That so many AIBU are about no children at weddings?!

[Nomad68]

I’ve only recently been looking at these AIBU threads, and just can’t get over how many relate to dilemmas about children attending weddings.
What on earth is happening that it’s suddenly okay to exclude children from major family events. Surely these are the events that become the big memories for children. Peter Kay describes the joy of being a child skidding on the dance floor.
I know weddings are ultimately up to the bride and groom, but really what has the world come to that younger family members are excluded from these events… just why?

Given that some parents won't do basic parenting about child behaviour, I don't blame those who choose to have a child free wedding, as long as it is that and not being selective.

I think the point about weddings not now always being in a church is a good one too. The law introduced by Gyles Brandreth when he was an MP is one of the few good things any Tory MP ever did.

We got married very young and had kids there - I thought it was great. I didn’t hear or see anyone crying (though imagine they would have done at some point!) but all the kids were dancing / having a good time. My young kids now love a good family party.

That being said, I’ve also been to weddings of friends that have been child-free and enjoyed them too - they’re just a different vibe. I think as long as there are other family ‘occasions’ that our kids can go to, it’s fine to have child-free weddings.

We will have children at our wedding as we have our own children. But if we got married before having children I would have been very tempted to make it child-free. It saves a lot of money. Our wedding quickly adds up to 20 children so a big increase in numbers which is costing an extra £800 in food and drink, plus whatever extras we’ll spend on children’s entertainment.
A child-free wedding means you can have a proper party and don’t have people heading off by 9-10pm to put their children to bed. I’ve been to some brilliant child-free weddings that have gone on til the early hours and had an amazing time, wouldn’t have been the same with children there.
But on the other hand, I did love going to weddings as a child and I’ll fully embrace our wedding being an event with lots of children.

So it’s completely up to the couple, but of course they shouldn’t then sulk if people then can’t come due to child-care issues.

But a few threads have been more about certain children (step-siblings etc) being excluded which generally isn’t okay.

If I was spending lots of money for a wedding, I would definitely make it childfree. In my family there were many expensive weddings and then you have children crying at the church, irresponsible parents that don't care enough.

Also, bride and groom pay for the whole wedding. Usually most families would have at least 2 kids, so the cost multiplies. So many cons.

I have a baby and I would total understand why people don't want kids at the weddings. Most likely bride and groom will be paying much more for a family's food than what they are getting as a gift.

I get that for a normal party but once you have kids I think dc should be part of the wedding. But I do appreciate we’re all different.

Because the world has changed.

Culture, families, attitudes, social media, trends have all changed.

People get married later, have smaller families and later in life, often mived away from where they were born and so ob. Most people have established lives and have lived independently and often in a couple for years before getting married.

If you're in your early 20s, have young siblings, neices and nephews and loads of cousins, you all live near and see each other all the time then you're likely to have a big family wedding with lots of kids there.

If you're in your 30s, have lived away from home for a decade or more and don't see your extended family all that much, only a few or none of your friends have kids then you're much more likely to want a wedding more focused on you and your friends having a good time rather than wanting kids running around causing disruption.

I think weddings are getting fancier. People are spending so much money and have so many extras that would never have been involved in the 'olden days'. They don't want children ruining the vibe, it's not really a family get together anymore for many people. It's a big big event in their eyes, and they want it to be impeccable.

I'd prefer a multigenerational shindig but it's not the default anymore.

I think it depends on the age of the children. Under 5’s at a wedding is a tough gig, you’re expecting toddlers to behave at an adult event and the parents have to spend the day running around after them. We done it last year and although it was a lovely day, it was hard work and I was very envious of people kicking back with an aperol in the sun.

Not everyone likes children and that’s ok, not everyone wants to make allowances for noisy kids on a day that is about them and that’s also ok. Why do others get so bent out of shape for not adhering to what they believe is a standard?

Let people do as they please, if it’s not illegal or harming another let them be.

I’m pretty sure that those who invite those with children will be prepared for them to not go. Is it really such a big deal?

Utter nonsense. I got married in 1991 & had a largely childfree wedding. Our choice. Not a new thing. There were 3 young children there (for reasons that are not important). One of them shouted all through the vows. Still annoys me.

It’s not sudden, there have been thousands over the years and generally have similar themes- childfree weddings = joyless, soulless, Instagram affairs. MN approved wedding = cheap village hall thing with every child in the family doing knee slides across the floor and everyone still talking about it today.

In reality some people want children at their wedding, some people want some children at their wedding and some people want none. All three groups co exist beautifully in the real world, but then, a good wedding thread is always fun to read.

Indeed - it only seems to be on MN that people are “astonished” and “can’t get over” how brides and grooms might want to actually choose how they spend their day (and money). It’s always the ones who have such well-behaved kids as well 😳
Out in the real world I’ve been to various configurations of weddings and they’ve all been fab for various reasons (including the friend whose bride’s parents got rip-roaring aggressive drunk and ended up fighting on the dancefloor with the young kids all egging them on - the mum ended up upside down with her knickers on full display 😂)

It’s part of the insularity of people. The idea of being part of a community is horrifying to many. “My house my rules”, “it’s an invite not a summons” kind of thing. How can I stop others entering my house, I hate having guests, etc etc etc.

And then we wonder why having children with zero community, zero support, so the only option is expensive childcare, is so hard.

Because we pushed people away right from the start.

(Badly behaved adults are also part of the problem for sure - you know, those who can’t bring themselves to take their screaming baby out of the room because they’ll miss the vows and never mind that no one else can hear the vows thanks to their screaming baby…)

MN approved wedding = cheap village hall thing with every child in the family doing knee slides across the floor and everyone still talking about it today.

Yes, these magical MN weddings that cost £3.50, the bride wore a dress made of paper doilies with a bouquet bought from the local garage, the food was ham sandwiches made by Auntie Sue and all the children are dancing the macarena with grandad late into the night. And afterwards everyone tearily tells the bride that it was the beeeest wedding they've eeever been to! 🙄

Yes my priorities are getting my children minded so they don't have to endure a day I know they would absolutely hate (some kids would love it, for many reasons mine wouldn't). I'm also prioritising them by knowing I will not be able to be a good parent that day, between photographs (which my children despise getting into so I will not be forcing them), being pulled for conversations with family and friends, and the formalities of the day, I will not be able to give them as much of my attention as I would like. I'm sure when they are in their 30s, receiving their 10th wedding invite in one year, they will thank me for not bringing them starting their attendance at weddings at the age of 2!

MN approved wedding = cheap village hall thing with every child in the family doing knee slides across the floor and everyone still talking about it today.
🤣🤣🤣

But they aren’t, not now and thank god for that. They are a celebration of a couple who have chosen to share their lives with each other. That’s nothing to do with the family or community.
Some of us aren’t close to our families and if I was marrying today I would choose my friends who I know and love over my siblings and certainly their children, who I don’t see or have any desire to see and know.

My stepson originally specifically didn't want my youngest son to go to his wedding (most other kids could go). Now everyone is invited as the wedding plans have changed but I'm not going as I now have a newborn as well so don't want to be constantly stressing about them ruining things and taking them outside during the ceremony. I'm not annoyed by it.

Her kids are going to be part of the important part of the wedding, the ceremony! They don't need to be there for the drunken after party, in fact no children should be. Maybe @heidi nd her husband want to relax and enjoy their day too. Unclench!

I only went to one family wedding as a child - that of an older cousin - and it’s not a “big memory” for me at all. In fact I only have vague memories of it. My parents went to several weddings without us (me and sibling). We didn’t care.

The default normal for me would be children of close family (i.e. kids of siblings) would definitely be invited, children of friends definitely not, and other family (e.g. kids of cousins) could go either way. So my view of what's reasonable is based on that....with a bit of consideration for personal circumstances with respect to very young newborns or family with absolutely no childcare. (IRL I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least one easy and willing childcare option...usually two).

My more controversial view would be that being married doesn't entitle your spouse to an invite (and going to a wedding alone is fine) and that kids of siblings being invited absolutely means that step-kids should be treated the same. I also dont think anyone I know would choose to take their children to a friend's wedding, even if they were invited!

Think I've covered the spectrum of mumsnet posts with the above.

I actually think it's as much about venue practicalities as cost. Most venues round here are 100 people for sit-down I would have thought and that's all you can fit. If you invite partners and kids of everyone then you are potentially having to exclude friends and family.

I had a mainly child free wedding, because I had moved abroad to my fiancee's home country and his friends had a lot of badly behaved kids. It would have put the whole thing out of balance had we invited his best man's six feral kids plus all the others. However, I regret it now to a degree. I think we should have had a smaller adults only reception, and then later a big party with all the children.

That is true, but an older child who doesn't 'play' so much any longer (maybe 9-16 years old) is likely to not know all or even many of the aduts and any other children there depending on the wedding and if there's a large family etc. Standing around for hours not really having anyone to talk to isn't fun. Probably will be wishing they could be out with friends or at home.

My much older siblings wedding, I was 11. I knew nobody other than my parents and grandparents who all knew others there. Granted they were attentive enough toward me but realistically they were either part of the bridal party and/or mingling with other guests and busy. It was a loooong day of standing/sitting about for me interspersed with maybe one or two hours of some conversation, food and photos.

I think mn sometimes envisions children being at a wedding as LOTS of children being there who all get on and all know one another. Realistically the bridesmaid's ten and 12 year old might have never met Aunt Mildred's kids or they might even dislike one another. Or Bridesmaid two's two and four year old will be off playing with some younger kids and that's all who's there, all different ages and practically if not literally strangers.
It can be a nightmare for a shy child and boring as hell for an older one if nobody there they know.

Probably due to the poor parenting you see now. Just been on holiday and the amount of times parents have simply ignored poor/bad behaviour is shocking. Adult only area - but of course my 8 year old can just play with his ball there or I’m going to pretend my child isn’t dragging the furniture around making a high pitched screeching noise etc. The worst is I’m going to ignore everything because I’m busy on my phone and don’t want to know.

Yes that's why I said 'assuming you're close'. Obviously not everyone has family or gets along with family, in which case you ofc wouldn't invite them.

But if you are super close to your sister and nephew for instance, I do think it's rude not to invite the young child of a family member you supposedly love a lot.