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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Send your kids to play dates or relatives with their own snacks

61 replies

Uninformedcorn · 21/04/2025 07:35

Before we start I want to make it known I am childless and not by choice (I have an autoimmune disorder and take a lot of medication that would make having babies impossible)

Yesterday I had my niece (12) for the day (from eleven am to seven pm) she came with her backpack and Nintendo switch. I asked SIL what she could eat and couldn’t eat and SIL said she packed her a few snacks and lunch.

I didn’t mind making dinner - we were only going to have a bean and sausage casserole that I know my niece loves.

We went out and had a walk around a local historic house and the gardens and it turned out SIL packed snacks and that niece couldn’t have due to allergies

I had to call my brother which is another story in itself as we’ve not spoken in months due to some nasty comment he made at our Mums funeral - he wasn’t happy to have to leave when he was sick and he was even less happy to find his wife had packed things that his daughter couldn’t eat

he thanked me for looking after her and offered me money but I declined. later on in the day I sent SIL a message saying “Just send your daughter to play dates or her relatives with food she can actually eat”

AIBU? Is it so hard to send your kids with snacks they can eat to play dates - especially when they have allergies?

OP posts:
justmeandmyselfandi · 21/04/2025 08:29

I always send mine with a lunchbox, more as back up food. But I wouldn't expect someone to do the same. It's weird to send snacks that she couldn't eat, perhaps she made a mistake or got something mixed up?

Createausername1970 · 21/04/2025 08:34

I, too, am a bit confused by the OP.

If I was looking after a niece or nephew all day I would expect to feed them some of my food, so if allergies were involved then my assumption would be that either the parent would say " Jonny can't eat nuts, are you OK with that?" or "Jonny cant eat nuts, I have packed him some food so you don't have to worry - but a pizza or burger should be fine if you had other plans".

I am not sure what happened here.

But I do think the message to the SIL was a bit abrupt. Did the brother have to leave the funeral on similar abrupt orders from the OP?

TwentyTwentyFive · 21/04/2025 08:37

BallerinaRadio · 21/04/2025 08:11

Is this some sort of garbled AI post? It makes zero sense

This ^^

Nothing about this post makes any sense. None of it.

JSMill · 21/04/2025 08:39

This post makes no sense.

Goldengirl123 · 21/04/2025 08:41

Something doesn’t add up in this story. There is no way a mother would pack snacks a child couldn’t eat. What reason is there for her being unable to eat them? Is is because she just doesn’t like them?

HelenWheels · 21/04/2025 08:41

are you sure she is allergic?
not just spinning you a line?

Coffeeishot · 21/04/2025 08:42

Her mum packed food that she couldn't eat are you really really sure ?

Crunchymum · 21/04/2025 08:44

You sound incredibly difficult @Uninformedcorn

That message was totally uncalled for. Could the snacks have been packed by accident?

The 12yo had a suitable lunch? Surely you could have found some kind of snack she could have?

I have an autoimmune condition and take medication to suppress my immune system but I wouldn't dream of asking my siblings to leave our mums funeral because they were ill (although depending on the illness I'd expect them them to manage themselves but still I'd have some tact on the day we said goodbye to our mum)

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 21/04/2025 08:45

All I got from that was that you relished having the chance to do a bit of shitstirring.

greengreyblue · 21/04/2025 08:47

Normal to send a child with a few snacks as back up or just in case. Not normal for a mother to send food that her child is allergic to
Why did you phone your brother when the sil dropped her off?
Also the tone of your text was unnecessary.

CloverPyramid · 21/04/2025 08:47

Why would you assume she deliberately sent snacks her daughter couldn’t eat, rather than it just being a mistake? Surely it’s far more likely that she just grabbed the wrong thing out of the cupboard or was making someone else’s lunch at the same time and put things in the wrong bag. A potentially very dangerous mistake of course, but a mistake nonetheless. Or even that your niece wasn’t telling the truth about being allergic and instead just doesn’t like them? I pretended to be allergic to plasters as a child because I didn’t like ripping them off.

Why did you call your brother, if you never speak to him? Why not call SIL as presumably she was the one you arranged this day with? Or more reasonably- why call anyone at all? Even if you’re morally opposed to funding snacks while babysitting (weird), could you not just have problem solved at the time and brought it up later?

Riaanna · 21/04/2025 08:52

This doesn’t make sense.

AhBiscuits · 21/04/2025 08:54

A lot about this is weird. I just can't imagine the parent of an allergy child providing snacks with the allergen. It's bizarre.

I never send my kids with snacks to friends or relatives, it's normal that these are supplied.

Picklepower · 21/04/2025 08:56

I would never expect any child I was looking after to bring their own snacks, and if I took them out I would buy something from the cafe

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2025 08:57

It’s the obsession with snacking that baffles me.

And yes, your text was really rude.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2025 09:03

Am I misunderstanding or did your brother have to pick up his daughter because the right snacks weren’t packed? Couldn’t you have just fed her yourself?

Livelovebehappy · 21/04/2025 09:04

Why would you report this back to your db rather than your sil? Especially as you no longer speak with him. I would have firstly gone back to sil and just queried whether your nieces dietary needs had changed.

phoenixrosehere · 21/04/2025 09:06

YABU

You know what your niece supposedly loves but not what she is allergic to?

You called her father yet had the SIL’s number to send her a rude text. You don’t get on with your brother but your first thought was to call him and not mum?

Most would think that it had been a mistake, not something done on purpose.

Why would your brother have to leave from where he was when you could have just bought something for her that she wasn’t allergic to especially since you were going to have dinner at your home anyway?

Unless your niece has some issues other than allergies, it makes little sense to have had her father leave and come get her and for you to send a rude text to her mum for what easily could have been a mistake.

You act as if you were watching a baby/toddler, not a pre-teen.

Sounds like you didn’t want to spend money on your niece.

User5274959 · 21/04/2025 09:06

How weird that you would phone your brother, and send your SIL a rude and aggressive text. It's such a non issue. If niece was hungry buy her a snack?

JoyousEagle · 21/04/2025 09:10

If I’m looking after a child, I assume I’m feeding them. I wouldn’t expect them to turn up with snacks unless particularly picky about what they eat, or with lots of hard to manage allergies.

But I also don’t understand how this happened with your SIL sending snacks she couldn’t eat. Or why you had to call your brother tbh.

lifemakeover · 21/04/2025 09:10

Seems incredibly odd. I have a 12 year old and he is more than capable of sorting his own snacks for a day out if needed. Even if he wasn't, a parent would know what their child was allergic to. This is almost unbelievable....

CautiousLurker01 · 21/04/2025 09:10

Very odd - in most homes if one family member has an allergy (allergy, not intolerance) that foodstuff would not be in the house at all. I can’t fathom that SiL would have those items in the house, let alone accidentally put them in an unnecessary pre-packed lunch/snack box. Unless she deliberately wanted the child to get ill and have to come home, which is a different level of sick.

Coconutter24 · 21/04/2025 09:16

later on in the day I sent SIL a message saying “Just send your daughter to play dates or her relatives with food she can actually eat”

that was incredibly rude!! I find it odd she packed snacks she couldn’t have due to allergies. If I was looking after a child I’d just get in snacks myself I know they can have, I wouldn’t expect them to bring any. If I felt the need to highlight the fact unsuitable snacks were sent then I’d just say “is X all that DN can’t eat? I’ll grab some snacks for next time, the snacks you sent contained X and I didn’t want to risk her having them”. And even then I would only highlight the allergen for concern for DN incase the mum missed it (which is unusual for a parent with a child that has allergies). I don’t know why you called your brother? What was the purpose of that, to shame your SIL for getting something wrong?

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 21/04/2025 10:30

This is quite odd…
Parents of an allergic child sending them
with allergen snacks.
Why did you call your brother? Why not just buy suitable snacks / skip the snacks?
A 12yo would usually pack her own snacks.
If I have a guest I don’t expect them to bring their own snacks, why would you?
…

Kilroyonly · 21/04/2025 10:33

I don’t believe for one minute that a child’s own mother would provide them with snacks they couldn’t eat; there is no way a parent (active/present) would not know what allergies that child had. The (fake) text was ridiculously rude