AIBU to have told my partner to stop comparing our daughter to his niece

[Missillutrator]

For context, our DD is 2 and 8 months, and her cousin is a year younger than her.

all the family went out today to the park for the kiddies to enjoy themselves on the playground. On the way to the park, DD was in her buggy, she doesn't always want to walk everywhere, she prefers the buggy most times. Her cousin walks all the time, doesn't like the buggy.

Anyway, my partner was trying to get DD out the buggy, which obs resulted in her crying and kicking off. He kept saying "look how your cousin walking all by herself.." look at your cousin and so on , and I told him to stop it, she clearly doesn't want to get out. I told him it's not nice to compare them, as I had between my dad and my uncle, and it was horrible growing constantly being compared to.

He then said sarcastically:" that must have been traumatic for you " 🙄

Your partner sounds desperately insecure, and he’s allowing his own inadequacies, and fear of others seeing how inadequate he is, to be transferred into his toddler daughter. Which is pathetic. No wonder you’re irritated.

I’m also guilty of comparison in a similar way to your husband “look 8yo dd, your 5yo cousin is putting her own socks on, I’m sure you can try too!” I don’t see anything inherently wrong with what he’s said and it’s good to encourage her and sometime a bit of completion can help but if it’s part of a bigger picture of comparing them unfavourably then I can understand your annoyance.

Your dd not walking at that age is not a problem at all. That same neice that could put her own socks on was in her buggy until gone 4 years old as she hated walking! I find it more of a problem when they just want to walk from a young age, much more troublesome.

That's one hell of a reach when the only thing that you know about this man is that he's trying to get his daughter to walk instead of demanding to be pushed in a buggy.

The comparing is wrong.

But just because a kid likes riding in the buggy doesn't mean its good for them. The earlier you encourage plenty of walking as a means of transport the better. Things like scooters/balance bikes really help.

My problem lies with parents expecting certain behaviors from their children—especially in a rigid, performance-based, or approval-seeking way—it can harm the child's authentic self.

Eh? You know as parents you often have to push children to do things they don't want to do. Many young children make basically quite poor choices if left to themselves. They can often be quite lazy, selfish, disobedient etc, and its our job as parents to help them learn better behaviours. Its ok to expect more of them and have them out of their comfort zone a bit.

You compared him to your father and uncle. Maybe start by not doing that?

Children like to mirror there peers so it often used as an encouraging tactic to develop and maintain skills.

my assumption is that your DP was doing this rather than implying DD is worse or less than her cousin. I think she should probably walk more.

She needs to get used to walking for longer periods. Why assume bad faith from your DH?

Take it you didn't read my message clearly, I specifically said parents expecting the children's behaviour in RIGID, APPROVAL -SEEKING WAY don't turn up with the expected behaviour the parents wanted. And if they did, it wasn't because it happened naturally. No where did I say that kids cannot be encouraged, however there are other ways to do it

You're massively overthinking this. I was pretty child-led as a parent, but I still don't think that your DH did anything horrendous. He was not comparing the children, he was trying to motivate your DD.

You're looking out for unhealthy comparison because of your history, but this isn't one of them. Almost every parent in the world will have done similar.

I compared his actions, not his persona

Given the example you have is of him trying to get your daughter to walk I think your overreacting.

Christ what a lot of dramatic responses on this thread.

At 2.8m your DD should be being encouraged to walk more. Be honest, if he’d wanted her to walk more and didn’t make the comparison would you still have been annoyed? Because I get the impression that this is less about the comparison and more about you wanting your DD to stay a baby, and the buggy is helping with that.

Nobody is saying that a 2.8 YO should never be in a buggy. But we live in a society where people’s behaviour is becoming more and more sedentary, and that in turn is contributing to the poor health of many and going forward, the obesity crisis.

Children should be being encouraged to be fitter. To walk places rather than constantly be pushed/carried. She’s clearly capable, so why isn’t she doing it?

Well maybe don’t?

In this example it doesn’t sound like your DH compared his DD persona he compared actions.
This is a rubbish example because he sounds like he was just trying to get her to walk, how would you of done it if he did it the wrong way?

It’s not nice to compare, but I don’t think that’s what he was doing. It would be the same if he said “oh look at cousin eating her lunch, shall we do the same”. If he said something a bit more superficial like “cousins hair is so beautiful, shall we make yours beautiful too” then I’d have a problem.

How would it it motivating though? A 2 year old isn't going to aspire to do what a 1 year old is doing.

She's perfectly capable of walking. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it, especially when eve done a full morning of physical activities. She does ballet, swimming and gymnastics, we are hardly a sedentary bunch lol

Tbf, 2.8 isn’t too “tiny” to walk.
Perhaps if more children did, obesity wouldn’t be such a problem.

So did your DH. He compared the actions of walking/being pushed in a buggy. He didn't say to your daughter "you're a lazy little oik, just look at what an amazing little girl your cousin is"

I get that he didn’t say those exact words, but the comparison was still unhelpful. Pointing out that his younger niece was walking while our daughter wanted the buggy sends a clear message, whether it's said outright or not. It may not have been meant harshly, but it still undermines our daughter’s individual needs and can come off as a subtle judgment. Kids develop at their own pace, and constant comparisons—especially to younger children—aren’t fair or constructive.

He’s doing nothing wrong by trying to motivate his child to walk when she could instead of choosing the lazy option of a buggy. It is not unusual for adults to point out behaviour they would like children to emulate, so while it’s not nice to make comparisons, you sound like you’re blowing it out of proportion.

A child being allowed to to use the buggy when they are capable of walking isn’t allowing them to ‘be their authentic self’. It’s encouraging them to rely on someone else and take the easy choice when they don’t need to. Children need to be encouraged out of their comfort zones to develop well.

So what other things is he saying or doing that's got you wound up? Surely cant just be this.

Wow, just wow.

I completely agree op. Your husband’s comparing is detrimental to your child. I was constantly compared to my brother who is a year older. He walked, talked and basically did everything before me apparently. Funnily enough though, we were in similar sets at school. It can severely damage your self esteem as a child.

@OohLarLar is spot on.

There's another thread running at the moment where a Grandmother is worried about a little one not reaching milestones, and how this has come about because the little one's parents are helping them to extend themselves - putting toys just out of reach, giving them different textures of food, etc. It is absolutely one of our roles, as parents to challenge our dc to take the next step.