Page 3 | Boyfriend and money- weighing on my mind

Phillipconnarthy · 2025-04-21T20:28:38+00:00

I own a small 1 bed terrace and live on my own, earn around 29.5k a year and have just taken on a second job to earn more. Have been with my boyfriend for around a year. He moved back in with his Mum to save money for a deposit and has saved quite a bit. He pays her rent but I reckon it's only around half of what I pay in total if that, and he earns a bit more than me, not tons, but definitely a few K more a year. I have a driving licence but don't own a car, he doesn't have his licence yet. We're in a city so transport is good luckily, we've said we'd like to move in together eventually. The problem is from mine to his it's a 1h15 commute each way, compared to 5 mins bus atm and I'm not sure he'd want to do that twice a day? My commute in comparison is a 30 minute walk. I've only owned this flat for 1 year and just not sure what to do or where we'd live? The other issue is that I feel he has more expensive tastes. He wants to go out for food a couple of times a week and I just can't afford it. Sometimes he says he needs to cut back too. Try to compromise and cook at home and so on. He stays with me 2 or 3 nights a week. I'll admit sometimes I feel resentful, I don't know why. I haven't formally asked if he'd like to move in here, I'm worried he'll say no and then what we could do. I also feel like I go on about needing to save and cut back, like it must be boring to be in a relationship with someone droning on about that. However I think going out to eat is a luxury, dates are not cheap at all but then what fun would it be to never go out?

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 21/04/2025 23:38

Don't become his surrogate mummy and you pick up where his mummy left off when he's with you.

Volpini · 21/04/2025 23:39

Crushed23 · 21/04/2025 22:43

I’m going to go against the grain and say that yes, it is draining and dull to be around someone who goes on about not being able to afford anything, especially in early dating. It should be about having fun, interesting dates and literally going out with each other - bars, restaurants, cinema, maybe travelling together. His expectations of dating are actually very normal - I’ve never heard of anyone charging a boyfriend or girlfriend for crashing at theirs a couple of nights a week. What else is he supposed to do - have sex then go home straight after? And what, not dare shower lest it bump up your energy bill by a couple of pounds?

There are things he could do better - bringing a bottle of wine if you’re cooking for him, for example - but you need to just tell him. It’s not necessarily a sign that he’s tight, it may not have crossed his mind.

Overall I think you might just be incompatible. He’s relaxed about money and you’re not. It won’t get easier if you move in together.

He’s relaxed about money because he’s living off other people. OP included.
if he is like this when dating, what on earth would he be like to live with? Other people are supposed to enrich our lives: OP is enriching his. What actually is he doing to enrich hers?

uncomfortablydumb60 · 22/04/2025 00:14

Bloody hell. He just wants an easy life
Selfish too.. He’s too immature for you
You deserve better.

NewHere25 · 22/04/2025 00:19

So he has previously offered to help with washing up etc and you’ve declined?
He only stays 8-8? Why would he have to contribute to anything?
Hes generous with birthday and Christmas gifts and pays 50% of dates, that’s hardly tight.
Not bringing something when you prepare a dinner is perhaps a flaw but a typical male oversight. Also assuming he doesn’t ask nor expect you to clean the house top to bottom for him staying a couple nights a week
Im sorry but unless I’m missing something I’d say you’re the one with the issue here

Hysterectomynext · 22/04/2025 00:21

I don’t like the sound of him. I think don’t waste more time if he’s not doing it for you

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 22/04/2025 02:26

NewHere25 · 22/04/2025 00:19

So he has previously offered to help with washing up etc and you’ve declined?
He only stays 8-8? Why would he have to contribute to anything?
Hes generous with birthday and Christmas gifts and pays 50% of dates, that’s hardly tight.
Not bringing something when you prepare a dinner is perhaps a flaw but a typical male oversight. Also assuming he doesn’t ask nor expect you to clean the house top to bottom for him staying a couple nights a week
Im sorry but unless I’m missing something I’d say you’re the one with the issue here

That’s a pretty low bar. She’s looking for a spouse, someone to have children with. They’re mid-30s.

butternutsquashed · 22/04/2025 02:47

Sounds like you are a bed warmer for him, sorry to be brutal but he is well on his way to being a massive shit.

My DS has a GF with a little flat, he stays over a lot but bowls up with dinner, wine, flowers she has just started to stay here to. It’s quite a new relationship. Mine most definitely pays rent and does chores. He is only in his early twenties though.

Pipsquiggle · 22/04/2025 06:29

It sounds like you need to have a chat about all of this with him - your relationship and where you see it going, money and finances, children, spending habits. You need to talk about what you would like and what he would.

It might be that you are on the same page, you might not. Then at least you can make a plan about really making a go of this relationship or not.

I wouldn't be cleaning the whole house before he stays over. I would be expecting him to either make a meal or clear up after it. It doesn't sound like an equal relationship at the moment - sounds like you are mothering him.

If you are mid 30s and you want to have DC, you will have to decide whether you want to move in together sooner rather than later or potentially break up.

AprilBunny · 22/04/2025 07:32

Crushed23 · 21/04/2025 22:43

I’m going to go against the grain and say that yes, it is draining and dull to be around someone who goes on about not being able to afford anything, especially in early dating. It should be about having fun, interesting dates and literally going out with each other - bars, restaurants, cinema, maybe travelling together. His expectations of dating are actually very normal - I’ve never heard of anyone charging a boyfriend or girlfriend for crashing at theirs a couple of nights a week. What else is he supposed to do - have sex then go home straight after? And what, not dare shower lest it bump up your energy bill by a couple of pounds?

There are things he could do better - bringing a bottle of wine if you’re cooking for him, for example - but you need to just tell him. It’s not necessarily a sign that he’s tight, it may not have crossed his mind.

Overall I think you might just be incompatible. He’s relaxed about money and you’re not. It won’t get easier if you move in together.

He only has more money because he is mid 30’s and living at a combination of his DM’s and DGF’s homes.

Tootiredtowhat · 22/04/2025 08:12

Crushed23 · 21/04/2025 22:43

I’m going to go against the grain and say that yes, it is draining and dull to be around someone who goes on about not being able to afford anything, especially in early dating. It should be about having fun, interesting dates and literally going out with each other - bars, restaurants, cinema, maybe travelling together. His expectations of dating are actually very normal - I’ve never heard of anyone charging a boyfriend or girlfriend for crashing at theirs a couple of nights a week. What else is he supposed to do - have sex then go home straight after? And what, not dare shower lest it bump up your energy bill by a couple of pounds?

There are things he could do better - bringing a bottle of wine if you’re cooking for him, for example - but you need to just tell him. It’s not necessarily a sign that he’s tight, it may not have crossed his mind.

Overall I think you might just be incompatible. He’s relaxed about money and you’re not. It won’t get easier if you move in together.

Think is crashing at each others a few times a week is normal, if it is reciprocal. You wouldn’t charge a partner because you’d be staying at theirs too, so it all comes out in the wash.

consistentlyinconsistent · 22/04/2025 08:28

Gosh, he is taking the p**s. When my now DH and I started dating, I was living with a parent and I'd be at now DH's house 3 weekends out of 4. I always paid for our shop for the weekend and often treated to extras while we were out - we agreed that was fair as I was living at his house a week a month and did not have to pay my parent rent as it was v.short term. You are being used.

Also eating out twice a week now with the cost of living crisis is mad. I reckon we eat out once a month!

ExperiencedTeacher · 22/04/2025 08:29

My DP stays here a few times a week. He hates the idea of being a cocklodger so pays for far more dates than me but we’re not in a place where formally
contributing would be right. If I’ve cooked, he will wash up. He does jobs around the house. He recognises that my disposable income is lower than his even though I earn more.

I’d expect more, OP.

LucyLoo1972 · 19/02/2026 16:42

Phillipconnarthy · 21/04/2025 21:57

Thanks, he does pay for 50% of our dates, I just thinking eating out more than once a week is excessive, I wish I could instead of washing up and so on but I just can't afford it.

He does pay for takeaways at mine too or I cook for us. He's never washed up or offered money though.

Show quote history

he should be washing up!

LadyCrustybread · 19/02/2026 18:55

You already resent him being there and you’re not even living together… stay apart for a few more years and see where it goes.

TFImBackIn · 19/02/2026 18:59

He's living the life, isn't he? His mum does everything for him when he's there and you do everything when he's with you.

Honestly, there are far better men than this around.

AllosaurusMum · 19/02/2026 19:11

ThejoyofNC · 21/04/2025 21:35

If he's staying with you 2/3 nights a week then he should already be contributing.

Then OP should be paying half his travel costs since he's the one primarily coming to her.

Translatethedog · 19/02/2026 19:13

If you can’t have these conversations then you shouldn’t be considering moving in together.

Calendulaaria · 19/02/2026 19:19

You cook for him 2/3 times a week and then he makes you go 50/50 on dates!!!! No way I would move in with him. I think you need higher standards of care for yourself. You deserve better.

Chisbots · 19/02/2026 19:27

It's practically booty call levels of visiting.

Why are you cleaning and washing?

Nearly50omg · 19/02/2026 19:27

NewHere25 · 22/04/2025 00:19

So he has previously offered to help with washing up etc and you’ve declined?
He only stays 8-8? Why would he have to contribute to anything?
Hes generous with birthday and Christmas gifts and pays 50% of dates, that’s hardly tight.
Not bringing something when you prepare a dinner is perhaps a flaw but a typical male oversight. Also assuming he doesn’t ask nor expect you to clean the house top to bottom for him staying a couple nights a week
Im sorry but unless I’m missing something I’d say you’re the one with the issue here

Most people who are working only stay at their house 8pm-8am due to work so this is completely normal!!! Except this bloke has free lodgings free food and free sex on top! Oh and doesn’t offer to pay for his partners food who he knows is on a lower wage than him and also who puts him up in her house up to half the week every week for free!!! And he probably puts his clothes in the washing basket for his free wash too! 🤬

ExperiencedTeacher · 19/02/2026 19:31

My partner and I won’t live together officially for some time but he stays with me 3/4 nights a week. He doesn’t (and I don’t want him to) contribute to my household expenses BUT he pays when we eat out, he pays for far more treats/dates than me, pays for shopping if we’re out together… he contributes financially massively to my life without paying into the home I own.

ETA he also contributes to running the home, doing DIY, cleaning, all of mine and my kids’ ironing, washing etc. He’s an absolute dream!