To want to speak to DS without his GF?

[nomorepanicattacks]

Is it rude and disrespectful to want to meet adult DS (24) without his GF to sort out and put aside a family difference of opinion? His gf is angry that dh and I want to meet ds alone to sort of reset otherwise harmonious relationship with ds after what was essentially a crossed wire misunderstanding. Would be happy to then also discuss things with both of them together if necessary but really want a family only meet up first. No history of fallouts with ds.

Suppose it depends a bit on the context. I mean, does this disagreement involve her? How do you know she’s angry? Could it be that he’s asked for her to be there?

It depends on the context. If it's about her I can see why she'd be concerned about you having a meeting to discuss her without her having the opportunity to contribute her side of things.

Issue doesn't involve her. I know she is angry because she told someone else who told me and ds hasn't asked for her to be there.

If your DS is happy to meet with you and your DH without her then she can be as angry as she wants. It's not really any of her business.

I think YABU to listen to gossip. GF hasn’t said to you she’s angry and you don’t know why. Maybe she’s feeling protective of your son in whatever this “misunderstanding” is and worried he won’t stand up for himself or be railroaded. Or maybe she’s said nothing and this mutual acquaintance is stirring the pot.

Is it the case that your DS is upset about something you have (or haven't) done?

Does a crossed wire really call for a family meeting? Let alone potentially 2 family meetings (the second one including the sons girlfriend?)

It's very hard to comment, really, without knowing the context. A simple misunderstanding with a close relative would surely just require an apology/ apologies?

As a PP commented, I would ignore the gossip that you have heard from the mutual person. Pretend you know nothing about your sons girlfriend being angry, it may not be true and no good will come of acting on this information, even if it is true and she is angry... far better to let that information slide.

Perhaps she means a family meet up rather than a formal minuted meeting.

YANBU to want to speak to him alone but YABU to expect it. He is 24 and can conduct his relationships as he sees fit, including his relationship with you. You don't have any rights to one-to-one time with him. You'll need to accept his choices and make the best of it. If you start trying to control his life, telling him what he can and can't do, you'll rightly alienate him. It's not your decision, it's his.

Of course you can arrange to meet up with your son. If his gf isn't happy about it they can sort it amongst themselves or if he wants her there he can tell you. I'd ignore third party, invite him and see what he says.

Really depends on the relationship. DH and I had been together 6 years and were engaged at 24. I would have been included in any family discussion. Less serious and it seems unnecessary, but surely it’s harmless including her unless you’re expecting her to influence your DS unduly (and in that case, there are bigger problems).

It’s really up to your son whether he wants his GF or not i would think.

although I think it’s controlling on the GF side if I’m honest: DH and I have been married almost 20 years and at various points I have lived with my in laws, but I still wouldn’t muscle in on any time my husband wanted alone with his parents

Ds said he is happy to meet up to clear the air and made no mention of wanting gf there as well

Just go ahead then.

Crossed wires requiring family meetings rather than a call or text? Must be some huge wires.

It’s up to him and her how they conduct their relationship but I wouldn’t rely on hear say as gospel either.

As long as not a backstory about the subject matter then why would some who's status is 'girlfriend' and at 24 be bothered about this. Do they live together? Not that is matters, I mean, I see my divorced parents without DH all of the time and he sees his Mum frequently without me.

Think meet up has been misinterpreted here. Just mean meeting for a coffee to talk face to face. Nothing as formal as has been implied here. Thanks for comments. Has helped to get outsiders' views on it

YANBU

@nomorepanicattacks His gf is angry that dh and I want to meet ds alone

^ If true, this is the real problem. If not now, it will be in the future.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I’d be more concerned about her insisting she’s present when a son meets up with his parents. That seems weird and controlling to me.

If it is a one off maybe OK, but if you continually want to see him without his girlfriend then not. I suspect it does involve her indirectly in some way, in which case she should be there.

Goodness, can a Mum not meet her own so at 24, I would find that bizarre as I think my eldest son would, he's not in his 20s but not far off.

Firstly, what's the problem with her being there? Do you have concerns that she's abusing your son or something?

Secondly, is your family always this dramatic? Fallings out that require a meeting to resolve, people having private conversations and then running off to stir things by telling other people?

You don't really know what your son's partner said or why she wants to be there. There's really no need for this level of fuss.

So, what's the problem? He's happy to meet you alone and hasn't asked for her to come along. Just meet them then.

Do they live together?

If so then she is HIS family and you saying only family is dangerous in being that MIL

If he cares about her and she is passionately angry why can’t she have the chat too ?

The gf sounds controlling,