To want to speak to DS without his GF?

[nomorepanicattacks]

Is it rude and disrespectful to want to meet adult DS (24) without his GF to sort out and put aside a family difference of opinion? His gf is angry that dh and I want to meet ds alone to sort of reset otherwise harmonious relationship with ds after what was essentially a crossed wire misunderstanding. Would be happy to then also discuss things with both of them together if necessary but really want a family only meet up first. No history of fallouts with ds.

Of course it’s fine. Just go ahead without her. I would just be prepared with a response to any comments your ds may make wrt to his gf being ‘excluded’. Something along the lines of you see how much she cares about him / is a lovely girl and sometimes it’s fine just to meet up without her and you’d expect her to be doing the same with her family.

Why do you assume it affects her when you've been told that it doesn't?

I would keep a thought that someone could be stiring the pot claiming she’s mad about it.

Since ds hasn’t mentioned it and you’ve not heard it from the horses mouth.

Could even be a “Eugh Op wants to drag on this silly little drama and now BF has to go to this bloody coffee thing about it just them” rather than madness or even wanting to be there.

Not only is it OK, but it’s quite controlling of her to expect to be included.

I agree with that.

OP, if the disagreement has nothing to do with the girlfriend personally (though I understand she will be supportive of him, whatever the circumstances, that is natural), you are not unreasonable at all. I do hope you manage to sort it out, good luck.

I don’t necessarily agree because it depends on what the issue is. We live abroad but my spouse had to have a family meeting last year about an issue I knew about but didn’t really involve me. He had the meeting in a room via WhatsApp video call with the family, I didn’t insist I have to be in the room with them. I knew what the topic was about so it’s not like they are hiding things from me but there was no reason or need for me to be on the call.

If we were in the UK and he needed to have the meeting in person I would be fine for home to go to his parents and meet with them and his siblings.

Because they are married or living together doesn’t mean she has to be involved in every conversation or meeting the family has and vice versa. Obviously she will know what is going on through her partner.

GF sounds controlling.

Assuming she is his long term/live together partner, I think it’s probably unwise to exclude her.

Why?

Just meet him, she doesn't have to be in on everything, doesn't she sometimes meet family members without him? So stiffling!

I think its between them.

All you've heard is rumours.

So I'd make the plan with your son, if he wants to include i assume either he will bring her or ask to include her

I’ve not had similar but DH & I regularly see our own families without the other.

If there was an issue in either family we’d not expect to be involved in the resolution unless we were specifically involved.

Sounds like your DIL is marking territory and I don’t have time for that bollocks.

Her feelings are her own business.
Is the misunderstanding anything to do with her?

I'm a 'yabu' because I've had issues with my parents in the past and have needed my OH there for balance and also to prevent the two against one dynamic.
If he wants his life partner there, I would encourage that.

Oh my goodness, you welcome your child and their partner should be just as welcome. I'm shocked you exclude the most significant person in your child's life.

why can’t you call and clear the air? Does it have to be 1:1/meet up. Sounds dramatic. My parents just tend to call me if there is something they need to discuss- pleasant or otherwise…,

I agree with previous posters that the girlfriend sounds controlling.

If she is angry at not being involved in a family matter that doesn't concern her, I'd see that as rather controlling, and be a bit worried.