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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won’t reach out to his daughter

62 replies

MrsPicklalott · 22/04/2025 20:45

Hi,

DP and I have been together for 4 years, he has one biological child, she’s 25 now. When we met she was living abroad, we believe in Lebanon or Jordan. She met a man from wherever she moved to at 18 while at uni, dropped out and moved with him, converted to Islam etc. She cut all ties with DP and her mum.

We found out recently she has moved back, some things aren’t clear, we know she has multiple children, we know she is back in her home town and we know she is heavily involved with the church in the town (maybe working for them we aren’t sure). We only know this as my DP still has a friend in the town (he left the town when we met). We aren’t clear on many things such as where the man she married is, if they are still married etc. We don’t know how many children she has or their ages etc. All we know from this friend is she is working for the church (Catholic) so we assume no longer practicing Islam and has children with her.

I’ve begged DP to reach out, I’ve found a Facebook page of hers which seems to have been last used in 2024 so she may still be using it. Otherwise we know the church she seems to be involved with and can go up and try and find her.

I have adult children of my own and I can’t imagine ever being in a position where this is the predicament but if I were I’d be on the first train to them and holding them so tight.

My DP is reluctant saying she would have reached out if she wanted to, and we need to give her space.

AIBU to be upset he hasn’t reached out? Should he?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 20:48

I’m guessing you don’t know the whole story about why she cut ties.

AgnesX · 22/04/2025 20:50

I think you should leave well alone. Undoubtedly there's a back story that you're unaware of.

If she wanted her children to meet their grandparents and rebuild her relationship with her father then she would.

Original poster
MrsPicklalott · 22/04/2025 20:55

Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 20:48

I’m guessing you don’t know the whole story about why she cut ties.

He claims there is nothing more than her changing religions and leaving the country, I have no reason not to believe him.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 20:57

If my kids changed religion and moved away I wouldn’t cut contact. That doesn’t ring slightly true for me.

Original poster
MrsPicklalott · 22/04/2025 20:58

Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 20:57

If my kids changed religion and moved away I wouldn’t cut contact. That doesn’t ring slightly true for me.

He claims she cut contact not the other way and he had no way of reaching out after that.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 22/04/2025 20:58

This is for your partner to decide, OP, not you. Whilst you may disagree with him, it's really none of your business and you have to respect his choices.

HorsesDuvets · 22/04/2025 21:00

Is your DP a member of The Four Tops?

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 22/04/2025 21:02

It sounds a very complex situation.
It's ultimately up to him. I don't think you should pressure him to do anything, or be upset at him for his reluctance. I'd imagine there is a lot more to this than a religion change. DH has no contact at all with his mum and hasn't for over 20 years. Some may judge him on the surface for that, but there are many reasons he won't discuss and he finds it difficult and upsetting to discuss that even with me. It's easy to say that you'd be straight over if it was your child, but you haven't been in the situation.

Dingdong62 · 22/04/2025 21:03

You’re being really inappropriate about this. Why are you begging him into getting in contact with her? It’s nothing to do with you. This reeks of do gooding.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 22/04/2025 21:05

Dingdong62 · 22/04/2025 21:03

You’re being really inappropriate about this. Why are you begging him into getting in contact with her? It’s nothing to do with you. This reeks of do gooding.

Agreed.

She's not your daughter OP.

Leave well alone and if she wants to find her dad she will.

Fargo79 · 22/04/2025 21:08

It's not for you to get involved in. Why are you "begging" him?

That said, I would have major, major reservations about any parent who did nothing to contact their child in these circumstances. Or pretty much any circumstances. If my child changed religion, married a stranger (to me) and cut ties, I'd be so desperate to see them, worried sick and in complete emotional agony every day. If I found any kind of information regarding their whereabouts I would be doing everything within my power to contact them. Why isn't your partner?

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/04/2025 21:08

Your idea that this is in any way your decision to make is really quite staggering.

I'd like you to stop saying "reach/ing out", but that's your decision and really none of my business.

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:09

This would make me very suspicious of him. I would be very concerned if that was my daughter. I think there is either more to the story or he is just a shit dad, and that would put me right off him.

CarlyCoffee · 22/04/2025 21:09

There absolutely has to be more to this. A normal
parent would be absolutely desperate if their daughter moved away and cut them off.

Fargo79 · 22/04/2025 21:11

Cynic17 · 22/04/2025 20:58

This is for your partner to decide, OP, not you. Whilst you may disagree with him, it's really none of your business and you have to respect his choices.

Edited

I agree that it's none of her business and she shouldn't be trying to involve herself. However she absolutely doesn't have to "respect his choices". I wouldn't be with a man who couldn't be arsed with his own kids. It's not a decision I would respect.

User37482 · 22/04/2025 21:12

Yeah I wouldn’t understand it either, if my DD upped sticks and then reappeared with children I’d be trying to get in touch asap. I know DH would be the same. However you can’t make him do anything. There may be stuff you don’t know about their relationship, tbh I just think a lot of dads out there are a bit shit and just can’t be arsed with their kids sometimes.

NotaCoolMum · 22/04/2025 21:15

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:09

This would make me very suspicious of him. I would be very concerned if that was my daughter. I think there is either more to the story or he is just a shit dad, and that would put me right off him.

I’m guessing you know zero about Radicalisation

XWKD · 22/04/2025 21:16

If she cut off her family, respect her wishes.

sandrevolutionary · 22/04/2025 21:16

He's scared she'll reject him and it will reopen old wounds?

W0tnow · 22/04/2025 21:19

Absolutely I would encourage him to reach out. A message saying “I love you and I’ve missed you” surely can’t hurt.

ACynicalDad · 22/04/2025 21:20

In her position I can imagine being really embarrassed and not reaching out, perhaps get an intermediary (maybe this friend) to go to her church and say he would love her to reach out but won't push anything and will respect her decision unless she gives a signal she wants him to contact her or makes contact herself. Could even give her his number - just in case she hasn't got it anymore.

Busted2006 · 22/04/2025 21:24

Sadly I know a similar story. There may not be much more to it on her parents side. The man she married might of told her to cut ties with them.

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 21:24

I would my partner wasn’t doing anything to reach out to his dd in those circumstances, it would completely change the way I see him tbh.

Yes she cut ties.
But she is back her THEIR home town. She might well have thought he was still living there. He could easily drop her a message to say his door is still and always open and to contact him xxxx number.

luckylavender · 22/04/2025 21:26

HorsesDuvets · 22/04/2025 21:00

Is your DP a member of The Four Tops?

🙄

rwalker · 22/04/2025 21:30

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:09

This would make me very suspicious of him. I would be very concerned if that was my daughter. I think there is either more to the story or he is just a shit dad, and that would put me right off him.

She cut all ties including her mum think it was down to religious reasons rather than than shit parents