Hi everyone,
I could really use some outside perspective on this because I’m feeling really conflicted and a bit lost with it all.
I got pregnant by someone I wasn’t in a relationship with. He wasn’t involved during the pregnancy, though I gave him the chance to be — I invited him to scans, kept him updated, and was open to him being involved. Around 5–6 months in, he got a girlfriend. I was happy for him and he still checked in now and then, but overall wasn’t consistent.
Near my due date, I told him I wanted to reach out to his mum to offer her a chance to be involved, as he had said she was excited about being a grandmother. I’d never heard from her, and I’ve since learned he didn’t give his family many details during my pregnancy.
After my daughter was born, his mum messaged me (apparently after forcing his hand to get my contact info) and was very warm and kind. She said the whole family — including extended relatives — were thrilled and wanted to be part of her life. I agreed to a meeting, and also let her dad meet her, even though deep down I didn’t believe he’d follow through in a committed way (and he hasn’t — especially now his girlfriend takes issue with me being around).
His parents, particularly his mum, made it clear they didn’t agree with his behaviour and wanted a relationship with my daughter regardless of his choices. I really appreciated that and felt it was the right thing to allow space for them to be involved.
At first, things were great — I visited regularly, and they were kind and welcoming. But then the mum began cancelling plans — once, twice… now over 10 times. Some excuses were understandable, but others felt quite flaky. I was very flexible to begin with, but it’s now been over six weeks since they last saw her, and there’s been minimal contact.
She recently messaged saying they’ve had “a lot going on” — but I see on social media that they’re out and about, doing day trips, living normal lives. It makes me question why they aren’t making even an hour of time in a week to see their granddaughter.
I don’t think they’re bad people at all, and that’s what confuses me most. I don’t understand why they even bothered to get involved if they weren’t going to be consistently present. Was it just excitement at the idea of being grandparents that fizzled out? Or am I giving them too much credit when their actions just aren’t matching their words?
I’m really torn:
- Am I being unreasonable for thinking there’s no excuse for not seeing your grandchild for this long without genuine communication or effort?
- Would I be wrong to say I don’t want to continue the relationship if this continues? It’s emotionally draining for me, and I fear it will become damaging for my daughter as she grows.
- Are they just disorganised, chaotic people and I’m expecting too much?
- Or was this never going to work long-term and I just wanted to believe the best?
I’ve really tried to encourage and nurture this relationship. I’ve gone above and beyond despite being a young, vulnerable single mum with zero support from their son. I let them into our lives when they were complete strangers to me, because I wanted my daughter to know her family.
But now it’s starting to feel like she’s being picked up and put down whenever it suits them — like a doll or a photo opportunity. And I don’t know how to move forward without either getting hurt or being painted as the one who “cut them off.”
Any advice or similar experiences would be really appreciated. I just want what’s best for my daughter — and right now I’m not sure what that looks like.