Title: Am I Being Unreasonable to Feel Done With My Baby’s Paternal Grandparents?

[Agentspencerreid]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some outside perspective on this because I’m feeling really conflicted and a bit lost with it all.

I got pregnant by someone I wasn’t in a relationship with. He wasn’t involved during the pregnancy, though I gave him the chance to be — I invited him to scans, kept him updated, and was open to him being involved. Around 5–6 months in, he got a girlfriend. I was happy for him and he still checked in now and then, but overall wasn’t consistent.

Near my due date, I told him I wanted to reach out to his mum to offer her a chance to be involved, as he had said she was excited about being a grandmother. I’d never heard from her, and I’ve since learned he didn’t give his family many details during my pregnancy.

After my daughter was born, his mum messaged me (apparently after forcing his hand to get my contact info) and was very warm and kind. She said the whole family — including extended relatives — were thrilled and wanted to be part of her life. I agreed to a meeting, and also let her dad meet her, even though deep down I didn’t believe he’d follow through in a committed way (and he hasn’t — especially now his girlfriend takes issue with me being around).

His parents, particularly his mum, made it clear they didn’t agree with his behaviour and wanted a relationship with my daughter regardless of his choices. I really appreciated that and felt it was the right thing to allow space for them to be involved.

At first, things were great — I visited regularly, and they were kind and welcoming. But then the mum began cancelling plans — once, twice… now over 10 times. Some excuses were understandable, but others felt quite flaky. I was very flexible to begin with, but it’s now been over six weeks since they last saw her, and there’s been minimal contact.

She recently messaged saying they’ve had “a lot going on” — but I see on social media that they’re out and about, doing day trips, living normal lives. It makes me question why they aren’t making even an hour of time in a week to see their granddaughter.

I don’t think they’re bad people at all, and that’s what confuses me most. I don’t understand why they even bothered to get involved if they weren’t going to be consistently present. Was it just excitement at the idea of being grandparents that fizzled out? Or am I giving them too much credit when their actions just aren’t matching their words?

I’m really torn:

• Am I being unreasonable for thinking there’s no excuse for not seeing your grandchild for this long without genuine communication or effort?
• Would I be wrong to say I don’t want to continue the relationship if this continues? It’s emotionally draining for me, and I fear it will become damaging for my daughter as she grows.
• Are they just disorganised, chaotic people and I’m expecting too much?
• Or was this never going to work long-term and I just wanted to believe the best?

I’ve really tried to encourage and nurture this relationship. I’ve gone above and beyond despite being a young, vulnerable single mum with zero support from their son. I let them into our lives when they were complete strangers to me, because I wanted my daughter to know her family.

But now it’s starting to feel like she’s being picked up and put down whenever it suits them — like a doll or a photo opportunity. And I don’t know how to move forward without either getting hurt or being painted as the one who “cut them off.”

Any advice or similar experiences would be really appreciated. I just want what’s best for my daughter — and right now I’m not sure what that looks like.

@curious79

I don’t think I am being “dramatic” when they are essentially strangers to me who have expressed their “commitment” to building a relationship with my daughter. They weren’t there during my pregnancy which I’ve accepted, and then gave me a spiel on how they’d see her every week & do this, that and the next thing. They set my expectations high, I didn’t come up with this myself lol. I’d love for the relationship to get to the point where they could have her overnights etc but that will never happen when I don’t know them and can’t get to know them because they aren’t around.

Another vote for lowering your expectations. There is plenty of time to see how this plays out. Kindly you seem to be expecting too much from them, almost as if they are replacing the Dad role rather than just being grandparents. It doesn’t sound like you be had chance to get to know them very well yet. There could well be something going on in the background that you don’t yet know about.

Edited after seeing your update - it does sound like they’ve played a part in building expectations too high.

You are being kind and generous, and ideally should be met with consistent warmth, support and interest. If that's not forthcoming, then you are entirely within your rights to dial back your efforts. Your DD is the most important in all this, and there's no doubt there would be huge benefit to her in a relationship with loving extended family, but you're right, only if it's reliable, as dipping in and out, hot and cold, can be worse than nothing. If I were you, I'd wait a while and see. Leave the ball in their court and give the benefit if the doubt, THIS time. If things don't get back on to a consistent footing in a few months, then yes, I'd think again.

I would leave it now and move on. They are flakey and so is their son. There will come a point when you have moved on and it’ll be easier for you that they are distant.

@Moonnstars
Hey, they live 10 mins driving distance away. I’ve tried to accommodate them when they were unable to accommodate me for certain reasons.

id love for them to be able to take her places etc like they have stated they eventually want to be able to do, but I don’t know them in all honesty so wouldn’t hand my baby off to them without me being there, not until I have established that there is a healthy consistent relationship there, which will be approx in 15 years at the rate this is going. My mum sees her everyday if not every 2 days. My other family make the effort to see her multiple times a week where possible, I don’t hold expectations like that on them but they do it because they WANT to.

@MoreChocPls
he hasn’t contributed financially in any aspect, not a penny during my pregnancy or since having baby. I haven’t forced it.

I just want to clarify that all expectations that I have were created by them. I feel a sense of somewhat “love bombing” was going on to begin with, perhaps to overcompensate for the lack of involvement during my pregnancy. It was them who decided they’d see her every week, and wanted to build a relationship with both her and me to ensure smooth sailing. I respect that now me and her father don’t have contact, that they maybe don’t want to have a relationship with me. I have no shame in saying however that if they aren’t willing to have me around, then they can’t have my daughter around either, id be totally open to them having her alone in future, but not whilst they are still strangers to me, and it is going to take time, effort and consistency for me to trust them with my literal soul and life. If anyone reads this and doesn’t agree, then I think it’s wild that anyone would leave their baby with people they do not know!

In the kindest way I think your expectations are too high. Your dd has the right to see family & know them. That's all that matters here. If they're flakey then make arrangements on your own terms, say you'll be here or there when you're going to be somewhere anyway, don't put yourself out for them. For example, if you know you'll be in on a Friday afternoon anyway, then say that to them. But if they then say Saturday is better for us, stick to your guns. Friday is the only day.
You never know when you'll need them, or your dd will need them in the future. You might find they'll be a bit more engaging when DD is a bit older & more interactive.

Also, sorry the dad is a shit bag, but again you never know in the distant future she might want to know him on her own terms too.

@sandgrown

Actually, in legal terms… the only “right” anyone has here is dad, who isn’t bothering - in fact, he’s not on bc, so he doesn’t have any legal rights either. I’ve never STOPPED any of them seeing her, I’ve been open to contact and more than flexible, even with the lack of effort and consistency, so yes, my child has a right to know her family, the ones who make an effort with her. I’m not setting her up to be hurt in future, as we all know how these unstable relationships go, and no, A title does not make you entitled to a child, it’s about the effort made to have a relationship with said child.

Did they start being flaky at the same time he stopped seeing her?

Maybe think of them as someone to send Christmas and birthday cards to but not to rely on, then anything else is a bonus. I’m thinking mostly so that there is a line of communication should you or your child ever need health information etc in the future.

I think your expectations are a little too high for a 16 week old baby. Seeing grandparents every two or three months is quite normal in the first couple of years.

Yes, it would be great for your daughter to have relationship with her paternal grandparents. Realistically you won’t be letting them be with her without you for a long while - at least until she’s two or three.

She can’t build a relationship with them now, she’s too young for it to make any difference.

Roll your expectations back a ways and let things develop more slowly.

I don't know. What do you mean by love bombing? Seems like you're trying to characterise them with some really negative traits when that's actually what people do when a baby is born, buy gifts, want to see, then they left you get on with it, give you space so you speak.

They've overcommitted the weekly relationship was never going to be realistic. If just drop any expectations to be honest its already the best way with family!!

His new girlfriend is pregnant. They want to play “real” happy families now.

Why is he not paying anything towards his child?

Aye, I mean yes but he's a shit bag isn't he, you knew already that he wasn't going to make the effort. The fact that they have reached out is positive. I'd try to keep the contact even if it's minimal, avoid getting too stressed about expectations. Just pull back. It's not going to harm anyone because she may know them as distant relatives but so what at least she will have some idea of where she came from.

@Nextdoor55
Hey, I absolutely agree that she has a right to know/see family. But as she’s too young to make her own decisions, it on me as a parent to make decisions on her behalf, where something could negatively impact her, I won’t entertain it, and seeing her every week for a few weeks (on their own terms) then dipping for over a month (has happened twice now) is a shame, and as she is still a baby, she doesn’t understand. Come 5 years old, I don’t want to have to answer the question as to why grandma isn’t really around, or is sometimes then not, it’s unhealthy to subject a child to inconsistency.

I definitely need to take a step back as I do allow them to dictate when they see her etc, when in reality it should be convenient for us both, but to be fully honest, there is nothing convenient about cancelling multiple times in the same week - sometimes an hour before due to meet, it’s almost as if they think I don’t have a life.

thanks for your response though, I appreciate it :)

Social Media is not real life … there can be allsorts going on. My close friends Mum, has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my friend is devastated and having to rush about all over with her mum …. If you look at her SM though, she just looks like she’s having a great Easter hols.

I applaud you for involving your baby's paternal grandparents.

Maybe they still want to be involved but the initial level of contact was too much. Was there any reason for them to think you would be wanting financial as well as emotional support, or you would be expecting them to do childcare in a year or two and they got a bit wobbly about that?

My suggestion would be to keep the door open, maybe send them a cute photo every now and again, and just let things settle to a level that feels more normal for everyone.

@Nextdoor55

”love bombing” probably wasn’t the right term to use but. I don’t mean gifts etc, I understand that comes with having a baby lol. I mean any unrealistic expectations were set up by them. To begin with I was very flexible with them and understood that s**t happens so cancelling isn’t an issue, but it’s beyond a joke now the inconsistency and lack of effort. When I mean “love bombing” I mean that they were all over it with “we will see her once a week” “we will have you both stay over” “we will do this,that and the next thing”…. I feel like I was given a false sense of security. As I’ve said, I don’t think they are bad people, and truly am grateful that they reached out to begin with, but when actions don’t match words, it’s confusing and draining. To be quite honest I’m not bothered about whether they are involved or not, but I’d just rather they were honest about it instead of giving the silent treatment.

@itsobviousright good question, he doesn’t want to.

@ExtraOnions Thank you. I definitely will be more sensitive to the fact that there may be underlying issues that I am not aware of.

@Createausername1970

Thanks for your response. Perhaps you are right, and that the level of initial contact was too much, that could be communicated though, as grown adults, I’m approachable so I don’t see why they wouldn’t. Those expectations were never set by me however, so I don’t feel I have put any pressure on anyone. I don’t think they have any concerns regarding my expectations of them, I haven’t given them any reason to think I expect financial support, nor even emotional support. All I have ever expected is that they are loving and present, as I just want my daughter to grow up around those who want to be there for her. I just don’t feel like it’s making much sense right now.

Start getting him to contribute financially towards his child for a start.
Don't push for contact with her grandparents. The novelty of a new grand baby is starting to lose it's shine.

It's shit but stop putting yourself through it.

Concentrate on your baby, they know where you both are if they want a relationship with your baby. Don’t give this anymore headspace.

Why don’t you claim child maintenance?