Title: Am I Being Unreasonable to Feel Done With My Baby’s Paternal Grandparents?

[Agentspencerreid]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some outside perspective on this because I’m feeling really conflicted and a bit lost with it all.

I got pregnant by someone I wasn’t in a relationship with. He wasn’t involved during the pregnancy, though I gave him the chance to be — I invited him to scans, kept him updated, and was open to him being involved. Around 5–6 months in, he got a girlfriend. I was happy for him and he still checked in now and then, but overall wasn’t consistent.

Near my due date, I told him I wanted to reach out to his mum to offer her a chance to be involved, as he had said she was excited about being a grandmother. I’d never heard from her, and I’ve since learned he didn’t give his family many details during my pregnancy.

After my daughter was born, his mum messaged me (apparently after forcing his hand to get my contact info) and was very warm and kind. She said the whole family — including extended relatives — were thrilled and wanted to be part of her life. I agreed to a meeting, and also let her dad meet her, even though deep down I didn’t believe he’d follow through in a committed way (and he hasn’t — especially now his girlfriend takes issue with me being around).

His parents, particularly his mum, made it clear they didn’t agree with his behaviour and wanted a relationship with my daughter regardless of his choices. I really appreciated that and felt it was the right thing to allow space for them to be involved.

At first, things were great — I visited regularly, and they were kind and welcoming. But then the mum began cancelling plans — once, twice… now over 10 times. Some excuses were understandable, but others felt quite flaky. I was very flexible to begin with, but it’s now been over six weeks since they last saw her, and there’s been minimal contact.

She recently messaged saying they’ve had “a lot going on” — but I see on social media that they’re out and about, doing day trips, living normal lives. It makes me question why they aren’t making even an hour of time in a week to see their granddaughter.

I don’t think they’re bad people at all, and that’s what confuses me most. I don’t understand why they even bothered to get involved if they weren’t going to be consistently present. Was it just excitement at the idea of being grandparents that fizzled out? Or am I giving them too much credit when their actions just aren’t matching their words?

I’m really torn:

• Am I being unreasonable for thinking there’s no excuse for not seeing your grandchild for this long without genuine communication or effort?
• Would I be wrong to say I don’t want to continue the relationship if this continues? It’s emotionally draining for me, and I fear it will become damaging for my daughter as she grows.
• Are they just disorganised, chaotic people and I’m expecting too much?
• Or was this never going to work long-term and I just wanted to believe the best?

I’ve really tried to encourage and nurture this relationship. I’ve gone above and beyond despite being a young, vulnerable single mum with zero support from their son. I let them into our lives when they were complete strangers to me, because I wanted my daughter to know her family.

But now it’s starting to feel like she’s being picked up and put down whenever it suits them — like a doll or a photo opportunity. And I don’t know how to move forward without either getting hurt or being painted as the one who “cut them off.”

Any advice or similar experiences would be really appreciated. I just want what’s best for my daughter — and right now I’m not sure what that looks like.

@AprilBunny I have now taken the steps to claim maintenance. This hasn’t contributed to what’s going on with grandparents as it’s been too recent, these issues started prior to the claim. I am definitely going to take a step back, as clearly it is affecting me. I just want my daughter to have the best chance.

I think it is really important for you to open a child maintenance case OP.. not just for financial reasons. I think his response will tell you how much sway he has over his parents. Then he can attempt to deny paternity. If he does this the CMS will ask him to take a dna test. If he refuses or does and it is confirmed - the cost of the DNA falls to him and he will be regarded as the non resident parent (this still gives him absolutely no rights ) If by chance he is not the father then the cost falls to the state .. so in the basis the child is his .. he is screwed all ways .. sorry but even if his girlfriend is pregnant.. he still has to cough up for his existing child.

YOU NEED TO DO THIS - IT WILL GIVE YOU ANSWERS TO THEIR BEHAVIOUR.

@Vatsallfolks literally, even if his new girlfriend is pregnant, what the hell does that have to do with me or my child lol, he still should have to contribute regardless.

If they get in touch asking for unsupervised contact, I would definitely say no. They need to have had regular contant to build the relationship with your baby and to build trust with you, which they haven't bothered to do.

They made a lot of promises that they haven't kept and built up expectations which they haven't fulfilled so just do what is best for you and your baby.

As someone who’s been in a very similar situation OP- I think it’s too early to be totally “done yet”.

If I were you, I’d still be open to contact. Lower your expectations slightly and see how things pan out. Your baby is still very young. Families are very different, and a lot have the initial excitement of a new baby, and then visits tail off.

I totally understand you wanting consistency though. But that consistency might end up that they see her once a month, once every 3 months, once every 6 months etc.

Just give it a bit more time. But I’d advise that whatever you do, don’t be the one that throws a “strop” and stops all contact. Your ex and his family will love that. “Oh look she’s so bitter she’s pushed us out etc”.

If things still aren’t where you’d like in 6 months time or so, approach it like. “I’d love to have you be a part of DD life however I feel it is very inconsistent at the moment, and consistency is important to me, especially as DD doesn’t have the usual family set up. Is that something you feel we could work on so that DD and I know where we stand? I have her best interests at heart and I think having you in her life is important”. Just have firm boundaries. But I’d advise giving it more time at the moment as it’s still very new to everyone.

In terms of the ex, as PP stated. Apply for CMS. If he denies paternity, they will request a DNA test which he will have to pay for. If he declines to do that, they will assume he is the Father and he will have to pay. So it would be in his best interest to take the test! They definitely assume that anyone declining to take the test is trying to dodge responsibility, because if you really thought you weren’t the Father you would just take the darn test wouldn’t you!

Another thing, is it possible your babies Father has been in his families ear? Maybe doing the CMS and by default the DNA test will clear some things up if that’s the case.

And just from my experience- I did have to cut out my exes flakey family. They did just want to pick my DC up and down when suited them, weren’t consistent but wanted me to travel all the holidays, Christmas, Easter etc so they could see them. But were never around to actually help me or do anything useful, didn’t make any meaningful contribution to her life. For example wanted to see her on Christmas and wanted me to drive and bring her to their house, but they hadn’t seen her in 5 months!

Which is why you need to dictate the terms but please don't make a decision for your daughter that you may regret later on. Apartment from anything else you'll be inviting a whole load of unnecessary drama into your life if you do cut them off from her. Your dd may not thank you for it either when she's older.

That's not relevant to this situation though. The grandparents are separate from his relationship or behaviour. He sounds like a pratt but the grandparents are at least apologising for him & trying to do something different.

But they presumably haven’t suggested this? I think you’re being rather melodramatic, too, and seem to be projecting what are understandable anxieties about following through an accidental pregnancy with someone you weren’t in a relationship with and the difficult small baby stage onto the baby’s paternal grandparents. Are you transferring unconscious anger at his behaviour onto them? There’s absolutely no need to cut off contact. The relationship will find its own level.

Hi, no I am not projecting any angers towards him onto his parents as it’s not their fault, I am upset because I am disappointed at the lack of effort despite previously giving a whole spiel about how dedicated they were going to be. Thanks.

But maybe they think they will see more of her when she’s a bit older and more responsive? At this stage, all she wants is you. It’s an awkward situation, seeing a very new grandchild when your son isn’t involved and when the baby is still tiny, so what you’re really doing is sitting awkwardly with a total stranger who is only in your life because of a contraceptive failure. For all you know they are deeply unimpressed with their son’s behaviour and feel very torn.

I would guess because you are always facilitating their visits they don’t see it as cancelling but rescheduling and are dropping you for a better offer knowing you will always be available for the next one. I would give them a fixed time a week and if they miss it then that is it until the next one.