Friend ok with Husband having sex with prostitutes.

[Concernedchilli]

Backstory is friend and her husband have been together for 30ish years, they are both late 40s with 3 young children. Wife hasn't been interested in sex since first child was born roughly 11 years ago and think things have been a bit strained between them.

She's reasonably private only drops a few things into conversation about this here and there over the years. I've recently found out (not through friend herself) that she has said to her husband that she is fine with him sleeping with prostitutes.

He travels for work to a lot of UK cities for sales so assume this would be easy for him to do and not bring it to her doorstep.

I feel a bit strange about it, we spend a fair bit of time them as a couple and as families with young children, and i know her family very well and am friends with her brothers wife now knowing this information has made me look at them both a bit differently. Aibu?

I agree. This is the problem, not that they have decided on an open marriage. If he were on dating sites and arranging to meet people also only looking for 'hook ups' then that's one thing. But if neither see an issue with contributing to an industry that uses trafficked women and girls (I know not all, but how can you tell?), then that would definitely make me look at them differently.

Personally I wouldn’t judge, particularly on second hand information.

But your feelings are based on gossip. 🤷🏻‍♀️
You don’t know what was said and what he is doing (or not).

She may have said smth like - I do not want to have sex - so take care of your need for sex in any way that does not threaten our marriage.

The site is pretty much unusable now.

I think people (usually women) think the reasonable thing is for the man to just suck up his libido and put up with celibacy.
I’m a woman. Luckily for all I enjoy sex with my dh. But I have read over and over on MN the attitude from some women is that sex is rather yucky and men should just stop being pests and go away and pleasure themselves. Discretely and leave no sound sight or evidence that anything so foul goes on.

then they call men all manner of names for leaving them ‘over sex’ with absolutely no understanding that it’s not just sex. It’s sex and intimacy and warm bodies holding each other and closeness and affection and special love you have with no one else.

You’ve heard this ‘but not through friend herself’ ? You don’t even know if it’s true.

It would really be none of your business anyway, but ultimately if it bothers you, you aren’t obliged to continue being friends with her and her husband.

I feel like the scenario where there’s a partnership or marriage, and kids, but where one person has totally (for whatever reason) stopped wanting to have sex with the other partner - needs to be analysed and publicised more. Where are all the relationship therapists, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, agony aunts, sex therapists etc etc? Why are they not helping the many, many couples who end up in this situation?

Someone has told you that they know that someone you are friends with is OK with their husband using prostitutes. Alot of heresay in that one to form an opinion on someone to be honest.

It has nothing to do with you

she has said to her husband that she is fine with him sleeping with prostitutes.

and do you know he has definitely taken her up on it?

By "she" do you mean the friend in the marriage who no longer wants sex?

Are you ignoring the bit where OP explained it was a third party who told her? It's right there, in the OP!

So what's the alternative. If the wife hasn't wanted sex for 11 years you can't realistically expect the DH to just accept it. Eleven years is not a blip, it's feasibly half their married life, and she's hardly likely to change her mind any time soon. Yes, he could look for an affair partner but that's easier said than done. Where do you even start, and what sort of tangled emotional mess is it likely to lead to?

You don't know it's true she is OK with it
you don't Know he is doing it

Unhygienic

As you haven't had the conversation directly with the couple, I would be very careful not to jump to conclusions.

Her saying "I have said he can make his own arrangements, just don't tell me about it" could very easily be passed on as "she told him to use prostitutes" which isn't the same thing.

It’s not something I morally agree with and can understand why you feel grossed out / uncomfortable

BUT

This is gossip you’ve heard from someone else. In my experience, a third of what I’ve been told during gossip isn’t true or someone’s words have been twisted.

By all means speak to your friend if you really really want to know but I think it would be unfair to just drop her over information that might not be true!

Also I know no one’s perfect but it’s a bit weird that a bunch of 40 year olds are discussing SOMEONE ELSES sex life. This might not even be true,

Not sure how I’d feel about my friends discussing mine and DH’s sex life

I think the wife prefers a sex worker arrangement as it is transactional and there is no chance of him leaving her for the sex worker. Pretty Woman was largely fiction.

I wouldn’t necessarily believe it. If he is doing that I’m surprised he’s so open about it.

Either would be an immediate deal-breaker for me. However, at least in the latter you presume that he has her consent and at least considers her a person. The former potentially involves rape of human trafficking victims and the inability to distinguish between a woman and a sock, as both are just objects.

Fucking gross. I wouldn’t let a man who has sex with women without their informed consent (and it’s not informed when it’s bribed by the medium of money) anywhere near my kids, or me.

This. And the fact that most people see sex work for what it actually is - selling a service, not the actual women.

Disabled people pay for nurses that help them with bowel movements. Not the most pleasant job in the world, and certainly not something the nurses would consent to do without the money. But everyone understands that what is being bought is a service not the actual nurse, and that paid consent is in fact consent.

It's so grim.

I don't want to be aww poor menz here...but...in a way, it must be absolutely soul destroying to live with the reality that having sex with you is so awful your wife would prefer you to actually pay for a prostitute.

For context how I found out.

My Dear Nephew is apart of a village sports team with friends husband in question. They are mixed age group with DN being one of the youngest and friends DH being the oldest.

The older gentleman in the group are all a bit lad like clique, the group of blokes at the pub you don't want to walk past to get to the loo type.

During one of the blokes leaving drinks 2 weeks ago friends DH got rather drunk and showed the group some messages he'd sent a prostitute he'd slept with the previous week and explained his DW had okayed it and told them lots of personal info about their relationshio. The message was very lewd type comments with pictures. And then forwarded one and sent it to the sports chat for the benefit of a bloke who wasn't present.

DN screenshot it before friends DH deleted the next morning probably with sore head and much regret. DN showed me message yesterday at family easter dinner.

I obviously don't know for fact wife has okayed this that is 100% true. Still doesn't change my feelings about her DH. I will under no circumstances be bringing this up to them or anybody else and have told DN to do the same. I am not a gossip and would much rather have not known the information at all.

You can’t surely be comparing a necessary medical procedure carried out by a nurse to this. FFS.