Do you make your older dc join in?

[motherhen27]

My ds is 13 and has started with the typical teenage attitude and angst. His younger sister is 3.5 so a big age gap which I try to juggle as best I can.

Tried involving him in an Easter egg hunt which was obviously more geared towards the little one but I thought it would be nice for him to help her. He just grumbled and clearly wanted to be back on his xbox the whole time. I didn’t push it as his attitude really wasn’t adding anything to the day so after a little while I let him go.

Do you make your older dc join in with this sort of stuff? I’m aware he’s probably too old to enjoy it but I’d also like him to have a tiny bit of appreciation for the fact that all of this was done for him when he was little and if he could just show a bit of engagement with his sister (who adores him) it would be nice. I’m finding this new attitude hard to manage as he has always been a very loving boy and now he seemingly hates us all and just wants to be left alone, ideally with a screen for company. How long can I expect this to last for and how much do you push older kids to stay involved in family activities?

Sometimes you need to make them join in as they think they are too cool to do these things, but secretly want to. Reframing it as helping the kids can help.

What a weirdly depressing outlook, especially for siblings.

I wouldn't insist he join in with something like an Easter egg hunt. He's at the age where he may find it embarrassing. He's too old to really enjoy it, but he hasn't matured enough to appreciate joining in for his sister's sake. That isn't a criticism of him, simply awareness that he has one foot in childhood and one in adolescence and it can be an uncomfortable place to be.

I would insist on some participation in family events, e.g. dinner with the family every night, visits to grandparents, birthday gatherings, etc. But not events/activities like an egg hunt.

Also, I know this wasn't part of your question, but you mentioned he wanted to spend time on his xbox. How much screen time does he have? IME too much screen time can lead to irritability and negative attitudes among teens (and adults for that matter!).

Why would a teenage boy care what a baby sibling was up to??

My older dc happily join in with dc 10. Even ds 24 isn't against having a bit of fun. Never too old for an egg hunt ime...

Does he have limits on screen time? It sounds like he's getting addicted - I think that's your problem here.

What is you screen time set up?

I expect our oldest two to spend time with us and their younger sister.

I understand age gap isn't always great but we are a family and we support each other.

Easter Sunday for us is church, egghunt and family time. This year with grandparents and my sister's family. Everyone joined the egg hunt and family dinner.

We haven't used screens today. We did games. Walked the dog. Had fun.

why do people think a 13 year old would not care about their younger sibling?

erm… because their siblings and they love each other?
That’s not weird at all. Why are there so many trolls on this post.
it’s really lovely you are putting the effort in to have time as a unit. I guess it’s just hormones and wanting to be cool. I wouldn’t take it too much to heart. Maybe next year he’ll could set up the hunt instead?
wishing you all good vibes and don’t listen to the trolls who have nothing better to do.

That’s a huge age gap. I don’t think it reasonable to expect a teenage boy to be involved in an Easter egg hunt for a toddler sibling. I don’t think many teenagers would want to engage with that.

I would expect some joining in, it's a family.day/event. And at some point surely the youngest has to out up with something that is catered towards your eldest.
I would be setting boundaries when screen time is off.
But I was also thinking that I would potentially do a normal Easter egg hunt for your youngest, and at the same time have separate eggs for your son with a separate challenge in it. For example, more age appropriate clues/challenges to figure out to win something, or clues/jokes with innuendos that you both can laugh together about that your youngest just won't get, a scratch card. This would include the adults, treat your son as one of the adults. He doesn't want to feel like a kid, so if it is just him and the little one it probably isn't going to work as a family activity because it isn't that fun watching a toddler.

Our teenage son cared a lot about his newborn sister. He was so fond of her.
She isn't newborn anymore. He still cares a lot even he is away at university.
He will be a great husband and father one day.

I’d expect him to join in with things if otherwise it would mean other family members missing out. So for example a whole day out, he can’t be left alone so needs to come too even if he doesn’t fancy it. But an egg hunt in the garden, it can go ahead without him there, that would be a battle I wouldn’t pick.

I think making siblings do things together if they don’t want to is likely to backfire and lead to him resenting his little sister tbh.

Why’s that weird? I had toddler cousins in my teens, and later became a nursery nurse as I always loved spending time with little ones (even as a teenager…)

What’s weird is grown adults not understanding that siblings with larger age gaps are still
siblings and family- and that teenagers don’t get to opt out of family life, nor should they! A healthy relationship between siblings is great to see and important to nurture, and even though teens may want a bit more time to themselves and get a bit grumpy… that doesn’t mean that they get a free pass out of life.

Teens of both sexes can be fab with toddlers and fun in ways that adults struggle to keep
authentic, and it’s lovely to see that bond grow with them as the years pass. I have adult kids and tween/teen ones- so the adults were teen/tween when they were born, and we always did family things together… and even today the adult ones were over spending time with their siblings for the Easter celebrations, including egg hunts- but also chatting, playing frisbee, discussing Trump and trans issues and helping with exam revision! It’s fab.

No mine would moan about being involved easter egg hunt

However if I spoke to him before hand and explained that could he help me with easter egg hunt for sibling then we could do x or y. Then usually id get them onside

Wow there are some really depressing attitudes on this thread.

why is it so wrong to expect family to put themselves out (and not exactly forced labour we’re talking about - a quick egg hunt resulting in chocolate all round - quick, call child line, this is clearly terrible parenting) for each other, and actually pull together, as a family?

as I described upthread, my 3 all look out for each other as much as they are able, which has resulted today in:

dd2 (age 18) watching the Gruffalo with dd1.
ds (age 12) watching Swashbuckle with dd1

all 3 of them playing Mariokart together

ds rounding everyone up and getting ready for the egg hunt.
(Dd1 in turn, is expected to give me time to do things with her brother and sister too, so that it isn’t always all geared around her wants. This still has to be organised by me, as she isn’t fully able to keep herself occupied, but she will do it as best she can, and we appreciate the effort)

I don’t find this particularly odd. It’s just what families do.

my stepchildren (now in their 30s) did similar when my 3 were toddlers - both were happy to join in with the toddler fun when they were teenagers. My stepson in particular has had great fun over the years picking out presents for them, he loved the excuse to go into the toy shop and relive some of his youth!

i don’t understand all the posters keen to jump immediately to “well, he’s a teenager, what do you expect?” Such a weird attitude. I expect my teenagers to still be part of the family, and take turns helping each other out. They are all expected to, in their own way, as much as they are able to.

I’d not force it, but I’d remove some of the alternatives. In our house it’s not acceptable for anyone to be obsessive about video games to the detriment of family life. If this was happening I’d restrict access.

I'm mid 40s now and I remember with bitterness my parents always trying to unite my sister and I despite an 8 yr gap. It was excruciating. We'd do child friendly things then have a go at me for not being happy about it when it would have been much more troubling if i did enjoy it. I'd do my hair in a style and my Mum would do exactly the same with my sisters so i couldn't do mine anymore. She followed me around and I would always be berated for telling her to go away, I don't ever remember anyone saying I needed privacy and to leave me alone. Maybe I was an awful teen but I have really vivid memories of my parents being constantly angry with the fact I wasn't a kid anymore, like it was somehow wrong to grow up.

I think OP you need to try to enjoy this new phase of life, you have so much more free time yourself now you don't need to be parenting DS1 all the time and he may really need time alone, he isn't doing it just to spite you. Try to have random quality moments with him alone without the little one and keep the communication up but accept he is no longer the kid he was. Hopefully when he is about 35 he will appreciate the Easter egg hunts of his childhood. Right now you are just an embarrassment to him, your very existence is embarrassing, in fact his own existence probably is too! I wouldn't force the sibling relationship, I think that will come around in time if you show respect for DS1s feelings. It's really hard, it's almost a grieving process when the child version is gone forever. My DD is 12 and we are on the cusp and it makes me sad every day. By 16 hopefully the better teen version will come along, my eldest is 17 now and we have the best relationship we've had since he was about 10.

For those who asked about screen time - he isn’t addicted, he has many other hobbies and interests including playing two different sports where training and matches take up a lot of his time. His gaming is generally quite a social thing as he’ll play online with friends. I don’t think the issue is that he can’t drag himself off his Xbox it’s just that he doesn’t find toddler activities fun (understandable) and is in a teenage funk at the moment where we are all deeply annoying to him at the best of times. It’s knowing when to let things go and when to insist he takes part in family life.

Can’t quite believe how bizarre some of the comments here have been.

Thank you this is a really lovely post and sums up how I’m feeling very well. There has been a definite shift in him and it’s very sad. But it’s not unexpected, I remember the embarrassment, self consciousness and irritability with my family from my own teenage years (vaguely) and I didn’t have an annoying younger sibling as well.

I did one today for my 19 year old ds as I've done since he was tiny. It's fun and we all get involved
He would also be happy to set up a hunt for younger children.

I think he's at the age as a younger teenager where he will push back on the sort of things where he might view childish as he now will want to feel more grown up and be seen to be. I think in a few years he'll be back!

Our 13 year old is a girl so maybe slightly easier, but she often complains whilst getting ready but is on the whole OK once out. We try to make sure there's perks for her, she picks the music in the car most of the time, for bigger days out we do some things that are more geared to her and trickier with the 3 year old such as thorpe park/Harry potter world/trampoline park so days out aren't always boring. For things like the park she's sometimes a bit bored, but we don't take her to soft play, the other 2 go with 1 of us and the other adult goes on a bike ride and stops at a pub to get a lemonade with her as a treat or use that time to take her clothes shopping if raining etc)

For the egg hunt today we hid hers really hard places to make it more interesting.

If none of that sort of stuff works I wonder if a screen addiction is more the issue. That will naturally make everything else seem boring and some level of time limits set in a positive way might help. It will give him chance to get bored and want to join in rather than other activities just taking him away from screens which he'd otherwise be on.

In a word, no. It’s a big age gap, he’s at a tricky age anyway. It’s not that he doesn’t care about her, but would rather be doing other things. Forcing the issue is going to make him feel it’s always all about her. Let him be, and go with flow of this next phase of him growing up.