to worry my DD might be a narcissist?

[Roxietrees]

Ok so maybe this is a bit of a leap but I’m genuinely worried. My DD is only 4.5 and I know they haven’t developed empathy yet at that age but I know she can be sweet and loving to me and to our cat, hence why this reaction surprised me - So we found a dead baby mouse that the cat had killed (its body was completely intact) and it was so small and sweet. I said to DD aw it’s sad isn’t it? She laughed and said no it’s not it’s funny. Then she asked me if she could pick it up! (Using gloves). I remember being her age and finding cute tiny mice & shrews my cat had killed and genuinely feeling sad for them- don’t remember it ever being something I laughed at. AIBU to think this is a totally abnormal reaction and possibly indicates some troubling behavioural problems or, (hope to fuck not!) narcissism? Or was it more likely she was looking for a reaction/attention-seeking by reacting in a way she knew I’d be shocked by? Or am I just an over-sensitive animal lover and she just isn’t??

YABU I would probably have wanted to pick up the mouse too when I was a child, and would have loved to see it being dissected! I now have a PhD in biological science and am not a narcissist

Sounds like you've been through a tough time. Sorry you have had to go through what you have

being withdrawn, inability to follow basic instructions, biting, hitting, tantrums, crying for no apparent reason, bedwetting, fear of me not being by her side 24/7, the list goes on.

These are normal 4 year old behaviours! Some will still happen at age 6 too for a lot of kids, and some beyond that! My 13 yr old still can't follow basic instructions!!! 😉 Ok, biting and hitting aren't great, but not too age inappropriate especially for a kid that's witnessed domestic violence and whose parents have MH problems.

Yes, she's maybe a bit more clingy than other kids as a result of trauma and it's making it hard for her to not 'be by your side', but otherwise she seems pretty normal and average.

I think you want a label to absolve yourself of finding the parenting hard, and because some of her behaviours could be related to the experiences she's been through. You might also unconsciously fear she's turning out like her dad.

But pleeeeaae, stop trying to label her. She is entirely normal. Have a look at some of the parenting boards on here and you'll find everything much older kids and teens can be selfish, uncaring, unempathic, etc.. and a lot of nursery age kids bite and hit. Seek some parenting advice from social care and some support so you can ensure you parent these behaviours effectively and don't end up with a kid with a long list of labels and in CAMHS by the time they are 11.

If you're so good at empathising OP, how about trying to empathise with her interest and enthusiasm? She's a little girl who's curious about the world, that's a fantastic emotion to empathise with.

I find most people who claim to be empathetic have blind spots when it comes to putting themselves in other's shoes...

It's a fair question to ask here on an anonymous thread. Your response sheds light on what's happening here, and enables people to give you more useful advice. As other posters have explained, the 'problem' behaviours you describe are pretty typical for a four year old - particularly one who has witnessed domestic abuse and has a mother with mental health problems and a self-confessed anxious parenting style.

The answer here could be as simple as "she found the dead mouse funny because she's been watching Tom and Jerry and thinks cats catching mice is supposed to be funny". Kids are strange and sometimes inappropriate. This whole thing could be absolutely nothing. But you're treating your daughter like she belongs in The Omen.

That's a you problem, and as a parent, there will be times in life when you need to hear that. There is absolutely no need to try and pathologise your four year old daughter with a narcissism diagnosis. Anyone with feelings will have empathy for what you've sufferered - but you can't go through life saying "I was abused, fuck off!" every time someone suggests your traumatised behaviour might be having an impact on your daughter. It's not fair on her.

I think you mean sociopath, rather than narcissist? But of course she isn’t! She sounds completely fine and normal to me. Don’t project your worries onto her.

Children do not fully understand that death is permanent until at least age 7, so she probably doesn’t grasp what has happened. She also may have been trying in a clumsy way to cheer you up. My kid does this: he says he’s happy about something sad because he doesn’t like feeling like that, so he tries to laugh. It doesn’t make him a psychopath. He does it if I’m sad about something too: he experiences my sadness as scary because he doesn’t know what to do to make it better. (I lost a parent recently, so I can’t always hide my grief from him).

Is your DD the child of your abusive ex? I can completely understand being hyper vigilant to see if traits from him come out in her, but try not to. She is just a normal little girl who has been through a lot and is processing it. I hope you have support for yourself too. Take care x

She's very young and her brain structure is nothing at all like an adult's brain structure. Nothing you're reading far too much into this.

If you are genuinely worried about narcissistic personality disorder, you don't need to be. Children can't be diagnosed with personality disorders, because we recognise their neural pathways are still adapting and growing.

There was a dead animal washed up on a beach the other day, I took my 6yo to look at it and we took pictures! Love the pp's story of Mr Snakey.

Ds3 had nits a couple of weeks ago (he's 7.5). When I was nitcombing him he was VERY upset at the thought of the lice dying or only the big ones being caught and leaving behind their babies on his head, all alone 🙈 He begged to just keep them and said he didn't mind if they lived in his hair forever 🤣

Compare that to a couple of years ago when he had them when he gleefully combed/squished/washed them down the drain as they came off, whilst giggling.

A child at 3/4/5 often doesnt show anywhere near the same empathy as when they're a couple of years older. Unless you're finding bits of dead cats in your garden, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I agree with every word of this.
OP you didn’t give the context of yours and your daughter’s background, made a huge leap to her having a personality disorder and when someone asked you if you had any mental health conditions yourself, you jumped down their throat. The irony being that it was the right question to ask because you do have mental health issues (and understandably so considering what you have been through)

Even ignoring the age in this case there are plenty of psychopaths and sociopaths who live totally normal lives in our society and are not a problem at all. You will encounter them every day given the percentages. Not everyone has to be emotionally affected by things that happen and it doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

All of the behaviors you mentioned are very normal for a 4 year old. Please don't rush to pathologise her, kids are remarkably resilient. Congrats on leaving your abusive ex, you've set a great example to your daughter to not put up with abuse xxx