Do you make your older dc join in?

[motherhen27]

My ds is 13 and has started with the typical teenage attitude and angst. His younger sister is 3.5 so a big age gap which I try to juggle as best I can.

Tried involving him in an Easter egg hunt which was obviously more geared towards the little one but I thought it would be nice for him to help her. He just grumbled and clearly wanted to be back on his xbox the whole time. I didn’t push it as his attitude really wasn’t adding anything to the day so after a little while I let him go.

Do you make your older dc join in with this sort of stuff? I’m aware he’s probably too old to enjoy it but I’d also like him to have a tiny bit of appreciation for the fact that all of this was done for him when he was little and if he could just show a bit of engagement with his sister (who adores him) it would be nice. I’m finding this new attitude hard to manage as he has always been a very loving boy and now he seemingly hates us all and just wants to be left alone, ideally with a screen for company. How long can I expect this to last for and how much do you push older kids to stay involved in family activities?

I find some of the replies and the lack of expectations for teens quite sad tbh.

We have a gap...dc are 17, 15 and 7. Yes, it can be hard arranging family occasions to suit all 3.

However, we do the same activities for dc3 that the older two got to experience...so Easter hunts, a family 'Santa meal' etc. Obviously they're far too young for the elder two to fully appreciate but they take part for dc3's sake, they do it with good grace and they do benefit and end up enjoying it to an extent (who doesn't like a good three course meal, even if you have to sit with Santa for 5 minutes 😂. And of course a shit load of chocolate yesterday after they joined in the hunt).

I'd never drag them to soft play or a kids park or similar and they get plenty of time out and about with friends, or just each other, doing their own thing. But they do their best to include dc3 where possible and the activity is suitable for all - so if there's a play park on a day out they'll go on the zip wire with him. When we're abroad they're happy to take him on the waterslides and dc3 is thrilled to just be playing as 'equals' with his big brothers. They see this, they get it. At home, they play with him on Minecraft and teach him how to build xyz and what materials do or whatever. And they've taught him to play Poker and Blackjack pretty well 👀😂

Our elder two know and understand the value of all of the experiences they received as young kids and that dc3 deserves the same - but that he doesn't have a constant playmate like they both did at his age. They know our expectation is to be kind to dc3 and that he's a happy little soul who just wants to be included and for the most part they're happy to do that, with minimal huffing.

I would have spoken to him in advance about plans for Easter weekend and respected things he said he'd rather sit out, within reason. Negotiate and compromise, you must join in the family meal but can sit out the egg hunt. If the egg hunt is essential then at least let him know in advance and explain why.

You think you're joking- but it happens! Did one for the DDs yesterday. They are 28 and 32! It's part of the tradition of the day.

Ds's 21 and 24 spent all Friday and Sunday doing whatever ds 10 wanted!! They adore him. He's a funny lad and they all enjoy each other's company..

I’ve got an 8 year gap between mine - now 25 and 17, both male. We tried to strike a balance, expecting some engagement from DS1 when eg he was 12/13 and DS2 was 4/5, so for an egg hunt we would have made a hard challenge for DS1 and expect him to join in, but then he could go up to his room for done time on his own. Family dinners were sacrosanct, no opting out. Swimming worked well, especially if it was a holiday pool with slides that DS1 loves. We would split a cinema trip - DH with DS1 doing marvel etc, me with DS2 in a U film. Lake district caravan weekends worked - all on a walk and if no moaning we’d hire a motorboat for 30 minutes afterwards and let DS1 drive it for part of the time. Saturday nights were often family film time when DS2 was in bed and DS1 chose the film.

I can’t quite believe some of these comments on this post… it’s actually scary.

Saying that there would be something weird with him if he did like to spend time with toddlers? It’s truly worrying that you think that and even typed that… what an awful way to view life.
When does it start being not weird? Are men who are fathers and who like to spend time with their toddlers not weird, or still you find that weird?

Everyone is different but it’s completely normal to want to spend time with your siblings no matter the age gap… just because one is a teenager and one is a toddler it doesn’t mean they aren’t going to want to spend time with them.

My son is going to be 14 this year and he’s very excited to have a sibling. He doesn’t see toys having an age limit, he’s more than happy to play with anything and everything and he gets on well with people of all ages.
he absolutely loves the Easter egg hunts new and my partner do and I’m sure (like us) he will still want an easter egg hunt when he’s in his 30s!

I do think that screen time is a factor in this… screens are addictive, they put a barrier in front of connecting with people in real life and he had another choice available to him at that time so he chose what he preferred. That will always be the case as long as it’s still available.

It’s all about the choices you make and the boundaries you have as a parent/family. You can always change your mind on things but while he has the x box available I doubt he’d choose to do family things or things with his siblings over that.

What an odd comment to make….

When does it start being not suspicious?

Are men who are fathers not supposed to want to spend time with their toddlers? or do you still you find that suspicious?

I wouldn’t insist, I wouldn’t push too hard and I wouldn’t guilt-trip. I would explain to him once why I would like him to join in - and then leave it up to him. Teenagers are a bit like toddlers in several respects imo: a) they are inclined to dig their heels in if they feel pressurised to do something, b) they are gradually developing skills like empathy and altruism as their brains mature, and c) they are more likely to respond to calm and non-fraught requests than to emotionally loaded nagging (see also silently presenting a 3yo with broccoli until one day they pick it up and have a nibble).

Him grumping off to his room rather than putting himself out for his sister doesn’t mean he’s going to be a selfish adult. It just means he hasn’t developed the ability to put her first yet. Keep asking, keep letting him choose and he’ll get there.

I see this is a bit old, but why not try to make it fun for both of them. Assign a specific color to the teens eggs. Instead of candy, fill them with money or even clues to a scavenger hunt that will lead to a small Xbox gift card.