Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do you make your older dc join in?

59 replies

motherhen27 · 20/04/2025 19:06

My ds is 13 and has started with the typical teenage attitude and angst. His younger sister is 3.5 so a big age gap which I try to juggle as best I can.

Tried involving him in an Easter egg hunt which was obviously more geared towards the little one but I thought it would be nice for him to help her. He just grumbled and clearly wanted to be back on his xbox the whole time. I didn’t push it as his attitude really wasn’t adding anything to the day so after a little while I let him go.

Do you make your older dc join in with this sort of stuff? I’m aware he’s probably too old to enjoy it but I’d also like him to have a tiny bit of appreciation for the fact that all of this was done for him when he was little and if he could just show a bit of engagement with his sister (who adores him) it would be nice. I’m finding this new attitude hard to manage as he has always been a very loving boy and now he seemingly hates us all and just wants to be left alone, ideally with a screen for company. How long can I expect this to last for and how much do you push older kids to stay involved in family activities?

OP posts:

Cakeandusername · 20/04/2025 19:51

It’s a massive age gap and I wouldn’t expect him to join in. Perhaps chat about days plans in advance and agree what is none negotiable eg you all eating lunch together.

Sirzy · 20/04/2025 19:53

Maybe get him to help with set up instead? Focus on the excitement that way?

Caravaggiouch · 20/04/2025 19:55

I don’t think it’s too much to expect him to join in for a little while. I do think it’s too much to expect him to want to, or to appreciate it now - it’s not for him, it’s for his sister. It’s got nothing to do with things you set up for him a decade ago. That’s a big age gap and I think it’s unrealistic to expect him to be really enthusiastic about an activity designed for a 3 year old.

UndermyShoeJoe · 20/04/2025 19:56

No I don’t force it. I might offer incentives but we don’t have that huge of an age gap either. My two teens were incentivised to take part in the egg hunt to humour their 9’year old sibling but there was no demands to take part. It was seen in my behalf very much a their loss as the youngest would get all the sweets.

Just like the oldest 16 now doesn’t have to come on all family days out but there is always a deal to be had. Birthday involving two events, you don’t have to do both but you do have to join one pick one.

MummytoAAandX · 20/04/2025 19:58

My DD is 14 and her younger siblings are 5 and 7. It is getting a bit more difficult the older she gets to to find things they all like to do and she does more with her friends but she joins in with most things. This holiday we've taken them all to a theme park, swimming, beach and picnics, played a family game of cricket etc... she's also quite happy to entertain her younger siblings. Might make a difference that she's a girl though...not sure

SlipperyLizard · 20/04/2025 19:59

My teen DDs (13 & 15) must be unusual - they would love it if we set up an Easter egg hunt for them (we’re away so that’s why we haven’t), and would enjoy setting one for younger kids.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/04/2025 20:01

I don't see what good will come of making an unwilling teenager join in with something like that. It's also pretty futile expecting teenagers to show appreciation for something you did for them as a child. With age gaps, some older siblings will be more interested in the younger one than others, you can't force it.

You need to be realistic and find other ways to connect with him.

ItGhoul · 20/04/2025 20:02

He’s a teenager. Why does he have to fit in with a toddler? He is your child too; his needs/wants are no less important than those of your three-year-old. It’s not his job to entertain her or do things to make her happy - it’s yours.

Oneborneverydecade · 20/04/2025 20:05

We don't expect our DS13 to join in. He's already said he doesn't want to come to DD7's upcoming birthday party. DS18 is keen to come but he's come out the other side of the grumpy teenage stage.

ElfDragon · 20/04/2025 20:06

My dc join in things for each other.

my eldest is 21 now, middle one is 18, and youngest is 12. Eldest has a learning disability, and so there has also been an emphasis on them all joining in with things which may not specifically be for them in particular. Dd1 comes along in outings which were not of interest to her (quite a lot of things, in the scheme of life), and in turn the younger 2 have also gone to things for dd1.

I would have been quite cross if the older 2 had refused to join in things for ds when he was a baby, and likewise I remind ds now that whilst he may not be interested in the same things as dd1 anymore, she is not going to progress beyond loving all things Gruffalo and simple games like snakes and ladders, and still enjoys an egg hunt at Easter etc.

dd2 and ds don’t particularly want an egg hunt anymore, or putting milk and mince pie out for Father Christmas, ut they do it for dd1, as they should.

Coasterfan · 20/04/2025 20:25

SlipperyLizard · 20/04/2025 19:59

My teen DDs (13 & 15) must be unusual - they would love it if we set up an Easter egg hunt for them (we’re away so that’s why we haven’t), and would enjoy setting one for younger kids.

My 15 and 17 year old insisted on it!! I think they ll be 33 and 35 and at my door wanting their Easter egg hunt 😀

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:27

She's your kid. There's a good chance he feels nothing towards her except irritation. Hopefully that will change in time but it may not and how on earth would you "make" him mess about with infant activities that no teenager would want to go near?

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 20/04/2025 20:29

Forced fun is awful

Cakeandusername · 20/04/2025 20:30

I think 2 similar age is very different scenario though and they probably have joint memories of doing it as little ones.
Do you get lots of time 1-1 with him doing things he wants to. He was an only child for 10 years.

Iamaverysillyperson · 20/04/2025 20:33

Why on earth should he feel any appreciation for you doing Easter egg hunts for him when he was younger, which he likely can't remember?!
I think you're unreasonable to expect a teenager to join in with anything like that just because it makes your youngest child happy.

StarTwirl · 20/04/2025 20:34

Why on earth take away the fun from your little one and your big one by making them hunt eggs together

little one wants to find her own thank you very much

older one not interested

I agree with PP forced fun is rubbish and awkward

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:34

Also tbh I would be suspicious of a teenager who wants to spend time with toddlers

It's weird

mindutopia · 20/04/2025 20:35

Going to soft play, yes, too much. A once a year family holiday tradition, no, it’s not too much. Mine is 12. Up at 7am with little brother to get their Easter eggs. Then breakfast together. Then Easter egg hunt (she’s too keen on it frankly and is a bit too competitive). Then no hiding away on screens somewhere. She was in the garden playing all morning on the trampoline and chatting with us. We had lunch and then friends came over from next door for a bit and they all played in the garden. It doesn’t have to be family fun all day, but she doesn’t get to just slink off to game or watch YouTube.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/04/2025 20:35

With that kind of age gap, and him being 13, I wouldn’t force it. He’s not a child and he’s not your co parent, if he doesn’t want to join in then don’t force him.

LittleLabrador · 20/04/2025 20:37

No I wouldn’t force it. My 12 yo DS joined in the egg hunt with his 9 YO sister because he wanted to- he really likes the egg hunting! There’s other things he wouldn’t join with though like certain days out he’s too old for or other activities and that’s fine. I try to do things they’ll both like and sometimes I do things with just him and sometimes just her. Your age gap is massive so I think you’ll have to accept they won’t do a lot together and that’s ok.

Reddelilah · 20/04/2025 20:41

ItGhoul · 20/04/2025 20:02

This. Why are you expecting him to show appreciation for something you did for him 10 years ago? How are you supporting him to have a fun Easter holiday?

CoffeeChocolateWine · 20/04/2025 20:48

Same age gap here but mine are slightly older - 16 and 6.5. Also a 12yo.

My 16yo DS joins in...obviously he knows it's not for his benefit but he does it for his little sister because she finds it exciting and it's more him helping her. My 12yo still loves it tbh!

The main point of contention with my older two is that we do our egg hunt in the morning...a bit like stockings at Christmas! They would far rather stay in bed for longer, but this morning they got up, did the egg hunt and then went back to bed 😆

Sirzy · 20/04/2025 20:52

Fragmentedbrain · 20/04/2025 20:34

Also tbh I would be suspicious of a teenager who wants to spend time with toddlers

It's weird

A child spending time with his sibling is weird?

what a sad world when people think that is suspicious 😒

Original poster

motherhen27 · 20/04/2025 20:53

ItGhoul · 20/04/2025 20:02

Crikey I’m aware of that. It’s not like I’m saying here you entertain her while I piss off to the pub for the afternoon.

It’s an awkward age where he can still be child like in some ways but is definitely much less engaged in family life which is to be expected.

Im well aware he has his own wants and needs and I try to meet both of my dc needs as much as I possibly can given that there’s two of them and one of me. I have had a fair bit of 1 on 1 time with him during the holidays.

Can’t believe some of the accusatory, aggressive responses on a post regarding a family egg hunt. This place is wild.

OP posts:

Bonsaibaby · 20/04/2025 20:54

My older 2 have always joined in. Even today as adults with their little sister. It’s very sweet! Plus who doesn’t like an Easter egg hunt with chocolate!?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread