AIBU to have told my partner to stop comparing our daughter to his niece

Missillutrator · 2025-04-20T17:29:57+00:00

For context, our DD is 2 and 8 months, and her cousin is a year younger than her. all the family went out today to the park for the kiddies to enjoy themselves on the playground. On the way to the park, DD was in her buggy, she doesn't always want to walk everywhere, she prefers the buggy most times. Her cousin walks all the time, doesn't like the buggy. Anyway, my partner was trying to get DD out the buggy, which obs resulted in her crying and kicking off. He kept saying "look how your cousin walking all by herself.." look at your cousin and so on , and I told him to stop it, she clearly doesn't want to get out. I told him it's not nice to compare them, as I had between my dad and my uncle, and it was horrible growing constantly being compared to. He then said sarcastically:" that must have been traumatic for you " 🙄

NeedToChangeName · 20/04/2025 18:35

Not good for a child's self esteem to be compared and found wanting

If you / your partner are concerned about your child's progress, speak to the health visitor

But children do develop at their own pace

Eggsboxedandmelting · 20/04/2025 18:36

Ime embrace every last second your dc is happy to stay in a buggy...

Iamaverysillyperson · 20/04/2025 18:38

The comparison is not kind to articulate, but it's also good for toddlers to get used to not being in the buggy so much. 🤷🏼‍♀️

NoisyTurtle · 20/04/2025 18:39

Your DP was unreasonable but not the first person to have said to their child “look so and so is being quiet so why are you being so loud and screaming” I don’t know why people do it and obviously it isn’t kind to compare but I guess your DP just wanted to try and encourage your DD to walk a bit more (although went about it in the wrong way)

Original poster

Missillutrator · 20/04/2025 18:41

NeedToChangeName · 20/04/2025 18:35

Not good for a child's self esteem to be compared and found wanting

If you / your partner are concerned about your child's progress, speak to the health visitor

But children do develop at their own pace

Exactly.

DD is doing great, when we are at the park, or anywhere else, she runs about and just has a lot of fun. I think she just prefers the buggy as a mode of transport.

The comparing thing has been going on for a while and it has been getting on my nerves

OP posts:

arcticpandas · 20/04/2025 18:45

Not a big deal. It would have been nasty if your DD had been disabled. They were just pointing out that the younger one was walking and so could she. Some kids are active and some are lazy preferring the bugger. I have had each of them and sometimes told the lazy one to walk for a bit because they are able to and it's good for them.

Totallytoti · 20/04/2025 18:54

I did the same but opposite today. My dd of the same age will not sit in her pram and will walk as much as us! Today I pointed at a child who looked her age and said look how that little girl is sitting in her pram so nicely.
we were getting to a busy section and wanted her to be safe among people rushing past and she was just not having that.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 20/04/2025 19:17

You’re doing right, 100%. My mother was the type to constantly compare us to so-and-so and it really messes with you.

CarpetKnees · 20/04/2025 19:36

It sounds like he was encouraging her to walk more, which, at her age, is not a bad thing. Children often are motivated by wanting to be like their friends / peers.

Biffbaff · 20/04/2025 19:43

It's not nice to be compared especially when it's about grades at school, number of friends, looks/weight etc which could really harm someone's self esteem. But this sounds more like that well-tested parenting hack of trying to suggest trying out a new or different behaviour. So in the bigger picture I would say YANBU but with this particular example, slightly YABU.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 20/04/2025 19:44

You've done the right thing. Your partner is a knob and he is setting her up for a lifetime of unhappiness. You should never ever compare kids to each other. Any pop psychology website will tell you that.
She'll start walking more when she wants to. You don't see many 8 year olds still in a pram do you?

Hufflemuff · 20/04/2025 20:09

DollydaydreamTheThird · 20/04/2025 19:44

You've done the right thing. Your partner is a knob and he is setting her up for a lifetime of unhappiness. You should never ever compare kids to each other. Any pop psychology website will tell you that.
She'll start walking more when she wants to. You don't see many 8 year olds still in a pram do you?

Over reaching much 🤣🤣🤣🤣 her partner is a knob? Because he tried to encourage his daughter to walk?

Setting her up for a lifetime of unhappiness??

I think you've made a mountain out of a molehill here. Does any DP ever measure up to your standards?

DollydaydreamTheThird · 20/04/2025 20:21

Hufflemuff · 20/04/2025 20:09

Over reaching much 🤣🤣🤣🤣 her partner is a knob? Because he tried to encourage his daughter to walk?

Setting her up for a lifetime of unhappiness??

I think you've made a mountain out of a molehill here. Does any DP ever measure up to your standards?

Show quote history

Pushy parents are awful. She's tiny and shouldn't be getting any pressure from her dad. She isn't too young though to feel embarrassment/shame/resentment for her cousin. It makes my blood boil when I see parenting like this. I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent......... far from it, but as parents we hold kid's hearts in our hands. It's a big responsibility. It's my opinion you don't have to agree but OP obvs thinks he is bang out of order as well.

Tassys · 20/04/2025 20:22

So nasty to you and bullying your daughter.
Yanbu.

saraclara · 20/04/2025 20:27

If she kicks off because she can't be bothered walking, I understand his frustration. It wasn't the ideal way to do it, but most of us have very occasionally pointed to other kids to show behaviour that we want from our own.

Children often are motivated by wanting to be like their friends / peers
Exactly

Mrsttcno1 · 20/04/2025 20:33

Sorry OP I do think YABU based on this example, I think your own experience as a child has made this a much bigger issue in your head. He’s not saying “look how much prettier/thinner/clever X is than you DD”, which obviously would be horrible, he’s simply trying to encourage her to walk by pointing out that her cousin is walking. Lots of young children do best by following/copying others.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 20/04/2025 21:01

My parents, grandparents, the whole family pretty much, compared me to my cousin unfavourably for pretty much my entire childhood. Think stuff like 'oh it's a shame about JKPS, she's just not clever like cousin.' It carried on into adulthood with jobs, homes etc. It only stopped because I went non contact after university, having put myself through and getting a post-grad qualification only to still not be good enough for my parents/wider family.
Stand up for your child and put a stop to the comparisons. Children don't go along a conveyer belt and do exactly the same thing at the same time as every other child. Time the rest of your family realised that.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/04/2025 21:07

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 20/04/2025 21:01

My parents, grandparents, the whole family pretty much, compared me to my cousin unfavourably for pretty much my entire childhood. Think stuff like 'oh it's a shame about JKPS, she's just not clever like cousin.' It carried on into adulthood with jobs, homes etc. It only stopped because I went non contact after university, having put myself through and getting a post-grad qualification only to still not be good enough for my parents/wider family.
Stand up for your child and put a stop to the comparisons. Children don't go along a conveyer belt and do exactly the same thing at the same time as every other child. Time the rest of your family realised that.

You genuinely can’t see any difference between “it’s a shame you’re not clever like X” and “walking would be fun, your cousin is walking shall we try”? Really?

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 20/04/2025 21:24

Well if your husband thinks it’s okay then he won’t mind when you compare him to some other men then, will he?

CarpetKnees · 20/04/2025 21:24

DollydaydreamTheThird · 20/04/2025 20:21

Pushy parents are awful. She's tiny and shouldn't be getting any pressure from her dad. She isn't too young though to feel embarrassment/shame/resentment for her cousin. It makes my blood boil when I see parenting like this. I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent......... far from it, but as parents we hold kid's hearts in our hands. It's a big responsibility. It's my opinion you don't have to agree but OP obvs thinks he is bang out of order as well.

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Hope you didn't pull any muscles with that reach.

He was doing what all good parents do, and encouraging his child, who is 2 years 8 months to get out of the pushchair and walk, as you'd expect from a child of that age who doesn't have medical or physical difficulties.

thisisfrommathilda · 20/04/2025 21:27

CarpetKnees · 20/04/2025 21:24

Hope you didn't pull any muscles with that reach.

He was doing what all good parents do, and encouraging his child, who is 2 years 8 months to get out of the pushchair and walk, as you'd expect from a child of that age who doesn't have medical or physical difficulties.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

wombat15 · 20/04/2025 21:31

The fact that a younger child is walking is probably demotivating if anything. It doesn't make it seem like much of an accomplishment.

Jessmumofboys · 20/04/2025 21:35

My boy Dylan didn’t walk until 18 months (way later than most), used the buggy until 3.5. Now he runs cross country, brilliant at all sports and nothing wrong. Doesn’t need comparing. Plus you get places faster with the buggy so if I was him I wouldn’t complain 😅. Parenting is hard though. Sounds like you’re both trying your best, but annoying comments don’t help x

Original poster

Missillutrator · 20/04/2025 22:50

Jessmumofboys · 20/04/2025 21:35

My boy Dylan didn’t walk until 18 months (way later than most), used the buggy until 3.5. Now he runs cross country, brilliant at all sports and nothing wrong. Doesn’t need comparing. Plus you get places faster with the buggy so if I was him I wouldn’t complain 😅. Parenting is hard though. Sounds like you’re both trying your best, but annoying comments don’t help x

Aww bless! Genuinely 😂, she's such a ball of energy when she's out in the park or playground, constantly running there and at home. I am not in the slightest worried she wants to use the buggy to get to places after all of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Missillutrator · 20/04/2025 22:59

saraclara · 20/04/2025 20:27

If she kicks off because she can't be bothered walking, I understand his frustration. It wasn't the ideal way to do it, but most of us have very occasionally pointed to other kids to show behaviour that we want from our own.

Children often are motivated by wanting to be like their friends / peers
Exactly

Edited

She has not problem with motivation, as she loves playing with older kids and copies them
occasionally. Like even at the park, an older kid went down a pole, and she immediately went for it. Couldn't get her to stop. My problem lies with parents expecting certain behaviors from their children—especially in a rigid, performance-based, or approval-seeking way—it can harm the child's authentic self.

OP posts: