Boyfriend and money- weighing on my mind

[Phillipconnarthy]

I own a small 1 bed terrace and live on my own, earn around 29.5k a year and have just taken on a second job to earn more.

Have been with my boyfriend for around a year. He moved back in with his Mum to save money for a deposit and has saved quite a bit. He pays her rent but I reckon it's only around half of what I pay in total if that, and he earns a bit more than me, not tons, but definitely a few K more a year.

I have a driving licence but don't own a car, he doesn't have his licence yet. We're in a city so transport is good luckily, we've said we'd like to move in together eventually.

The problem is from mine to his it's a 1h15 commute each way, compared to 5 mins bus atm and I'm not sure he'd want to do that twice a day? My commute in comparison is a 30 minute walk.

I've only owned this flat for 1 year and just not sure what to do or where we'd live?
The other issue is that I feel he has more expensive tastes. He wants to go out for food a couple of times a week and I just can't afford it. Sometimes he says he needs to cut back too. Try to compromise and cook at home and so on.
He stays with me 2 or 3 nights a week. I'll admit sometimes I feel resentful, I don't know why. I haven't formally asked if he'd like to move in here, I'm worried he'll say no and then what we could do.
I also feel like I go on about needing to save and cut back, like it must be boring to be in a relationship with someone droning on about that. However I think going out to eat is a luxury, dates are not cheap at all but then what fun would it be to never go out?

Why are you doing his washing? He can bag it up and take it home with him.

Why do you have to clean the house top to bottom? Does he insist or make remarks if you don't? Or do you mean cleaning up after him because he doesn't do it?

Check out the Checklist for Gender Equality in Your Everyday Life (from Skåne local authority in Sweden), you could fill it in together to see how your potential living together would work out.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that yes, it is draining and dull to be around someone who goes on about not being able to afford anything, especially in early dating. It should be about having fun, interesting dates and literally going out with each other - bars, restaurants, cinema, maybe travelling together. His expectations of dating are actually very normal - I’ve never heard of anyone charging a boyfriend or girlfriend for crashing at theirs a couple of nights a week. What else is he supposed to do - have sex then go home straight after? And what, not dare shower lest it bump up your energy bill by a couple of pounds?

There are things he could do better - bringing a bottle of wine if you’re cooking for him, for example - but you need to just tell him. It’s not necessarily a sign that he’s tight, it may not have crossed his mind.

Overall I think you might just be incompatible. He’s relaxed about money and you’re not. It won’t get easier if you move in together.

OP, doing his washing??
Ffs are you out of your mind?
What on earth are you doing.
You cook and he brings nothing?
He stays?
You clean and shop and its never returned?

You are a complete mug making a skivvy out of yourself.
Find self respect or you will end up with the dregs.

He should be taking you away for a night every month to compensate.

But why would he when you allow yourself to give give give.

Very very foolish.
You have a tight taker.

Well he should really be helping you out a bit more when he comes round - with the cooking and cleaning up. You probably shouldn't be doing his laundry. But beyond that I don't think he ought to be contributing financially.

However, you're 34 and would like to start a family but "there's no rush"? You need to get a move on laying the foundations, else it'll be too late before you know it. If you think this bloke might be the one, hurry up with living together, so you can be totally sure before committing to kids with him. If you're not careful, you'll be late 30's and either still in this same 2 night a week arrangement, or you'll have tried living together an possibly realised he's not the one.

If he was to move in, get a legal agreement drawn up to protect your assets.

If you’re resentful now, it will only increase by a million if and when you have children

I never washed so much as a boyfriends shirt 35 years ago when I was dating and had my own flat.
Too much bloody respect for myself.

Reading MN I swear some women are going backwards.
My boyfriends stay at mine and paid for dinner.
Basic manners.
They brought flowers, a cake, definitely wine if they came to dinner.
Because they weren't tight.

No wonder he has money.
He leaves the dirty business of paying bills to his mother and foolish girlfriend.

Please wake up OP.
You are being used.
Far too convenient.

Sorry but of course he's going to be more relaxed when he has more income and about half the outgoings I have!

Tell him when he stays with you to bring a M&S meal for two with wine every time he visits. It’s not just about the money it’s the effort and preparation time too.

If it was me I wouldn’t even be thinking about the next steps yet and if you want him to stay less then tell him.

I don’t understand why you’re doing all the cooking and also all the washing up, and also his laundry. Why isn’t he cooking and washing up? What is he doing whilst you’re doing all these chores around him? How have you ended up doing his laundry?

I wash our dinner plates and he usually sits and watches telly, to be fair he maybe has asked once if I need help, I said no and he hasn't asked since.
I should just ask him next time and see how he reacts.

It’s just hard to get my head around this. It’s so disrespectful to sit back and let you do everything. I think you need to start again with a new bf and set some better standards at the outset.

Its actually unbelievable.
Hes a lazy selfish tight man child who lives with his mum.

And you think he might be father material?
Not a chance he is.

Honestly OP, he sounds like a bit of a man-child. Of course he's "generous at Christmas" etc now, because why wouldn't he be? But sounds like he has a few flaws when it comes to being considerate / doing his fair share / being able to look after himself. These might become more apparent, once you move in fully or have children together.

At the very least, if you are considering him as a life partner, you should be able to have an open and honest conversation about your expectations / finances / feelings. I really hope he pleasantly surprises you x

I dont think eating out twice a week is excessive for a couple with no children to think about, unless you are going to very expensive places.

You need to say exactly this to him. some people who don’t own properties on their own don’t understand all the related outgoings ( aside from the mortgage) and that they are all on you

I didn’t until I bought a place on my own

I would expect not to pay in restaurants if I were hosting at mine 3 nights a week. Id say that to him too: since I pay when we are at mine, when we go out you should pay. See how he responds, will be interesting. Also will stop him wanting to eat out so much. He has all this extra money because you and his mum are subsidising him. Dont think for a second he doesnt know this btw, they always know, its a cushy wee number for him.

I told him what i pay for everything and he said his flat with his ex cost more than double that, so i don't feel like he sees it as a big deal 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to have a proper chat with him about all this. Tell him straight you can’t afford to eat out twice a week because you pay rent and bills by yourself, as well as all the food shopping. Remind him that he earns more than you and has none of these outgoings.
I wouldn’t be expecting him to contribute towards rent and bills for staying three nights a week, but I also certainly wouldn’t be doing his laundry and doing all the cooking and cleanings. To balance out his sleepovers, he should be paying every time you eat out, and bringing food with him.

When my boyfriend and I got together, we both rented separate flats. For the first year we stayed at each others once a week or so. Then after a year, we weren’t quite ready to move in, but felt we were wasting money on two lots of rent, so he gave up his flat and moved back with his parents, but then stayed at mine 4/5 nights a week. He didn’t give me money for rent or bills but he paid for absolutely everything when we went out. Meals, cinema, concerts, holidays etc etc. And he also did all the food shopping and cooking and washing up the nights he was there. And was able to save more than me for a deposit on our house, so when we paid for that he contributed way more to the house deposit but we are equal owners, as he knows he was only able to save/contribute more to the house because he stayed with me a lot rent free. We live together now and everything is 50/50.

What’s that got to do with you? He knows the costs but sounds like he’s happy to have a cheap deal going.

He really doesn’t sound like a great guy 🥴

He sounds a bit selfish. He is aware he has more disposal income, he hasn't offered to pay any extra knowing that you are struggling.

Why do you have to clean the place top to bottom? Or do his laundry?

If you want children you need to accelerate your relationship or end it, you don't have time to wait another year and see where things go.

At this point your eggs are pretty much in this basket so you need to be a bit more direct with your communication amd making a plan for amlife together. X