12 weeks. Last thing I wanted was people feeling awkward and not knowing what to say. I also didn't want my family to be upset by seeing me being sad, so I just withdrew for a few weeks until I could put on a happy face again.

I told my parents at around that time, we had an early viability scan at around 6 weeks and we told them straight after. All was well and I'm snuggling my almost 7 month old now, but I'd have been fine with them knowing if I did unfortunately miscarry.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, but as someone who's partner has been through 2 miscarriages now at further along that this, I agree with your DH and would keep it quiet for now. Once you've told parents then you find yourself telling friends and other family and it just makes things even more difficult having to repeat the same info again and again if things don't go to plan. We have just started TTC again for a 3rd time and won't be telling anyone at all this time if we are successful.

Not for everyone. I preferred being able to talk about it with a range of people and found it far easier to tell people the pregnancy they already knew about had gone rather than that I'd had a miscarriage out of the blue.

It's very individual about how people find sharing both good and bad news. I also liked telling people early so I could do it with no fanfare. Very much a "I'm pregnant but it's early days so not getting excited yet" and changing the topic so the info was out there but didn't get people going on about it.

I don't see any reason why you wouldn't tell? I told my family and close friends as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It never occurred to me not to do so, and I certainly wasn't aware of some magical 12 week mark. I knew that if I had miscarried or been forced to terminate I wouldn't have kept it from them.
I didn't tell people at work until I started showing. That was because I wanted to be sure everything was proceeding smoothly, and also wanted to have an idea of my plans for how long I would take off work.

If you're able to pay, you should just about be able to detect a heartbeat at 6 weeks so maybe you could have a scan to reassure yourselves/your DH things are ok at this point before sharing.

The issue here is not whether or not you can tell your parents and in laws - you can tell them whenever you like. There's no rule that says it can only happen at a certain time and I'm always so confused by the fact that people find it hard to understand that one person might want to tell people from day 1 and others want to keep it quiet for weeks or months.

BUT, you do have a problem in that you and your DH are in disagreement. That is the bit that you have to navigate. This is one of those situations where I am sympathetic to a man who wants to have a say, but where ultimately I think it is MORE your decision. Having said that, there's a compelling argument that you get to decide for yOUR family and he gets to decide for HIS.

So basically, i don't have an actual answer but I am leaning towards you can tell people if you want, but it's not weird that he might be unhappy about that.

This. Used to be a fortnight' or more after you period was due that you could test. It was still common to take a urine sample to the GP to test when I had my eldest and they wouldn't even accept then until that time. Then a week for results so you would be 7 weeks before a confirmed pregnancy. TBH I don't see the benefits of testing a day after you due on. How does it make things more likely to go well

As for telling people that's entirely between you and your husband who and when you tell

I don't see anything wrong with telling close family and friends early if that's what you want, but in the case of your DH's parents I think he gets to have the final call on that one, the same as you do with your own family. I can't really imagine going against my partner's wishes and sharing something with his family that he'd rather I didn't yet.

What an unhelpful thing to say. I had a loss at 9 weeks and absolutely needed support. My body certainly didn't bounce back either. Your experience is not everyone's

Of course you should tell them. You would hardly keep it from them if you did miscarry so why the secrecy

Totally up to the two of you who you tell and when.

If they offer more childcare great, I personally wouldn't ask so they don't feel obliged when they are already helping you out.

I dare you to post that on some of the threads on the conception board…

Also I’m 6 weeks now but next week I’ll be 7, 8 etc. What’s the magical week when you can not feel upset about a miscarriage?

Wow my mum would be so upset if my brother did this!

From a selfish point of view we had a family
member announce while the stick was still wet and its was the worlds longest pregnancy felt she was pregnant for years. The excitement never came because it was sooo long. Selfish though I know and fully admit.

we told after 13 weeks for all.

I told my parents as soon as I found out with DD (who is an only). I had done the same previously and then gone on to miscarry twice- both times I’m glad I had told them as I needed the support after the miscarriages.
It didn’t even occur to me to delay telling my own parents or my sister

Well said 👏🏻

I told family approx 1 hour after I’d told DH.

I wanted to share my excitement. If anything had gone wrong I would not wanted to hide that either.