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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed my friends blase attitude

56 replies

Queenofkittens · 20/04/2025 20:59

This isn't your typical thread where my friend has done or said something shitty on a hen do or something like that, but more her blase attitude to money that for some reason annoys me and to be honest I am quite jealous of and I need someone to tell me if I'm being unreasonable or they can relate.

Basically we are quite similar in our finances in that we both have a semi detached house, both have two children each and a husband. Both work part time with husbands that work full time. They earn more than us as her husband is a higher earner by about 20k extra a year. What gets me is that me and my OH watch every penny, we often have to say no to our children for things, we can't go abroad (but we can have British holidays) we don't buy ourselves anything 'nice' and we budget so we don't spiral in debt. Other than our mortgage we have zero debt and that includes no overdrafts/credit cards. Both cars paid off (but they are old cars) and it feels like every month we just get by and tbh it's getting us down.

Fiend on the other hand has various debts, 4 credit cards (that I'm aware of) which equate to 22k, two other drafts and money owed to both their parents. But the spending is unreal, new clothes, days out for the kids, kids spoilt with everything designer/branded no expense spared, and my eldest will soften say 'oh they're so lucky they are so rich, josh just got a brand new hoody etc and I want to say, actually they are skint it's not real! But obviously I wouldn't, but it makes me feel inadequate and perhaps we should be 'living' more like they are? They've just taken out another loan to pay for a holiday abroad to Dubai soon and I can't help but feel jealous but also slightly aghast at all the careless spending. Is this.what most people do? Are we in the ones in the wrong and being boring and should live a little or is the shit gonna hit the fan for them at some point?

OP posts:

EmeraldRoulette · 20/04/2025 21:08

It's up to them what they spend

they might have other things in place that you don't know about or the shit might hit the fan

but it shouldn't change how you like to do your finances. I'm frugal myself. As long as she's not pushing you to do stuff you can't afford.

Original poster

Queenofkittens · 20/04/2025 21:13

EmeraldRoulette · 20/04/2025 21:08

It's up to them what they spend

they might have other things in place that you don't know about or the shit might hit the fan

but it shouldn't change how you like to do your finances. I'm frugal myself. As long as she's not pushing you to do stuff you can't afford.

Oh absolutely she's not we are both very honest about our finances with each other which I know most people can be very private about. I just feel like they don't seem to be worried and I wish I could live like that if I'm honest but I wouldn't dare.

OP posts:

ThejoyofNC · 20/04/2025 21:15

You're jealous of someone with spiraling debts? I certainly wouldn't be. If you're unhappy about your own finances then you either need to increase your household income or reduce your expenses.

ClaredeBear · 20/04/2025 21:16

I couldn’t live like she does, I’d be very uncomfortable indeed, but you should just let her get on with it, without the envy as it sounds as if you’re doing a great job of living within your means - you should probably feel pretty pleased with yourself, if anything.

Coatsoff42 · 20/04/2025 21:16

It’s a very different approach to life. As long as they aren’t moaning to you about their over drafts etc let them crack on. They’ll have to pay it back sooner or later, they’re just putting off the inevitable and living for the moment.
Its reckless but it’s not wrong.

Growlybear83 · 20/04/2025 21:20

It’s really none of your business what your friend spends! Life is for enjoying - you can’t take your savings with you when you die and I think your friend has the right outlook. I spent most of my adult life in debt and never saved, but I’ve enjoyed myself far more than I would have done if I’d scrimped and saved.

MereNoelle · 20/04/2025 21:20

Let them to them and you do you. What does it matter what they spend? It doesn’t affect your life.

PerkyGreenCat · 20/04/2025 21:26

Work more hours, have more things. Stop comparing yourself to the Jones'. Whether they're loaded or they're up to their eyeballs in debt, you'd still be jealous. It's normal to feel that way when it's so easy to make a direct comparison - if wife had a proper job or they had fewer children and they had a better life than you, you probably wouldn't be that bothered.

phoenixrosehere · 20/04/2025 21:39

YABU

Why are you jealous about someone else’s finances especially when they’re worse than yours?

You also mention that the friend’s DH makes an extra 20k than yours which is quite a difference.

All it takes is one mishap (redundancy, poor health, etc) and if they don’t have any savings, to be in trouble.

CalypsoCuthbertson · 20/04/2025 21:49

Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.

It’s none of your business what her finances and spending decisions are. All you need to worry about is you, your goals, what you’re comfortable with etc, and sounds like you’re doing just fine.

JaceLancs · 20/04/2025 22:10

Maybe you are just too far away from her in attitudes? Is there no happy medium where you feel like you get a bit more joy out of life without running up huge debts?
My parents were frugal and would always save up rather than buy on credit - we missed out on so much and often felt very deprived
With my DC I couldn’t run up unaffordable debt but would buy things on interest free credit or pay for something like a holiday on instalments - I never got into trouble and would economise everywhere else to afford the repayments

Maddy70 · 20/04/2025 22:59

What does it have to do with you? You do your finances , she does theirs

milleniumstar · 20/04/2025 23:44

Probably used to parents bailing them out, pointless to get annoyed at.

PollyG23 · 21/04/2025 00:12

I am quite a frugal person by nature and I’m not sure how old your DCs are or how long you’ll have left working once they’ve left home but it sounds as if your friend’s attitude is making you reflective of some of your financial choices. Whilst I do commend you for living within your means, I might be tempted to swap a longer UK holiday for a shorter abroad holiday which could be similarly priced and would be an amazing cultural experience- (I actually find holidaying in the UK very expensive for what you get and frequently with very average weather) and maybe have some fun days out with the kids too- lots of free/cheap things available plus Kelloggs deal etc. Your children wont be with you for long in the grand scheme of things and some really special family experiences and memories would last you all a lifetime (even if you had to work a little/year or so longer). Just a thought. I wouldn’t bother with the materialistic branded stuff tho and wouldn’t concern yourself with your friend’s personal situation either, just focus on your own family 😊

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2025 00:15

I would take it all with a pinch of salt. She could be bullshitting. Yesterday there was a thread on here from a woman that told her friend about a windfall. All the replies said never share financial stuff with friends. There were loads of people that said their mortgage was paid off, but they’ve told friends it’s still massive. Loads said they’ve had a few grand here and there from inheritance but they’ve told friends they’re struggling, so they don’t ask for handouts or hold a grudge. Her parents could be paying for the Dubai trip, you have no idea what her husband earns. Yes you know the figure they’ve told you but maybe she’s saying that because her DH earns 70k more than yours, not 20k.

VanilleFraise · 21/04/2025 08:41

YABU but I can see why it annoys you.

Poonu · 21/04/2025 08:43

Queenofkittens · 20/04/2025 21:13

Show quote history

You sound jelly

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/04/2025 08:45

I bet you sleep better at night! I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I knew my whole life was being funded on credit!

CloverPyramid · 21/04/2025 09:02

Assuming none of you are high earners, £20k additional household income is significant and could explain why their day to day quality of life (clothing brands, days out, toys etc) is higher than yours. Even if they have the same house as you, things like when they bought it, how much deposit they put in or the length of the term can make a huge difference to monthly disposable income as well.

Putting the big things like holidays etc on finance is potentially a foolish thing for them to do. I would teach your child about credit cards and loans and make sure they know that not everyone who has nice things is necessarily rich.

Also, you say that she’s very honest about her finances but you have no way of knowing that. I’ve definitely lied about our income in situations where friends or acquaintances have made it awkward.

PricklyLikeCactus · 21/04/2025 09:25

Why don’t you look for better paying work/retrain/work longer hours/start a business and get some more income for your family to enjoy too?

Anywherebuthere · 21/04/2025 09:31

Your jealousy is your problem. You need to deal with your own insecurities.

Imagine being jealous of someone who earns and spends as they wish. Imagine being jealous of someone in debt.

Work on your jealousy and insecurity and teach your child about finances, budgeting, debt and its downfalls.

Anyotherdude · 21/04/2025 09:33

OP, being sensible means that you will probably have more to spend in your retirement. Also, IME, people who give off the impression that they are keeping up with the Joneses rarely end up in better positions financially, and debt is one of the main causes of relationship breakdown.
Keep doing what you’re doing - it sounds like you and DH are on the same page and will stay afloat in an increasingly difficult financial crisis…

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/04/2025 09:34

I think some people live as though they're going to win the lottery or inherit a house, so they spend whatever they want now. You're doing the right thing, OP, but I'd avoid talking about money with her unless it's to ask her how she is going to pay for things - like, "How long will it take you to repay the holiday in Dubai?" etc.

Inmydreams88 · 21/04/2025 09:37

I don’t see the issue, it’s her business. Her life. There’s no right or wrong way to live. It’s her choice.

If you’re happy with your choices then you shouldn’t be worrying about hers. If you’re not happy then take out a loan and have a holiday?

MereNoelle · 21/04/2025 09:38

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/04/2025 09:34

Why should the OP be asking her friend questions like that? It’s none of her business how her friend pays for things. If one of my friends asked me how I planned to pay for something I’d tell them to mind their own business.

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