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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Send your kids to play dates or relatives with their own snacks

61 replies

Uninformedcorn · 21/04/2025 07:35

Before we start I want to make it known I am childless and not by choice (I have an autoimmune disorder and take a lot of medication that would make having babies impossible)

Yesterday I had my niece (12) for the day (from eleven am to seven pm) she came with her backpack and Nintendo switch. I asked SIL what she could eat and couldn’t eat and SIL said she packed her a few snacks and lunch.

I didn’t mind making dinner - we were only going to have a bean and sausage casserole that I know my niece loves.

We went out and had a walk around a local historic house and the gardens and it turned out SIL packed snacks and that niece couldn’t have due to allergies

I had to call my brother which is another story in itself as we’ve not spoken in months due to some nasty comment he made at our Mums funeral - he wasn’t happy to have to leave when he was sick and he was even less happy to find his wife had packed things that his daughter couldn’t eat

he thanked me for looking after her and offered me money but I declined. later on in the day I sent SIL a message saying “Just send your daughter to play dates or her relatives with food she can actually eat”

AIBU? Is it so hard to send your kids with snacks they can eat to play dates - especially when they have allergies?

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 21/04/2025 07:37

This sounds incredibly strange as I don't see why she would deliberately send her with snacks she cannot eat, or why the niece at the age of 12 was incapable of picking her own snacks to bring in her bag.

Pandacrazedchild · 21/04/2025 07:38

I wouldn't expect a child to come to mine on a playdate with food...I'm happy to feed them. But why on earth was food packed for her that she couldn't eat?! I don't get that.

PeloMom · 21/04/2025 07:39

As PP said I don’t understand how or why SIL would have done that. I don’t mind if kids come for play dates with no snacks etc- unless there are complicated dietary restrictions that are very tricky to cater for.

Comedycook · 21/04/2025 07:41

That's so odd....so she sent her DD with food she knows she cannot eat? Why? How strange. Fwiw, I don't think it matters either way...if I was babysitting one of my nieces, I'd happily feed them, if they brought their own food, fine, whatever. But I just cannot fathom the situation you've described

breadpie · 21/04/2025 07:58

There is so much unnecessary information in the opening post... I think the snack issue is a cover for what the OP actually wants to say... Possibly feeling a bit bad for sending that text..?

bugalugs45 · 21/04/2025 08:00

Her own mother packed snacks she couldn’t eat ? That’s beyond strange . Are you sure niece wasn’t just saying that ? Do you know these allergies to be true ?
i often have my niece for the day , she’s a lot younger but not fussy and her parents are not overly precious about what she eats so I feed her , usually healthy- ish but occasionally we will have pizza or McDonald’s . I make sure she has some fresh fruit and veg . They never send snacks or food .

Sofiewoo · 21/04/2025 08:01

What a weird dynamic. You haven’t spoken to your brother, you clearly dislike your SIL so why/ how did it even come about that you would have their 12 year old?
I can’t imagine anyone with a child who has severe allergies would pack snacks that they can’t have, it’s also not even normal to have to pack snacks for a 12 year old to spend time with a relative.
You clearly resent everything about the situation so I’m not sure how it’s even come about.

Toooldtopretend · 21/04/2025 08:02

Why did you need to call your brother? Presumably you and your niece know what the allergies are so couldn’t you have just got an alternative? It’s all v bizarre and not making sense TBH.

doodleschnoodle · 21/04/2025 08:04

Sounds like a mistake as I doubt anyone would go to the effort of packing the wrong snacks for their child! Your text was a bit abrupt though, most people would just assume it was an accident, but I guess there’s back story galore.

minnienono · 21/04/2025 08:05

Unless they have really extensive allergies and it’s short notice, I would never expect snacks to be sent. If a picnic was involved perhaps sending a favourite crisp flavour or if they are coeliac bread so you don’t have to buy in gf specially is helpful but otherwise I always cook to suit guests

Chellybelle · 21/04/2025 08:06

I wouldn't expect any child to come to me with snacks. If I'm looking after them, I provide the food. I can see why it might be better for them to bring food if there's severe allergies but then I don't get why the mum has sent those. What do you think is your SIL's reasoning behind it?

AprilBunny · 21/04/2025 08:07

So your brother sent his daughter with the snacks?

stayathomer · 21/04/2025 08:07

Were you just not sure of the snacks and then niece wasn’t sure? Eg nut allergy and something said ‘May contain nuts’ so you weren’t sure then niece said -as kids often do- oh it may contain nuts? I’m allergic to nuts! (Two of my son’s friends have allergies and my own is gluten intolerant- if they’re put under any pressure they will always say ‘oh I’m not sure’ so that they’re covered)

Fraaances · 21/04/2025 08:08

Could she be trying to humiliate you by making you seem incompetent/dangerous/negligent? Seems like she’s up to something. Who plays games with their kid’s health?

summerlovingvibes · 21/04/2025 08:08

@Uninformedcorn why on earth did the child's mother pack snacks she was allergic to?!
And if you clearly identified these allergens why didn't you just give her something that she could actually eat instead of calling somone?
You obviously know her allergens far better than her own mother so I'd have just got on with it.

AprilBunny · 21/04/2025 08:10

The phone call and text sound a bit over the top. Could you have bought her a little something she isn’t allergic to when you were out and sent back home with the dodgy snacks.
Why is the brother off the hook re packing the wrong stuff, it’s his daughter?
Are you resentful looking after her and/or feeding her?

BallerinaRadio · 21/04/2025 08:11

Is this some sort of garbled AI post? It makes zero sense

SwanOfThoseThings · 21/04/2025 08:12

Buy her a lunch that she can eat, job done. She can manage without snacks.

olympicsrock · 21/04/2025 08:12

You sound resentful and perhaps don’t like your niece or have food issues. Why on earth would you mind catering for a child in your care for a short time? Why when you found there was a problem did you not just sort it out? Buy a snack she can eat…

Dollshousedolly · 21/04/2025 08:16

This is very strange. Unless you have financial issues, why couldn’t you have brought your niece into a shop and she could have brought her own food ?? At age 12, I’m sure she knows what she can and cannot eat.

Your message to your SIL was beyond rude.

Edited to add - it’s not normal to send children to play dates or relatives houses with snacks and food. It may be different will allergies.

Miyagi99 · 21/04/2025 08:17

Why did you phone anyone? Why not ask niece what she can and would like to eat and buy/make that? Either at the day out (there is usually a cafe at these sorts of places) or when you get home, seems like an overreaction, I wouldn’t have expected a 12 year old to come with snacks for a day anyway, maybe a bit of cash for their own treats but otherwise I would provide their food and drink. And your text was downright rude.

Tootiredtowhat · 21/04/2025 08:19

I would say send them with snacks or food if the child has dietary restrictions that the parent expect you to follow or if there are allergies. Otherwise I am happy to provide.

But it’s bonkers to send a child with allergies with something that they can’t eat. Does she have a sibling and had picked up the wrong lunch?

Eldermillennialmum · 21/04/2025 08:25

Are your brother and SIL together?

Something doesn't ring true in your post. Firstly I wouldn't expect family members to send snacks and food for their child if I'd agreed to look after them for the day or spend the day with them. Secondly I just don't believe her mother would send snacks she can't eat.

Neolara · 21/04/2025 08:25

My daughter has allergies. At 12, she was perfectly capable of knowing what was and wasn't safe and took responsibility for checking her own food.

Eldermillennialmum · 21/04/2025 08:26

I also don't see why you had to call your brother especially if estranged. I am sensing hostility toward the SIL.

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