Is it such a bad thing If I don't have children?

[Notsure54]

I'm 25 soon to be 26 and have pcos hypothyroidism anxiety depression and schizophrenia. Im not 100% on not having children because I do love babys but at the same time I know it will be a struggle for me to conceive and carry a baby of my own not to mention the problems my child might have due to my illnesses and the medication I'm on. I think about it alot as I always hear guys and other woman saying ill regret it if I don't have children and will end up alone with cats. Don't get me wrong I love cats but the way they put it. Its like its a bad thing. In the media it's very romanticised online having children and a blood line. I dont care about ending my bloodline tbh. It was never spectacular anyway. Is anyone else the same or older with the same issues and haven't had children and not regretted it?

And as for dying alone. My grandmother had 11 siblings, 2 children, 6 grandchildren and about 40 nieces and nephews and she still died alone 2 days after Christmas (which we then found out was her intention all along but still). Nothings ever guaranteed.

People who make comments like that are ignorant and spiteful, ignore them. Yes, many people find parenthood fulfilling and wonderful but many people don’t and if you’re leaning towards not being a parent then carry on with your life and tell them their rude commentary about your life choices is not welcome.

I feel for you with the sadness and fear. But tbh goodness only know how long you will live, we neither of us might get to old age. Don’t waste too much of your youth worrying about it. The world seems increasingly unstable, we probably will be old people, but we might not, either way let’s just be happy now and then at least we can look back on some good memories.

And you don’t know how life will pan out, or who you will meet. You could meet other people in the same boat as you and make a collective, you could meet someone with children already and have a network there, either a lifelong friend, or a partner. I’ve met people who’ve been honorary aunties and been cared for by ‘nieces and nephews’ that way.
There are ways of meeting people who would rely on you, and you can rely on them. It takes years to make that sort of deep friendship though. But you have years!!
Have you always lived in the same place? Do you know anyone from school still?
Are you involved in much community stuff like parish councils or charities or volunteering? Once you get involved with one of these networks you meet a lot of people most of whom are kind and friendly.
Do you feel strongly about any issues or activities? There’s always groups looking for people to help out and run events.

If you don’t have a ready made family it takes years to make a really strong friendship, but maybe that’s what you need.

I hope you have a better day today, you’re in a dark place right now.

I wanted kids but couldn’t have them. IVF didn’t work. Like you I am hypothyroid. Was not diagnosed until after we stopped actively trying but was told that even being incipiently hypothyroid could have caused the very poor response to ovulation stimulating drugs that I had. Anyway I have a lovely happy life now. I think the “but you’ll regret it” is massively overhyped, most people don’t regret it.

This article may be helpful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent.

There is nothing wrong with not having children. I am an only child. Had I had siblings nieces nephews I might not have bothered but that said I do not regret having ds. My parents died by the time I was 40 and I did not want to have nobody.

I'm 58, no kids and I never wanted them. I don't regret it.

It's better to regret not having children than regret having them.

I know so many women in their 30s who aren't having children, it's becoming more common and it's absolutely fine. Don't let society dictate that you should have a lifestyle and hardships that you're not interested in. My sister is one of those women in her 30s, she's never wanted children, never changed her mind, and she travels with her husband and finds her joy elsewhere. She is fulfilled and happy. I think you should only have children if you really want to.

You are only nearly 26 !!!

At your age l didn’t have kids, l didn’t think l wanted them, l had only nearly just meet my husband at this point in my life. I have 2 who l love and wouldn’t change for the world. I have endometriosis, it’s a lot better after the kids.

But you my darling are only nearly 26, there’s no rush to have life sorted out or know what you want, you don’t say if you are in a relationship or not, tell people to mind their own business, as your life changes you might change your mind.

l had the exact same conversation with my niece last night.

Does your niece have schizophrenia?

Various reasons:

• Why would I? I'm interested in other things.
• The world I live in doesn't look seriously underpopulated to me.
• I grew up in a dysfunctional family and at no point did I think "Ooh, having kids is great for everyone involved". Plus breaking the chain of dysfunctionality seems like a good idea.

@KimberleyClark no my neice doesn’t but she is upset with the fact that people are saying, you should have s boyfriend/kids/living alone want babies by now. What’s the rush at 26?

Oooh, interesting. Gap in the market there, influencers. 😅

Yep! If in doubt, don't. Great life rule, IME...

Yeah, woe is us having a lie in whenever we want, clean peaceful homes, money for interesting holidays, time to learn/read/think, time for self-care.

Someone needs to get on that ASAP.

Oops. May I just check you knew I was being ironic? (I'm assuming you are too...)

Honestly having kids is a risk and very much a mixed bag as you've seen on here. I think a lot of people do it as that's what you do. Well done on thinking about it

I have 2 kids and it's such hard work and not that rewarding. Deciding not to have children is a very valid choice.

To be fair, I've most of that and I've got loads of kids 🤷‍♀️

Nah. We're not an endangered species or anything. People should only have children if they 100% want them and can appropriately care for them and support them.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It's very kind of you. I am really pleased to hear that through your work you have found those that make an effort to stay connected are less lonely than those who are fully absorbed in their nuclear families.

I can definitely see how that could well be the case, and it definitely offers me hope. I would also like to live in a retirement village where there will be plenty to keep me occupied, friends to be made and care on site if needed (the one I have indentified has on site residential, nursing and dementia care if needed).

So I am probably well set for a decent old age, but then sometimes I will read a thread or article about lonely old people with no family or 'elder orphans' and it sets me of panicking again!

Thank you very much for your kind message too. You are right - life is so unpredictable. Bad things can happen, but good things can happen too! I think I was very isolated in my 20s due to having a shy personality and also due to having a job which I hated and left me very depressed and run down. Then in my early 30s, Covid hit which again left me isolated. In more recent years, I have been doing a lot better for friends and connections. Thank you again.

I don't mean to burst your bubble but you're looking at what these retiring villages are offering now. By the time you will need that sort of care, the type of support and care these retirement villages will be different, eligibility criteria and funding will be different and a lot of these places won't exist and will be replaced by something new. I'm not saying this to be gloomy just that the landscape of social care is always changing and it seems pointless to be so so fixated on something that may or not exist in about 40 years.

And aren't all older people orphans of some sort? I'd find it extremely rare to find someone of elderly age still with parents about and many people have already found their siblings have died off too.

Absolutely no one should have children so they won't be lonely or have someone to care for them when they are older. It's a terrible and enormous burden to place on children. People should have children because they want them. Not to held stave their own existential crises or as some sort of solution to their own anxiety.

As I said before, I really cannot emphasise the benefits of community and neighbours. From my own work, children and families make no difference to whether a person will be lonely when they are older and in so many cases, they create so much more many problems than they solve. I have a son but I 100% understand and agree with the reasons why people don't want them! You only have to read posts on here from adult children who state they won't help their own parents in old age unless they get help with childcare. Who call their retired parents selfish for wanting to go on holiday or spend their retirement how they please. There seems to be this expectation that once you have children, you must then spend the remainder of your life in absolute servitude for them, that even as your children grow older and have families of their own, the grandparents are still expected to put all their own health, wants and wishes aside.

No wonder people look at the above and think "no thanks". People should be absolutely free to make choices and life decisions with no judgement. As I mentioned before I know many family friends in their 60s and 70s with no children and some even with no nieces or nephews. And far from being lonely or sad, I actually think they have enormous peace and contentment from living a life that they can dedicate to themselves without burning themselves out providing care to children and grandchildren.

Thank you. I think it's understandable and reasonable for me to want to try and plan ahead and imagine myself living in a place with companionship and care. The retirement village I have been looking at is celebrating its 100th birthday soon (it hasn't always been a village - it has been just a care home too) and it has also undergone some development lately, so it seems like its future is relatively certain? Currently it's all privately funded. It doesn't accept LA funded residents, and I should be able to afford it. It's a lovely place with lovely grounds, hence why I daydream about living there someday.

I understand what you say about neighbours and community but isn't there a worry that that might not look the same in 40 years or so. That people will be more insular etc? Obviously I really hope not, and I will do my best to be a good member of my community and to care and look out for others too.

I think my worst nightmare is that I get dementia and there is nobody to notice and I wander out into a road one day. Or that my health fades and I spend my days alone at home with random carers popping in for 10 minutes at a time. If in the retirement village, at least I would have company all the time.

Sorry, just rambling really and putting some of my worst fears into words.

@Surferosa Apologies, I hope my reply didn't sound ungrateful. I am not! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I definitely agree that people should not have children to avoid loneliness or for their old age care, and you are right - some adult children do seem to be very demanding around things like childcare.

Mid 40s, child free with a lovely partner and a sweet cat. Couldn't be happier with my lot. Similarly to PPs, I am so relieved not to be navigating this bonkers world on behalf of a little one.