Friend ok with Husband having sex with prostitutes.

[Concernedchilli]

Backstory is friend and her husband have been together for 30ish years, they are both late 40s with 3 young children. Wife hasn't been interested in sex since first child was born roughly 11 years ago and think things have been a bit strained between them.

She's reasonably private only drops a few things into conversation about this here and there over the years. I've recently found out (not through friend herself) that she has said to her husband that she is fine with him sleeping with prostitutes.

He travels for work to a lot of UK cities for sales so assume this would be easy for him to do and not bring it to her doorstep.

I feel a bit strange about it, we spend a fair bit of time them as a couple and as families with young children, and i know her family very well and am friends with her brothers wife now knowing this information has made me look at them both a bit differently. Aibu?

As to attraction, most regular folk wouldn't suck someone off for £10, but many would for a million. The rest, as they say, is just negotiation.

Not once have I had sex with someone I didn't find sexually attracted barring being SA'd. I'm not saying others do not, but I find it difficult to understand. Sex is such an intimate experience, I don't want anyone in my body I don't have a connection with.

FordAnglia, long time no see.

I can understand how people are saying it’s none of your business but it also is. We choose friendships and associations and I wouldn’t be ok being friends with anyone who decided to cheat on his wife in this way. It’s very disrespectful, if she is ok with it or not.

You are not being unreasonable.

That’s you.

Other people have had sex out of boredom and just a desire to have sex (me), for money directly, to maintain a relationship, to create children etc.
Plenty of people enter into marriages (arranged or otherwise) with a “good” person who they are not particularly attracted to but want to be married.

You think half these ugly old men with much younger wives all have wives who find them (as opposed to their wallets and lifestyle) attractive?

Come on now. It’s just weird that people take such umbrage to any sexual interaction that is not based on attraction.

You're doing some wonder gymnastics yourself there assuming that I do not choose a salon (the one I use is local with local people working in it who I know personally) or clothes manufacturers who use ethical practices (or at the very east have never been accused of doing otherwise).

It is very clear that the majority of sex workers have a traumatic childhood or have been trafficked. That is not a 'what if' scenario.

Your second message re. 'sucking off' actually turned my stomach. But you continue to pay vulnerable woman for your sexual gratification who are repulsed by you. Use any excuse you like.

He is fucking grotesque.
OF COURSE sex should be about mutual attraction!

Why?

When people have sex where there is no mutual attraction is it ok if no money is exchanged?

In my experience working in local pubs as bar staff - half of what he bragged about will be untrue but I suspect the “my wife knows about the whole thing” is the actual lie.

Even if she is OK with the arrangement, she won’t be ok (you’ve said she’s quite private) with him publicly announcing what he gets up to and embarrassing the life out of her and undermining their marriage publicly. He’s embarrassed himself more than her, but I feel awful for her.
even if your nephew does listen, others will have told their wives as pillow talk and the young lads won’t realise the impact that gossiping about it can have on their marriage as they may not have spoken to their thoughtful aunt about it,

I’d find it VERY hard not to tell her or her SIL you’re friends with (though I’d 100% not get involved) and would distance myself from him entirely. I suspect in the same way others say the way you found out (before you described it) could have been twisted, there’s every chance she said in an argument “oh go do what you want, like I care!!”, or he’s threatened to leave her and the children if she doesn’t “let him” then he’s gone off and done it and she’s trapped with the sicko. I don’t know many women who would approve their husband sleeping with other women and I still suspect she doesn’t know!

what a disgusting human being.

Who are these people who do this? Because I can guarantee you they don't want to.

So no, it's not okay just because money hasn't changed hands. I can't believe anyone thinks otherwise.

Plenty of people who engage in hookups and one night stands, booze, horniness, sex and cringing the next day.

Who establishes the parameters for acceptable reasons to engage in sexual activity?

But presumably if they're horny they are sexually attracted at the time to the each other. If it's only one of them then that's wrong. I don't know how people can enjoy sex thinking the other party isn't into it, people like that need looking into.

The law. People with a moral compass.

Why would anyone have sex with someone they aren’t attracted to?
And yes if it’s not a mutual want then it’s wrong, money or not.

The law does not establish all the reasons people may have sex.

And whose moral compass? Who determines what that should be?

You can be horny and just look for somebody to help relieve you of your horniness without being particularly attracted to the person. I know my younger hornier self has definitely had sex with men due to needing to release sexual tension and not because I was particularly attracted to the men.

As I got older that sensation vanished so the idea of having sex with somebody I am not attracted to seems alien to me now, but I don’t see why that was “wrong” when I was young because somewhere somebody has a book of acceptable contexts within which people can have sex.

But whatever you did when you were younger was mutual with whoever you hooked up with? Or did they not want to and you did it anyway because only you wanted it? Sex workers aren't doing this to relieve their horniness. I don't see how they are comparable.

We'll agree to disagree.

It was mutual in that we wanted to have sex. I have zero idea if he wanted to have sex with me because he was attracted to me or just wanted to get laid and literally any woman would do. Or it was a dare. Or because he loved me. Or any other of a thousand reasons. I don’t know because I did not care enough to ask.

In the case of sex work there is also a mutual agreement to have sex.

The point is there does not have to be mutual attraction in order to have sex. There are many reasons people choose to have sex and choosing to because you are horny us not superior to choosing to for money.

Two horny people who wanting to have sex - fine.

One horny person paying someone who doesn't actually want to have sex but is doing so either through coercion, trauma or drug addiction - not fine.

I'm sure there will be a tiny minority or sex workers who are completely stable and it's genuinely their own free will, but it IS a tiny minority and anyone paying doesn't know which category that person falls into.

There have been threads on here which might help you understand where I'm coming from, I'll try find them.

It is very clear that the majority of sex workers have a traumatic childhood or have been trafficked. That is not a 'what if' scenario.

Very neat little trick you did there, adding 'or'. The question was how can a decent person buy sex from a prostitute who might be trafficked, to which I said one can take reasonable precautions by using indies.

Childhood, poverty, low self esteem and any other reason a woman becomes a sex worker, doesn't invalidate her choice or make it less consensual. Only coercion/trafficking does that.

I don't need to know the waiter's backstory before giving my order, nor do I need to know why a cleaning lady chose that job before hiring her. As long as one is reasonably sure the service provider isn't being coerced, they are free to purchase that service.

We aren’t talking about somebody being coerced into sex.

But somebody choosing to have sex for money.

I think that while I said originally that this was none of your business OP, with your latest update, I might be inclined to send your friend an anonymous message telling her that her husband is sharing all this information, as while she may have agreed for him to see prostitutes, she would probably HATE to know that he is sharing this information far and wide.

What would be an acceptable solution in your eyes?