People who only talk about themselves

[Fragmentedbrain]

I am lucky to have friends from various stages in life and we meet often. But lately I've noticed a unifying trend - they only talk about themselves. Almost exclusively. Their problems, their news, their experiences.

I like to hear about this obviously and offer support or act as a sounding board.

But when we part they don't know anything about me, on the whole.

Sometimes when I do tell them news they react in a bored or incredulous way, then back to them.

I think people are getting more self obsessed.

Next time you see a friend maybe try spending half an hour asking them about themselves (and reacting with interest and care) because you might be the only one to do it.

I think it's a growing trend, very much influenced by social media.

You see it on MN all the time too.

Tell us what is going on with you :)

Yup, some people can only talk at people and not to.

I've have a 'friend' who does this, if I talk she talks over me. I rarely reach out these days.

Yeah I’ve noticed it too. My mum died recently and literally everyone I’ve told starts telling me about when their relative died, all the gory details, medical info, funeral info, etc it’s not what I want to hear.

This isn’t new! It’s always been a thing.

I know someone just like this. Everything has to about her life, her DP and her DC. She has even interrupted conversations I have had with other friends about their families to bring the conversation back to her. I am embarrassed for her!

Yep but I don't think it's a recent occurrence. 20 years ago I phased out a friend who would only talk about themselves every time we spoke, it was so draining, eventually I just kept ignoring phone calls as I couldn't bear it!
Sadly my mother is exactly the same and I have to screen her phone calls otherwise it's an hour long phone call with me saying approximately 10 words.

I understand people have stuff to talk about but I just don't think that's how conversations should go, it's about listening appreciating what someone says reflecting and then conversations can change to something about the other person. Obviously I get when someone needs to talk about something they need support and a listening ear and don't need someone immediately saying oh yes that happened to me but it's all about both parties engaging and listening!

I find men are worse

I find this too, though have been a people pleaser all my life (parentified child) so I’m well used to having a parent go on about themselves and me being the one to listen and support! Then I’ve unwittingly carried that on in childhood and been resentful about it. I’ve still not quite worked out how to feel totally comfortable offering things about myself.

I read an article recently that said there are two types of people - one talk about themselves because that’s all anyone can talk about with any authority, and they expect people to talk about themselves too. So they might not ask questions and think it’s strange that you never offer anything about yourself to the conversation.

The other type of person thinks it’s strange/selfish/rude to talk about yourself without being asked, and they tend to ask questions to invite the other person to talk about themselves.

If you get these two types in a room together, they might be incompatible just because of having different conversation styles/expectations.

Personally I think the best relationships are where everyone has a balance of give and take. You need to ask each other questions and show interest to convey care, and you both need to offer up something about yourself to give the other person a way into getting to know you.

Better than gossiping about others 🤷🏻‍♀️

In all seriousness I dropped a friend because she came to my house, bragged about her new job (I was happy for her but it went beyond when she commented she wouldn’t get out of bed for my meagre salary - I actually earned significantly more than she thought because I’d not mentioned my promotion/or did and she forgot, I’m not sure). She left and I commented to dh that not once did she ask how I was. It was a moment of closure. She probably posts on here about her friend who ghosted her for no reason.

I don't think it's new & it's quite common for people to try and relate their experiences to yours but I have a theory. Years ago you might speak to friends on the phone, see them 2/3 times a week at the pub etc. Today people are more time poor & often have less communication so it all comes out. Thats my theory anyway.

Oooh this makes sense. I find it odd grilling/questioning friends and mine tend to tell me stuff but we take turns and don’t interrupt. Many of my friends are neurodivergent - I’m not aware that I am but my brother and others in the family probably are so I wonder if that’s just what I’m comfortable with. I like upfront and honest. Woolly vagueness drives me nuts.

placemarkkng, as my in laws are like this to an extreme. I’ve thought about it for a long time, but never been able to reason why or exactly how to deal with it or even make peace with it. And it seems that the more I indulge it, the worse it gets.

My in laws sap my energy too as they’d happily drone on about themselves and their friends’ gossip for ages. They do ask the odd question but they don’t listen attentively to me and they judge/dismiss or just aren’t on the same wavelength so don’t get my perspective on things or my dreams/hopes etc. I think you just have to limit your time/attention/energy with certain people.

Yep agree - everything is brought to light and sped up in the internet age, whereas previously it all happened at slower pace and out of sight.

I think that's an interesting point about different conversation styles @CalypsoCuthbertson and I have made the effort to talk about myself too, thinking perhaps a friend doesn't feel comfortable asking me questions. But I often get a glazed over look in response and no real engagement with what I've said.

Others can be great - they will engage with what I've told them and make comments based on that, and take the conversation forward. But they tend to be the question-askers anyway.

This is it though, turn taking is not conversation. It’s sequential monologuing. To my mind, conversation includes following up on people’s comments with interested questions. This is surely how we express our active engagement with each other’s lives.

I know plenty of people who can’t converse, including my own mother, and I think it’s because of a genuine lack of interest. My Mum knows nothing about my real, current life because she can only talk about herself. She becomes visibly uncomfortable when she runs out of material. When she does bring up some event or relationship in my life it’s comically outdated (eg about people I haven’t seen for 40 years). Or it’s just a springboard for her turning the conversation back to herself.

That said, I do believe some people think asking questions is intrusive and “personal”.

Yes. One of my in laws is like this. Every conversation, no matter what the topic, she will somehow direct back to herself.
She will half heartedly ask about my family, I often only get a couple of sentences in, before she starts to talk about herself again.

I say very little nowadays, as I can’t really be bothered. I just listen and nod. We don’t see her often, probably every 2/3 months, so it’s not a big deal.

I find people do this more as they age. Some people have always been like this obviously and not everyone does it more as they get older, but I’ve noticed a lot of people do.
My older siblings drop in a cursory how are things with you, but only to give themselves license to have a completely one sided conversation til I have to say sorry I’m going now.
They often leave long voice messages which are literally just them having a conversation with themselves.
My mum does it even more now her hearing is going and I’ve noticed that with other people too.

Omg, I had a 'friend' like that. Boasted about her salary, said she wouldn't get out of bed for x amount (I think she assumed I earned a lot more than I did, though she never asked) AND gossiped about others...constantly. They were people I didn't even know, so it was doubly tedious. If I dared try and say that maybe she was being unfair to random person she'd get annoyed and defensive.

I met up with a good friend a week after my 40th birthday. Lunch in a nice restaurant.

she had recently moved house and I took her a housewarming gift.

she made no mention of my birthday. Asked nothing about me.

3 hours about her trials and tribulations then I got the bus home.

im not a person who is big on birthdays, but even I thought that was a bit much.

Also recently bereaved and haven’t heard from her.

I won’t be bothering again.

I think you just need to cull these people, OP.

I’ve got a friend who sends me big long WhatsApp audios of her just monologuing at me about her life.

This was the first I’d come across people doing this and I listened to the first few, incredulously.

After that I just said “sorry, I don’t do voice messages”.

she laughed and said she sends them because she can do it when she’s driving.

I just don’t entertain it.

I quite like voice notes! But yes they have to be reciprocal otherwise it's just depressing

@IceColdChardonayPls
Yes, that’s exactly what these are like. I never send any in return.

I often find myself cursing WhatsApp.
For years, I managed to avoid social media. I know it sounds mean but the people I know just like an audience too much and I’m the opposite.
Now all of the stuff I don’t see on Facebook etc is sent to me by WhatsApp.
That and the long monologue sent while driving/ eating/ shopping and so on.
It just shows they literally don’t care whether I’m even listening or not.
When I do talk to them on the phone, most of the time I’m just hmm, yeah, oh etc.

I agree to the extent that I distance myself from the “me me me, let’s talk about me” brigade.

For example, I have a relative who never takes a breath, talks only about herself, daughter and grandson. Never mentions her DH who is a lovely man.

I’ve stopped contacting her. She will never say “that’s enough about me. What about you?”
It really winds me up. So selfish.