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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won’t reach out to his daughter

62 replies

MrsPicklalott · 22/04/2025 20:45

Hi,

DP and I have been together for 4 years, he has one biological child, she’s 25 now. When we met she was living abroad, we believe in Lebanon or Jordan. She met a man from wherever she moved to at 18 while at uni, dropped out and moved with him, converted to Islam etc. She cut all ties with DP and her mum.

We found out recently she has moved back, some things aren’t clear, we know she has multiple children, we know she is back in her home town and we know she is heavily involved with the church in the town (maybe working for them we aren’t sure). We only know this as my DP still has a friend in the town (he left the town when we met). We aren’t clear on many things such as where the man she married is, if they are still married etc. We don’t know how many children she has or their ages etc. All we know from this friend is she is working for the church (Catholic) so we assume no longer practicing Islam and has children with her.

I’ve begged DP to reach out, I’ve found a Facebook page of hers which seems to have been last used in 2024 so she may still be using it. Otherwise we know the church she seems to be involved with and can go up and try and find her.

I have adult children of my own and I can’t imagine ever being in a position where this is the predicament but if I were I’d be on the first train to them and holding them so tight.

My DP is reluctant saying she would have reached out if she wanted to, and we need to give her space.

AIBU to be upset he hasn’t reached out? Should he?

OP posts:

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:35

NotaCoolMum · 22/04/2025 21:15

I’m guessing you know zero about Radicalisation

Show quote history

What leads you to think that? I know plenty about radicalisation which is why I said I would be very concerned if that was my daughter.

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:39

rwalker · 22/04/2025 21:30

She cut all ties including her mum think it was down to religious reasons rather than than shit parents

Show quote history

He says she cut all ties and moved to another country at 18, which although an adult is a very vulnerable age and very young to be getting married and moving to another country. If you knew how to contact your child after that had happened would you not do it?

ARichtGoodDram · 22/04/2025 21:42

Does your DP still live in the same place or work in the same place? In other words is he easily found?

Has he considered that the person from the church who told him his daughter was there may have done so at her request?

As someone who went NC with family it is annoying when people repeatedly ignore your wishes for that. However, one contact giving his current contact details should she ever wish to get in touch isn't OTT in the situation you've described.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 22/04/2025 21:49

I think people have been quick to label him as the shit parent rather than a person who I'd imagine was extremely hurt and traumatised by his child running off to another country, changing religion and never speaking to him again. The fear of trying for contact and being rejected again is real. DH has a nervous breakdown and lost 4 stone over a similar situation (not with a child). It's easy to say 'oh I'd do this and that and be straight over holding them' etc but it's rarely that simple.
I've seen threads here where posters have been very stressed over unwanted contact with people they've asked to leave them alone (particularly parents). Imagine turning up at the Church and causing huge upset? The impact it would potentially have on her, the children, the dad? She might have no desire at all for her dad to be straight over.
He may choose to reach out eventually. He may not. It is his choice though. If you want to split with him over that decision, that's your choice.

Factsandfeelings · 22/04/2025 21:51

Stay out of it, it’s none of your business.

Original poster

MrsPicklalott · 22/04/2025 21:51

ARichtGoodDram · 22/04/2025 21:42

Does your DP still live in the same place or work in the same place? In other words is he easily found?

Has he considered that the person from the church who told him his daughter was there may have done so at her request?

No he’s moved about 3 hours away and other than this one person has no contacts in the town now.

I have no reason to think he doesn’t love her, for a time he thought she was in Beirut and worried massively about that.

OP posts:

ARichtGoodDram · 22/04/2025 22:09

No he’s moved about 3 hours away and other than this one person has no contacts in the town now.

I have no reason to think he doesn’t love her, for a time he thought she was in Beirut and worried massively about that.

In that situation I'd be very disappointed in him if he didn't make one, not face-to-face, effort to let her know where he is and how she can contact him.

Does he have any contact with his ex wife? Is she aware their daughter is back in the home town.

NotaCoolMum · 22/04/2025 22:45

JLou08 · 22/04/2025 21:35

What leads you to think that? I know plenty about radicalisation which is why I said I would be very concerned if that was my daughter.

Show quote history

I’m sure he is concerned but maybe he’s letting her come to him in her own time. Maybe he recognises that she’s most likely been traumatised and he doesn’t want to push her too hard.

Jollyjoy · 23/04/2025 12:17

I’d be struggling with this too, and seeing my partner differently. Unfortunately it’s a phenomenon seen with some dads that’s much more rare among women; to decide not to strive for your children to know your love. It’s ok to worry and fret about her, but that’s about him
isnt it? That’s not love. I think a pp above who cited the fear of rejection being a big factor is right in how this affects men. I wouldn’t agree with the pp that we should cut any slack because of this though - like you say OP most women wouldn’t give a shit about the potential rejection as long as they could communicate to their child how precious they are and that they will always be there for them. Some dads are like that too, but sadly too many behave like your DP.

Original poster

MrsPicklalott · 23/04/2025 18:55

ARichtGoodDram · 22/04/2025 22:09

No he’s moved about 3 hours away and other than this one person has no contacts in the town now.

I have no reason to think he doesn’t love her, for a time he thought she was in Beirut and worried massively about that.

In that situation I'd be very disappointed in him if he didn't make one, not face-to-face, effort to let her know where he is and how she can contact him.

Does he have any contact with his ex wife? Is she aware their daughter is back in the home town.

He spoke to his ex wife today and she has heard that she is back, has 4 children and is back permanently. She said she hasn’t been able to speak to her but has been told by one person that the marriage broke down and by another that her husband sent her back but they are still married so we are less sure now than before!

He still doesn’t want to try and contact her which is really unsettling to me!

OP posts:

calmingpompoms · 23/04/2025 18:59

This would put me off him.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 23/04/2025 19:02

Is he not worried about what his daughter has gone through and whether she might need support?

Not a very loving dad is he?

justasking111 · 23/04/2025 19:09

Is her mother still in the same town, or contactable on social media?

Original poster

MrsPicklalott · 23/04/2025 19:12

justasking111 · 23/04/2025 19:09

Is her mother still in the same town, or contactable on social media?

No but her mother is closer (an hour away maybe) and her mum has Facebook.

OP posts:

PassingStranger · 23/04/2025 19:16

BlueTitShark · 22/04/2025 21:24

I would my partner wasn’t doing anything to reach out to his dd in those circumstances, it would completely change the way I see him tbh.

Yes she cut ties.
But she is back her THEIR home town. She might well have thought he was still living there. He could easily drop her a message to say his door is still and always open and to contact him xxxx number.

Perhaps the door is not open
It's his choice

ViaBlue · 23/04/2025 19:19

Maybe he feels she should be the one reaching out after she cut all contact....

bigboykitty · 23/04/2025 19:23

rwalker · 22/04/2025 21:30

She cut all ties including her mum think it was down to religious reasons rather than than shit parents

Show quote history

Oh okay. Thanks for explaining. 🤦🏻‍♀️

bigboykitty · 23/04/2025 19:27

Your partner's attitude is a cause for concern. Obviously it's not uncommon for fathers to feel that they don't have to take any responsibility or that the child should be the one to initiate contact. It's not appropriate to encourage or pressurise him. Pretty poor though, isn't it?

BeeCucumber · 23/04/2025 19:27

Let your DP make contact.

Sassybooklover · 23/04/2025 19:39

It sounds as if your DP's daughter met and married a man, that pressurised her into cutting contact with her family. She was then isolated from her family and stuck in another country, probably married to a man, who turned out not to be the man she thought he was. It may be that she's come home, with her children and hasn't got in contact with her parents because she feels embarrassed and ashamed. She may be worried her parents hate her for cutting them out of her life, and has no idea how to mend fences. Yes, in an ideal world, your partner should try and contact his daughter, and let her know he loves her, is worried and is there for her if she needs him. However, your partner could be scared she's going to reject him, all over again, and it's a case of self preservation, rather than him not caring. Ultimately, all you can do is encourage your partner, but the decision is solely his to make.

Foodoverload · 23/04/2025 20:26

My DP has not seen his daughter in 3 years. Not his choice and he doesn’t know why. He used to see her weekly and helped her with her bills when she was at uni. He helped her move in with boyfriend after uni and the she stopped contacting him. He has reached out many times and silence. Last time he saw her it was all fine.

He is hurt and doesn’t know what to do. Said he’d would accept it if he knew a reason. He had gone to her flat but they moved. Facebook is the only way he knows what she is doing.

but DP has not spoken to his mum for about 10 years. She tries to chat to him but he is not interested. He says she betrayed him and doesn’t want to talk about it. Seems a family trait

Christwosheds · 23/04/2025 21:32

ACynicalDad · 22/04/2025 21:20

In her position I can imagine being really embarrassed and not reaching out, perhaps get an intermediary (maybe this friend) to go to her church and say he would love her to reach out but won't push anything and will respect her decision unless she gives a signal she wants him to contact her or makes contact herself. Could even give her his number - just in case she hasn't got it anymore.

I agree with this.

123EndOfRope67 · 23/04/2025 21:34

I'd be very disappointed in him. It really says a lot about him.

justasking111 · 23/04/2025 21:52

I'd respect the privacy of a 25 year old woman with children. You really have no idea of her life between the age of 18 and 25. It might have been very difficult.

She can reach out to her mother through FB. But hasn't.

We have friends whose daughter did this. Went out to the middle east. Met and married had children. Her parents have money so the daughter, husband and family came here when they bought a house for them to live in. BUT they still tread very carefully in case they lose her again.

healthybychristmas · 24/04/2025 00:23

He wouldn't be the man for me. I appreciate he has to respect her decision but he hasn't given her the choice to decide right now. Everything in her life has changed since she stopped contact and he has moved away. If he wasn't desperate to contact her and tell her that he was there for her then I would lose respect for him.

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