Boyfriend and money- weighing on my mind

[Phillipconnarthy]

I own a small 1 bed terrace and live on my own, earn around 29.5k a year and have just taken on a second job to earn more.

Have been with my boyfriend for around a year. He moved back in with his Mum to save money for a deposit and has saved quite a bit. He pays her rent but I reckon it's only around half of what I pay in total if that, and he earns a bit more than me, not tons, but definitely a few K more a year.

I have a driving licence but don't own a car, he doesn't have his licence yet. We're in a city so transport is good luckily, we've said we'd like to move in together eventually.

The problem is from mine to his it's a 1h15 commute each way, compared to 5 mins bus atm and I'm not sure he'd want to do that twice a day? My commute in comparison is a 30 minute walk.

I've only owned this flat for 1 year and just not sure what to do or where we'd live?
The other issue is that I feel he has more expensive tastes. He wants to go out for food a couple of times a week and I just can't afford it. Sometimes he says he needs to cut back too. Try to compromise and cook at home and so on.
He stays with me 2 or 3 nights a week. I'll admit sometimes I feel resentful, I don't know why. I haven't formally asked if he'd like to move in here, I'm worried he'll say no and then what we could do.
I also feel like I go on about needing to save and cut back, like it must be boring to be in a relationship with someone droning on about that. However I think going out to eat is a luxury, dates are not cheap at all but then what fun would it be to never go out?

How old are you? Is there any rush to move in together?

About the expensive tastes, take it in turns to plan dates and on your turns, mostly host and cook?

But you can sack it off for any reason, including just not being that into him.

I'm 34 and he's 35. And no there's no rush but it would be nice to, and I'd eventually like to start a family. The location thing just worries me.
I feel like he has a lot more disposable income to play with, I know that's just life and I'm certainly not saying he should pay, but cinema tickets and meals cost so much, it can easily be nearly £100 for an evening out.

If he's staying with you 2/3 nights a week then he should already be contributing.

Sorry i meant from mine to his workplace* if he were to move in

Do you think? I mean some weeks it's only 2 but definitely up to 3 many weeks. I'd feel awkward asking for a contribution and don't know how I'd measure it or what to ask for us such, but I do agree.

Absolutely. The fact he hasn't offered and that you don't feel comfortable enough to ask isn't a good sign.

I mean I don't think in terms of bills it's making a massive difference, as the electricity and heating are the same and he sometimes showers at home.

I don't know, I think sometimes it's just a lack of consideration that I have much higher outgoings than he does and earn less.

OP he absolutely should be contributing by paying for food, treats if he is at you nearly half the week.

He's tight OP and they make the worst partners.
No wonder he has money, he pays his mother little and stays with you nearly half the week.

Don't be used OP.

He needs to get his own place. He should be contributing for his food, if he drinks alcohol he needs to pay for this, when he’s at yours.

He absolutely should be contributing. It doesn’t have to be by cash. He could pay for most dates or buy takeaway at least once a week or turn up with groceries and wine.

Id also expect him to be assisting with cooking and cleaning up.

That’s just basic manners. It’s what you would do if you stayed a weekend with a friend. Why should you put up with someone who doesn’t have basic manners. I’d rethink this relationship

He should be paying for every meal out to counterbalance the fact you’re always hosting. Or he needs to formally contribute. Either way. If he’s making you split the bill he’s a massive tightarse!

Thanks, he does pay for 50% of our dates, I just thinking eating out more than once a week is excessive, I wish I could instead of washing up and so on but I just can't afford it.

He does pay for takeaways at mine too or I cook for us. He's never washed up or offered money though.

Sorry should've said we take it in turns to pay for dates and stuff. I cook for him here every couple of weeks and he's never turned up with a dessert or anything, not sure if that's expecting too much?

I'm not sure what to do..I don't want to be that person who's always like oh I can't afford xyz. As I know that's draining to be around, but at the same time I'm not a millionaire, how many people can do expensive activities and restaurants every week?

Bet his not paying his mum rent. Bet she thinks he’s living at yours and just coming back and staying with her.

Good point. She’ll be doing his washing and food shopping. What a cushy life. He needs to grow up.

Has he bought food shopping when he’s at yours?

No, I mean it's tricky as sometimes he only really comes here to sleep, like he'll arrive at 8pm then leave at 8am and will be straight from work.
I know he does his own chores at home but I do some washing for him here too.
I don't mind that but the contributing thing is really sticking with me now. He's made a lovely effort at Christmas, for my birthday and so on but on a day to day basis he's not the sort to bring round a box of chocolates or anything.

Jeez, he doesn't help wash up, or bring dessert? And you want kids with him? Raise your bar a bit. Your expectations are too low.

What would he contribute to your household if he did move in?

Edit; AND you do laundry for him?!? 8pm-8am sounds like a booty call.

Some washing ! - stop this right away. You are not his cleaner. At 8pm does he bring food for dinner? For breakfast what does he have? He needs to contribute food and do his own clothes washing. If you stayed at his mums would you expect him to do some washing and provide all meals? I think you’d bring something nice round, probably organise a take away and not dump your washing for him to tackle.

Your updates make it clear he’s really not contributing as he should be. I’d bin him off

You are fundamentally not on the same page. You are a saver whereas he is aspender who procures a fair proportion of his spending money by scrounging.

Attitudes to money tend to be ingrained. He won't change. You'd be better off finding a life partner who is on your wavelength

I've met his Mum and we've had tea there, but I've never stayed over as he says there's just not enough space.
He does pay for some takeaway when he comes here. I'm probably a bit resentful that I have to clean the house top to bottom every time he comes, get all the shopping in and so on and he just has to rock up, but it's never returned.

I hear you. He sounds like a hassle. Refuse to do his washing. He should recognise you welcoming him as your guest.

On your wage ( and his) eating out twice a week is too much and not necessary.

Foes he buy groceries / wine when he is staying with you?